Contact. Wait out. #71. Spiked.

Contact. Wait out. #71. Spiked.

There's no story for this one. Just a friendly reminder. Keep your eyes open when you're out on the town. Don't leave your drink unattended, and remember, the CDT team always drop in unannounced.

Contact. Wait Out. # 70. Feedback.

Contact. Wait Out. # 70. Feedback.

This actually happened to me the other day. I was working and two officers came up, in civilian clothes, and started chatting away to me. At first, I wasn't sure who they were exactly. It didn't take them long to tell me though. They got their bit out of the way and then asked me how I thought things were going and how I would change my particular aspect of the job.

As I was talking, I could see the Colonel's attention drifting off. He even folded his arms. I figured I was getting nowhere, so I stopped. That's when he hit me with it. He chinned me right off there and then. He told me I was moaning and that I wouldn't get anywhere. Cheers.

Hey, maybe I was moaning a little bit but a wise man once told me that a moan only becomes a moan when you've raised a valid point several times and nobody has listened.

Gold isn't it. You can have that one.

Contact. Wait out. #68. Resettlement.

Contact. Wait out. #68. Resettlement.

It has been a while since I've posted a strip. I've changed jobs and there isn't much time. No excuses though. I know the old adage. Don't give me problems, give me solutions.

Anyway, I wanted to do a little themed strip about what would happen if our favourite platoon sergeant went into civvy street and how he'd manage. Obviously, we can't speak to civilians the way we speak to each other. I often think of some of the choppers that I've had to work with in the past and imagine them struggling to adjust. I just hope that I'll be fine when I inevitably end up working with real people.

I've always said that I don't ever want a real job.

Contact. Wait out. #67. Nav Ex.

Contact. Wait out. #67. Nav Ex.

If you haven't seen soldiers, in and around camp, playing Pokémon Go, you're not looking hard enough. I was recently walking along the coast and nearly everybody that I saw was playing the game. This ranged from kids all the way up to fully grown adults. People everywhere are playing it and the military is no exception.

While I was on camp, smashing a pretty laborious but essential course, there were soldiers walking around with their heads in their phones. You might think that this raised issues from the chain of command but it didn't. At one point in particular, I saw two officers, a captain and a Major, walking along looking for Pokémon. I thought to myself, "These are the leaders of men and they're playing Pokémon!"

If I'm being totally honest, I'd be playing it too but I'm too scared of losing my life to it. If you're playing it, crack on. I hope you get all the most BA monsters.

Contact. Wait out. #64. Brexit Voter Apathy.

Contact. Wait out. #64. Brexit Voter Apathy.

The day is finally upon us. Voters will determine whether we stay in the EU or leave it. I have to say that I'm glad. There has been a lot of media attention and it has left a lot of us annoyed. Those in the stay camp are really vocal about it and those in the leave camp are just as loud. Somewhere in the middle are the folk that either don't know or don't care.

There is so much noise that it is almost impossible to stay on the fence, or worse still, not vote at all. Don't let anyone know that though. Either side will beat you over the head with their opinion until you walk away or throat punch them to oblivion.

I'm not saying where I'm putting an X or even if I will. We'll just have to see how the day ends.

Contact. Wait Out. #62 Badmin on exercise got me like...

Contact. Wait Out. #62 Badmin on exercise got me like...

Somebody commented on a friend of mine's hair recently and that gave me the idea for this strip. I was just going to draw him with Dragon Ball Z hair but then I decided to do the whole thing in the style.

Basically, Matt had some serious exercise hair going on and whenever he took his helmet off, we were confronted with this. Sorry Matt.

The subject deals with those moments in the field when you think everything is going great, and you're doing your part, but somebody does something that makes it fall apart. It is bad admin (badmin) and it can really break up the momentum. It can take many forms but it usually manifests its self in an officer. If it were left to exercising troops, the chances are that we'd kick mucho ass on the way to winning the blank firing war. Doesn't that just sound so manly? Of course it doesn't but you catch my drift.

Let's hear it for Toms, junior NCOs, and the seniors that graft. By the way, I have no idea what Dragon Ball Z is other than manga characters with crazy hair and super powers. Please don't feel the need to educate me on this.

