Contact. Wait out. #71. Spiked.

Contact. Wait out. #71. Spiked.

There's no story for this one. Just a friendly reminder. Keep your eyes open when you're out on the town. Don't leave your drink unattended, and remember, the CDT team always drop in unannounced.

Contact. Wait Out. # 70. Feedback.

Contact. Wait Out. # 70. Feedback.

This actually happened to me the other day. I was working and two officers came up, in civilian clothes, and started chatting away to me. At first, I wasn't sure who they were exactly. It didn't take them long to tell me though. They got their bit out of the way and then asked me how I thought things were going and how I would change my particular aspect of the job.

As I was talking, I could see the Colonel's attention drifting off. He even folded his arms. I figured I was getting nowhere, so I stopped. That's when he hit me with it. He chinned me right off there and then. He told me I was moaning and that I wouldn't get anywhere. Cheers.

Hey, maybe I was moaning a little bit but a wise man once told me that a moan only becomes a moan when you've raised a valid point several times and nobody has listened.

Gold isn't it. You can have that one.

Contact. Wait out. #60. Liberties II.

Contact. Wait out. #60. Liberties II.

With all the social media outlets dealing with military issues, it is easy for people to jump on the bandwagon when it comes to military matters. That's usually a good thing as it allows the general public, and those affiliated with the military in some way, to get a feel for what is going on. Understanding can only breed support.

The trouble is that it also attracts dreamers and walts. The kind of people that feel that because they know what's happening in our world, they can comment on things in the same way that we would. We may have rivalries between cap badges, we may have issues with certain parts of the job, we may even have problems with certain personalities within the services, but that doesn't mean that anyone can sound off about it. We're a close knit group that is bonded by shared experience and hardships. If somebody hasn't been through that with us, they don't have a right to comment. Sure, they can show understanding and sympathy, but let's not have anyone trying to kid on that they know where we're coming from.

That being said, we still love the support we get. 99% of the folks that follow our armed forces make us want to serve. Even the complete creatures that we watch on Jezza. Hmm, maybe not them.

Contact. Wait out. #58. Movie Night.

Contact. Wait out. #58. Movie Night.

Any serving member of the armed forces, or any veteran for that matter, will relate to this. We simply can't sit and enjoy a movie that has a military aspect without picking holes in it. It is very rare for me to be so engrossed in a movie that I don't notice things that don't work or that look wrong.

I recently sat through Platoon and it was spoiled when I noticed that the link for the M60 was all blank. I mean, they zoomed in on it for crying out loud. Where was the military advisor telling Oliver Stone what he should and shouldn't be leaving on the cutting room floor? In fact, Oliver Stone was a salty Vietnam veteran. He should have been all over this himself. Come on Olly.

Any type of military movie without a superb advisor gets relegated to the B Movie category for me when I see these unforgivable transgressions. Even Blackhawk Down has been spoiled by some questionable close-ups. Don't even get me started on TV. Take a look at this monstrosity!

What the actual F**k! The poor actress is doing her best to play a part that she's been given but she is instantly made ridiculous by the ineptitude of the advisor or lack thereof. If she was in, she'd get rifted for the beret, for starters, and the top collar button done up is just asking for some special attention.

If there are any film makers out there that want their work to be taken seriously, get some military in. We'll square you away and make sure that your work isn't a complete shower.

Contact. Wait out. #51. Education.

Contact. Wait out. #51. Education.

This is a take on the popular Batman and Robin meme that can be found all over the Internet. There's a great opportunity for other people to use this picture and make their own memes from it.

Here I've given it a Remembrance Day theme. It is aimed at those folks that claim that they don't need to buy a poppy. Sure, you don't need to buy a poppy but you should. Whether you agree with war or not, whether you agree with your country's foreign policy or not. The poppy is for the people that are no longer with us through war and for those that continue to suffer from war. Your wearing it signifies your understanding of the human struggle against conflict that is in all of us.

Obviously, all that wouldn't fit in the meme.

Feel free to share this and show your support for the appeal. Don't forget that you can donate directly from the Contact. Wait out. main page. Just scroll down the page and click on the big banner ad.