Contact. Wait Out. #61. Not Good Enough For Oz.

 

Contact. Wait Out. #61. Not Good Enough For Oz.

Team spirit and ethos are a huge thing in the military. Regimental ethos is something that brings us all together as a family and what makes us believe that our regiment is the best in the army. No matter what the facts say, my regiment is better than yours in every way. It is this blind faith that makes everyone come together for the common cause.

I often ask soldiers "What is the best regiment in the British Army?" I'm met with responses like "Well, it has to be the SAS." or "The Parachute regiment is probably the best." I always come back with the statement that their regiment is the best. Sure, the SAS are the best at black ops type soldiering, and the Paras are the best at jumping out of perfectly serviceable aeroplanes, but if you don't believe that your own regiment is the best in the army, why are you in it? If you see that there are flaws that lead you believe that it isn't worthy of carrying that title, change it.

If you're safe in the knowledge that your group of misfits out-does all of the others, then you can enjoy all of the inter regimental rivalry and banter. There is a lot of it too. Certain regiments get more than their fair share of crap from other regiments, but at the end of the day, we all have our own jobs and responsibilities. We're all needed, and we all have a specific and challenging job to do.

But not the Mercians... no, only kidding.

Contact. Wait out. #60. Liberties II.

Contact. Wait out. #60. Liberties II.

With all the social media outlets dealing with military issues, it is easy for people to jump on the bandwagon when it comes to military matters. That's usually a good thing as it allows the general public, and those affiliated with the military in some way, to get a feel for what is going on. Understanding can only breed support.

The trouble is that it also attracts dreamers and walts. The kind of people that feel that because they know what's happening in our world, they can comment on things in the same way that we would. We may have rivalries between cap badges, we may have issues with certain parts of the job, we may even have problems with certain personalities within the services, but that doesn't mean that anyone can sound off about it. We're a close knit group that is bonded by shared experience and hardships. If somebody hasn't been through that with us, they don't have a right to comment. Sure, they can show understanding and sympathy, but let's not have anyone trying to kid on that they know where we're coming from.

That being said, we still love the support we get. 99% of the folks that follow our armed forces make us want to serve. Even the complete creatures that we watch on Jezza. Hmm, maybe not them.

Contact. Wait out. #59. 24 Hour Guard.

Contact. Wait out. #59. 24 Hour Guard.

You've got to love 24 hour guard. Especially when you do it with the same group of lads. We all talk about shared hardships bringing us together in the military and that doesn't just mean being shot at. The gruelling experience that is 24 hour guard is one of those hardships. The format various from camp to camp. Guardrooms can be right next to the gate or a short walk away from it. Whatever the setup, it is long, it is boring, and you feel like you've done something wrong in your life when you're stagging on at half four in the morning. Stag, or guard, or whatever you want to call it, is one of military life's most depressing assignments.

The day time element is usually manageable. It is light, we're awake, and there is usually a bit to talk about. It is the night part of it that sucks. The chances are that you're going to be tired and annoyed. You've talked to the guy next to you for hours already and you just want to crawl into your pit and sleep.

I was always notoriously hard to deal with in the small hours. My patience was very thin. I have a very low BS threshold so any kind of pointless small talk or crap chat would snap me. It was always best to leave me alone until I warmed up. It wouldn't be abnormal for me to sit there for at least an hour without saying a word. I never did  it to be a dick, I just needed some me time before beginning to cope with the world.

So, the next time you see a service person manning a gate or working in a guardroom, just give them a little leeway. They're probably at their wits end. Oh, and if you're serving and you see your muckers on stag, don't forget to give them grief.

Contact. Wait out. #57. Cutbacks.

Contact. Wait out. #57. Cutbacks.

The current murmurings from the lads centres around the non-issue of daysacks. If you follow some of the popular Facebook groups, you'll be aware of the difficulties that some soldiers are having. Now, while I do believe that the army should issue a soldier with everything that they need to do the job, I'm also well aware that we do our absolute best to wear as much non issue kit as we can get away with. We're quite happy to go out and buy a pair of £150 boots, and many soldiers have already bought their own gucci daysacks.