Contact. Wait Out. #50. Commonwealth II.

Contact. Wait Out. #50. Commonwealth II.

I was working away one time and we had a few commonwealth soldiers with us. The Gurkhas were an interesting bunch, they once sat in on a quiz that was full of deep British culture, and they attempted to answer the questions even though they had no idea what was going on. I was impressed by their willingness to get involved for a laugh.

The Fijians were a rowdy bunch that tended to keep to themselves. In a similar story to that in the sketch, I once walked into the a little common room that we all shared and asked a big Fijian if he could come and clean out some Landrovers. He just looked at me, said "No", and then went back to chatting with his mates.

I only found out after that the reason he said no was because I had pointed at him. Apparently, that is rude in their culture. Once he got to know me, he was ok, but it didn't help get the Landrovers clean that day.

There are a lot of different cultures in the British Army. So many that understanding them all would take ages, but we all still manage to get along. I believe that it is yet another reason that our army is as good as it is. Everyone brings something different to the party.

Contact. Wait out. #49. Equal Opportunities.

Contact. Wait out. #49. Equal Opportunities.

I have to give credit to Matt on this one. He was on exercise and saw some DS gripping somebody about wearing a softy top. It may have been Matt that got gripped, I don't remember, but he came out with a quality hindsight idea.

Just imagine that he'd turned super camp when the DS kicked off and come out with some amorous advances. It'd surely stop him in his tracks. I mean, what do you say if somebody comes out with something like that?

It didn't happen that way but I kind of wish that it had.

Contact. Wait out. #46. Digits.

 

Contact. Wait out. #46. Digits.

Oh, the joys of weapon cleaning. I once spent a good half of a day at Catterick cleaning my SA80 after an exercise. Every time a soldier went up to the DS and asked if their weapon was clean, they'd get sent back because it was dirty. All the time we were bent over our rifles, the DS were switching in and out as they went back to their blocks or homes to get showered. The lads noticed and they weren't impressed.

I quickly figured out that they had a set period of time to get the weapons done, and we didn't have anything better to do, so we weren't going anywhere until they were ready to let us. That meant that nobody's weapon was going to be clean even if it was spotless.

This cartoon refers to a part of the weapon that is notoriously difficult to get right. The breach, sometimes referred to as the cat's ar**hole or the monkey's ar**hole, just can't be dealt with with anything in the cleaning kit. You can only get a tiny bit of your pinky finger in and it can only go in at one angle. If the DS or armourer wants to, they can get carbon out of there every single time they try. It is especially difficult to clean if you have thick fingers. Most of the people inspecting your weapon will have tiny fingers. Of course they do, that's standard.

I hope the armourers don't get butt hurt. I'm only playing.

Contact. Wait out. #43. AGAI 67. Pt.1

 Contact. Wait out. #43. AGAI 67. Pt.1

True story bro'. I was present for a blanket AGAI briefing where a bunch of NCOs were getting told how to correctly use the army disciplinary system. It was a good idea, due to many people not really understanding the correct procedures, but nobody monitored the people that had just been given their new-found power.

By the way, the army disciplinary system goes way beyond this simple term. The AGAI 67 is a minor sanction that doesn't go on your record. I guess it is similar to the NJP that the Americans use. You do get beasted by everybody that needs to sign it though, and plenty of folks are going to know that you've messed up, so it isn't like a simple slap on the wrist.

I witnessed incidents where folks were getting threatened with AGAI action for not getting their NCOs snacks from the NAAFI, for not volunteering for extra duties, for not attending non-compulsary gym sessions, and for many other such random and off-duty behaviours. Sometimes, AGAI action was replaced by crap jobs instead because folks still couldn't figure out the process.

Smarter people than me put  the AGAI system together, and when it is used properly, it becomes part of a robust and fair disciplinary and administrative system. It is human nature to want to play with a new toy. You just have to know what you're doing when you do play with it or you're going to upset a lot of people and make yourself look like an idiot.

For the record, I have been AGAI'd once. I was innocent of course.