The trouble seems to be that guys are being sent places where extra kit is needed and they are being told that they have to buy it themselves. There is no choice, it is either buy it or else. That's a fundamental problem right there. Sure, we have a laugh and a giggle but surely a private soldier can't be expected to pay more than 10% of his monthly wage on equipment for work. You wouldn't ask a soldier to buy his own rifle.

25 Ways You Can Be Jack

The military is well known for all the acronyms, mnemonics, abbreviations, and the slang that it uses. The chances are that if you come across soldiers, sailors, or airmen chatting, you might not understand every word that they use. One prime example is the army’s use of the word “Jack”. It is a word that can be heard every day, on every British Army base in the world. Its meaning is universal, and if it is used in all seriousness, it is a major insult.

If you’re Jack, you’re lazy, you’re not a team player, you’re a shirker, you’re out for yourself, you’re selfish, and you’re going to get the brunt of almost every unpleasant insult in the book. It isn’t a nice thing to be called at all. Nobody wants to be thought of as being Jack. Of course, the army is a little odd when it comes to such terms. Jack is often used as a term of banter.

Confused? To put it into simpler terms, here are 25 ways you can be Jack.

If you make a brew, but don’t make anyone else a brew, that’s a Jack brew. If you do that, you’re Jack.

If block jobs are being handed out and you’ve vanished, only to return when everyone has been detailed, you’re Jack.

If your mates are loading kit onto transport, and you’re standing by with your thumb up your backside, you’re Jack.

If your fitness isn’t up to scratch, and you hop on the Biff Wagon for a ride back to camp, you’re Jack.

If you’re on a sports team, and the rest of the lads are on guard, you might be Jack.

If you knock off early, while everybody else is still working, you’re Jack.

If you sit there polishing your gas parts for an hour, while Pte. F**k-Knuckles is nursing a gopping rifle, you’re Jack.

If you’re mincing around the corridors with a clipboard with nothing on it, while everyone else is sat in some bone lesson, you’re Jack.

If you’ve got rank, and you’re first in the cookhouse queue, you’re Jack.

If you’ve got a lot of rank, and you’re not last in the cookhouse queue, you’re Jack.

If your mates are on some minging gate stag, and you don’t take them a brew, you’re Jack.

If your Platoon Commander gives the lads the option do ditch their webbing while cutting around the harbour area, and you tell him they should be in full kit at all times, you’re Jack.

If you’re reading all these examples, and you think they’re all reasonable things to do, you’re Jack.

If “what happens on tour, stays on tour” doesn’t, because you can’t keep your mouth shut, you’re Jack.

If you somehow manage to get out of stagging on, for any non-legitimate reason, you’re Jack.

If you personally get given a job, and you go and spam somebody else with it because you can’t be bothered, you’re Jack.

If you walk into the block, at any time, having bought only yourself a McDonald’s, you’re Jack.

If you stitch up your mates, in any way, shape, or form, you’re Jack.

If a job needs doing, and volunteers have been asked for but you sit on you fat backside, you’re Jack.

If you’re on a freezing cold exercise, and you’re in a wagon with the heating up high, you’re Jack.

If they’re giving out Gucci kit, and you disappear it all into your own kit without sharing, you’re Jack.

If you sit there and watch somebody getting bullied, whether you like them or not, you’re Jack.

If you grass your mates up for something, when you could have dealt with it yourself, you’re Jack.

If you’ve ever pointed at your rank slide to win an argument, or uttered the words “Rock, Paper, Rank Slide”, you’re Jack.

If everybody is at the O group, and you’re still in your scratcher getting your gonk on, you’re probably Jack.

Feel free to add your own. Sharing is caring and I’m sure you have some great examples.

25 Signs That You May Have Joined The Infantry

If you ever find yourself staring into space, and wondering where it all went wrong, you might want to think back to the day that you walked into the careers office. There is a good chance that the friendly staff that greeted you had plans other than those you had for yourself. After explaining all the different roles within the British Army, you were probably confused, and they could well have tricked you into making a dodgy choice. Not to worry. Just read through the following 25 points and figure out if you are in the infantry or if you have simply ended up being sectioned under the mental health act.