Contact. Wait out. #37. Menagerie.

Contact. Wait out. #37. Menagerie.

There's something about military establishments and pets. I can't count the number of times that I've gone into somebody's office only to be met by their dog. On one occasion, while visiting the Army Air Corps, I entered an office and found that there were several big dogs in there. It had a bit of a whiff, and I had to wade through the things, but I didn't really mind. Having a dog around is sometimes a nice distraction.

On occasion, they can be a pain in the backside. There was a Red Setter visiting with an officer one day, and the thing pissed that often that as soon as you entered the corridor, you were overwhelmed with the smell. The owner didn't seem to notice and thought his dog was lovely. I don't remember the dog's name, it was something like Buster or Barney, I just remember the stink.

Thankfully, the regular additions to the local workforce where I am are well behaved and friendly. They don't stink, or piss all over the place, they just mind their own business and destroy the odd chewy toy. To that end, this strip is dedicated to Polo, Lilly, and Molly. That's right three in my building alone. That doesn't include the odd occasions when Molly's best mate is there or when we get visits from other animals. I've even had a barn owl in the office shitting all over the floor. A barn owl!

Contact. Wait out. #35. Disambiguation.

Contact. Wait out. #35. Disambiguation.

The army is full of lovely little phrases like this. I'd always known that an egg roll was called an egg banjo but I didn't know why until it was explained to me. Basically, if the egg splits while you're eating it, and the yolk goes down your shirt, you'll hold the roll up with one hand while wiping the yolk away with the other. The action makes it look like you're playing a banjo.

I don't know where the phrase comes from. Some people believe that it comes from Northern Ireland in the 70s, other believe that it was around in Aden in the 60's, and still more believe that it originates from India in the early post-war years. We all have a habit of thinking that the great slang we're using is brand new, so it wouldn't surprise me to learn that egg banjos were around at Agincourt.

Whatever the derivation, there's not much better than smelling somebody frying eggs and bacon while you're on some freezing cold and wet exercise. If you're in a regiment that dictates that you eat ration packs on hard routine for most of the time, an egg banjo can be the greatest morale boost in the world. Fire up the Jet Boil, get your eggs on the go, and get strumming for the egg banjo.

Contact. Wait out. #34. Never Trust a Skinny Chef.

Contact. Wait out. #34. Never Trust a Skinny Chef.

Let's get one thing clear from the start. I know that not all RLC chefs at fat arses. I know many of them are normal blokes and normal girls. That doesn't make for good humour though. Stereotypes are fun and that's why I'm happy to rip on the RLC in general.

These fat lads are drawing weapons from the armoury and the poor armourer has to deal with their REMF comments, and no doubt, he'll have to sweep away the biscuit crumbs and pick up the coke cans after they've left. You can almost guarantee that a chef would choose an ACMT over a PFA any day of the week. You have to wonder whether their stores are larger than average due to their having to store all the max size uniforms. Jabba jabba jabba jabba.

Got some return fire? Bring it on.

Contact. Wait out. #31. Subtle Differences.

Contact. Wait out. #31. Subtle Differences.

The old timers will always tell you that they had it harder than you did. Their kit was inferior, the training was tougher, welfare was non-existant, and they got filled in all the time. It seems as though the army in ye olde times was just a place where blokes with inferiority complexes went to punch other blokes with inferiority complexes. Still, it made for proper soldiers with a tough streak.

Nowadays, everyone is talking about their feelings and the new vogue for development is to be inclusive and to find ways to build people in a pink and fluffy way. I never saw the card system in use but I heard about it. It is something that the old timers will bring up when you talk with them about training and you can't help but feel slightly ashamed that it got to that point. Something has to be said for a bit of tough love. Although it is now supposed to be a thing of the past, I can't help but think that some squaddies could do with a touch of more robust development.

Contact. Wait out. #30. Tough Education.

 

Contact. Wait out. #30. Tough Education.

It is a sad truth that there are many people out there that either don't know or don't care about what generations of men and women achieved for them. Call it poor education, apathy, or just ignorance, these people show a distinct lack of repsect.  Thankfully, the VE celebrations this year have shown that most people still remember the great sacrifice that the greatest generation gave us.