If you constantly feel the need to show people how much of a man you are, you may have joined the infantry.

If the thought of taking orders from a woman makes you come out in a cold sweat, you may have joined the infantry.

If you believe you are “The Best”, but speak in monosyllabic sentences, and have trouble spelling multisyllabic words, you may have joined the infantry.

If you have no idea what the previous point means, you may have joined the infantry.

If you find that you are carrying more weight than everybody else, and none of the equipment actually belongs to you, you may have joined the infantry.

If you find that you have an inability to point at somebody without doing a chopping motion, you may have joined the infantry.

If you have carnal knowledge of exactly the same women as 90% of the men that you work with, you may have joined the infantry.

If said women are barely recognisable as women, but you freely admit to carnal knowledge anyway, you may have joined the infantry.

If you have come into physical contact with more than one other man’s urine on a party night, you may have joined the infantry.

If you refer to anybody more academically advanced then you as either a “Sir”, or a “REMF”, or a "POG", you may have joined the infantry.

If you have problems with the sentence “Yes Ma’am.” Or “No Ma’am.”, you may have joined the infantry.

If you find yourself moaning about absolutely everything, even things that are completely out of your control, you may have joined the infantry.

If you believe that calling anybody with sergeant stripes and a crown “Colour”, just in case, is an invaluable survival tool, you may have joined the infantry.

If you are on exercise, and find that you have no room for a flask of "cofftea" in your webbing because of hand grenades and smoke grenades, you may have joined the infantry.

If you still believe that you are “The Best”, despite the previous 14 points, you may have joined the infantry.

If your careers advisor looked at your ASVAB or BARB test score, and suggested infantry or infantry, you may have joined the infantry.

If you look at other cap badges’ career courses, and kid yourself that yours are harder because of more beasting or hazing, you may have joined the infantry.

If you wish that your career courses were as easy as other cap badges’, due to less beasting or hazing, you may have joined the infantry.

If you find yourself following the “Fight Light” principle, by carrying less of your own stuff and more of the army’s, you may have joined the infantry.

If you overtly believe that POG/REMF Lance Corporals and Corporals are only equivalent to infantry Toms and Senior Toms, you may have joined the infantry.

If a luxury item on exercise, for you, is something like a Jet Boil or a second bag of Haribo, you may have joined the infantry.

If sole mission on ops is to break the rules of shaving, dress, and to abuse the REMF chain of command, you may have joined the infantry.

If you have trouble maintaining solid, working relationships with partners and family members, because of your drink problem, you may have joined the infantry.

If you like to tell anybody, that will listen, just how much you hate every other corps regiment in the British Army; you may have joined the infantry.

If you secretly wish that you could transfer to any other corps regiment in the British Army, you may have joined the infantry.

Contact. Wait out. #56. Options.

Contact. Wait out. #56. Options.

There is a lot of talk at the moment about the quality of food provided by a certain company affiliated with the army. The famous cheese sandwich picture has been matched by a ham sandwich one and people are going crazy with petitions and complaints. Now, I can't say that I've never eaten a rancid meal in one of these establishments and I can't say that I haven't been so disappointed with the offerings that I've chosen to skip a meal. That being said, I do find it funny how people will bitch and complain about the food but then load their plates up with the stuff and then sit in front of me and destroy it.

Funniest of all are the folks that complain about all the greasy, fatty food but then guzzle it down regardless. I'm guilty of that myself. I love chips, so if they're on offer I will always choose them. Got to get those deep fried potatoes. I'm just crushed if I start to eat them and find that they're soggy and undercooked. Unfortunately, that happens all too often.

Contact. Wait out. #55. NEM.

Contact. Wait out. #55. NEM.

The New Emplyment Model is coming soon and you should have seen the literature or had a brief on it by now. If you haven't then youneed to be asking some questions of your chain of command. There are some big changes.

The main thing that I got from the new information is that the Army Air Corps pilots are going to be the highest paid trade in the army. Well, we can't argue with that can we? They fly helicopters. I'm going to be a bit further down the pecking order but not as far down as the poor old RLC.