Servicemen and women continue to raise money for forces charities every day and they will always be welcome to post their appeals on the "Contact. Wait out." Facebook group. If you have a cause that you'd like highlighted, send us a message and we'll happily put it up.

Contact. Wait out. #29. Best Laid Plans.

Contact. Wait out. #29. Best Laid Plans.

This sketch comes from personal experience. Recently, I've spent hours in front of the computer at work waiting for it to come to life. Some things work and some things don't. Usually, the things I need to crack on with my jobs don't want to play ball.

It isn't just me either. Everybody gets these IT issues now and again and it can bring everything to a grinding halt. Brilliant when you have reports and returns to get in.

Contact. Wait out. #28. General Election.

Contact. Wait out. #28. General Election.

Here's another famous saying within the army. Yet another phrase that gets used a lot and one that everyone is tired of hearing. The phrase is great, but it usually comes after you've moaned or complained about something and it is a way of telling you to get back in your box.

If you didn't know, there's a general election coming here in the UK. I'd love to tell you all about it, and give you my views and feelings about each of the main parties, but I'm not allowed due to media ops and their rules on what you can and can't say about the government in public. Oh dear, what a pity, never mind. I'm sure you were all dying to see what I wrote too.

Contact. Wait out. #25. Trimble.

Contact. Wait out. #25. Trimble.

In military vehicles you'll find a little box on the dash with three lights on it. This is the Trimble device which is designed to make any driving duty a pain in the arse. If the light is green it means that you are successful at driving like a Sunday driver. You accelerate slowly, thus forcing other traffic to swerve around you as you enter dual carriageways and motorways, you take corners carefully, which means going around roundabouts at a snail's pace, and you drive exactly to the speed limit, building up a massive queue of traffic as you go through tiny villages on A roads that have random 30 mph limits.

Basically, the Trimble pisses you, and all those around you, right off. It is supposed to make you drive safely but it is so sensitive that you're always keeping an eye on it. Even the most random of movements can set the thing off. (I once had one go red because a guy leant into the driver’s side window, to talk to me, while stationary.) This sensitivity means that you're always waiting for the thing to jump to red and send a report back to MT.

The MT report guarantees a bollocking. Damn I hate Trimble.

Contact. Wait out. #18. Women in the infantry.

Contact. Wait out. #18. Women in the infantry.

The amount of guys that I've heard talking about the introduction of women to the infantry has been interesting. Most of them are made up at the prospect of lots of young and hot women coming into their units to basically throw themselves at the lads. We all know that isn't going to happen.

There are certain types of women that are going to join the infantry, if they finally get allowed, and they ain't in the same calibre that those Army Air Corps girls are. We're going to get the girls that feel the need to prove something. These girls are going to be tough, grizzly, and most probably more violent than a lot of the lads.

I'm quite exciteed at this. It'll put a lot of the blokes in their place and it should raise the standards everywhere. Nobody wants to get beaten by a girl and the girls we're going to get are not going to want to get beaten by a guy.

Contact. Wait out. #17. Ruperts in the field.

Contact. Wait out. #17. Ruperts in the field.

A good officer is worth his weight in gold just as a good NCO is. Unfortunately there are plenty of Hooray-Henry types out there that are a liability to themselves and others. The army is pretty good at clearing out the really cliched individuals and a good platoon sergeant will destroy a rupert in very quick time.

All that being said, we've all come across them and we've all been affected by their interesting approach. Contact. Wait out's resident Rupert is Captain Blenheim Lucknow. Wot wot!

Contact. Wait out. #16. Commonwealth.

Contact. Wait out. #16. Commonwealth.

Every unit seems to have at least one of them cluttering up the place. Whether they're Aussies, Kiwis, or South Africans, these colonials are here to drink our bars dry, take our jobs, or pinch our women. Some of them make good soldiers but most of them just like to wear the uniform to impress the females. Whatever the reason, they're here to stay. I only wish they weren't so loud. I'm talking about you Jono.