We'll all know this new pay scheme inside out in a couple of years. Just in time for them to announce that they're going to change it again no doubt. Anyway, #CWO55 is about the RLC trying to convince the Regimental Admin Officer department that they're pilots. Sorry to pick on you guys again. We Shitstain! ;)

Contact. Wait out. #53. Issue Boots.

Contact. Wait out. #53. Issue Boots.

It seems very evident that some people really get on well with the issue boots. It has always been this way. There are some lucky folks with feet made of steel. For the rest of us, issue boots can be almost unbearable. I don't want to go into too much detail as to why I hate my boots because you can see that on the Facebook page but let it be understood that the best pair of boots I ever wore for work were not given to me through the system.

I remember when the poster came around offering us a choice of several different styles and types. It was as if we would get to choose the boot that most suited us. Of course, that was wishful thinking and I should have known better. Of the 12 or so styles, advertised internally, I think I've seen two. Seriously, why on earth would the army let me choose which boots I wanted to wear? That makes way too much sense.

Anyway, this strip is for all those people that have been crippled by wearing issued boots. Enjoy.

Contact. Wait out. Quiz. Walt Checker!

Want to figure out if somebody that you know is a Walt? Maybe you're a Walt and you don't realise it. Use the Walt Check 5000 to find out the truth.

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Contact. Wait out. #48. Investments.

Contact. Wait out. #48. Investments.

As many of you will be aware, I have been away for a bit, so this issue of #CWO is a bit late. I can't say I enjoyed my time on exercise but it has given me plenty of ideas for new sketches.

Anyway, this edition of "Contact. Wait out." talks about the hideous practice of swamping that is present in our armed forces, and I'd hazard to guess, almost all armed forces in the world. Swamping is when a soldier wets the bed after being out on the sauce. That is to say that he can't hold his booze and pees himself like a 5 year old child.

Thankfully, I've never been so drunk that I've done it but I have seen it a few times. Most memorable was when two colleagues of mine came in to the block drunk and spooned in their underwear. One of them woke up and stood over an innocent guy, sleeping softly, before urinating all over him. We could hear the flow and the shouting from the guy when he realised what was happening, but by the time the lights were flicked on, the offender was back to spooning.

The drunkard woke just after everyone else had got up and dressed and then started to shout at everybody because his bedding had been swamped. A mate of mine picked up his sleeping bag, soaked in urine, and slapped him round the face with it.

Later, in a huge, packed briefing room, the Commanding Officer made reference to the incident and the whole room bellowed with laughter. It was sweet.

P.S. Thanks Dave.

Contact. Wait out. #47. Wargames.

Contact. Wait out. #47. Wargames.

Some of you may see this strip and think that there's some sort of satirical message behind it. Well, there's not. There might be a small snipe at the way military contracts are given out, and how they're crooked, but I have literally no evidence of that so forget I mentioned it.

More notable is the inclusion of fantasy figurines. I got asked to include them in some way and having Generals playing with them seemed fun. There you have it.

I'm about to go away for a bit so there'll be a gap between now and the next strip. Apologies.

Contact. Wait out. #46. Digits.

 

Contact. Wait out. #46. Digits.

Oh, the joys of weapon cleaning. I once spent a good half of a day at Catterick cleaning my SA80 after an exercise. Every time a soldier went up to the DS and asked if their weapon was clean, they'd get sent back because it was dirty. All the time we were bent over our rifles, the DS were switching in and out as they went back to their blocks or homes to get showered. The lads noticed and they weren't impressed.

I quickly figured out that they had a set period of time to get the weapons done, and we didn't have anything better to do, so we weren't going anywhere until they were ready to let us. That meant that nobody's weapon was going to be clean even if it was spotless.

This cartoon refers to a part of the weapon that is notoriously difficult to get right. The breach, sometimes referred to as the cat's ar**hole or the monkey's ar**hole, just can't be dealt with with anything in the cleaning kit. You can only get a tiny bit of your pinky finger in and it can only go in at one angle. If the DS or armourer wants to, they can get carbon out of there every single time they try. It is especially difficult to clean if you have thick fingers. Most of the people inspecting your weapon will have tiny fingers. Of course they do, that's standard.

I hope the armourers don't get butt hurt. I'm only playing.

Contact. Wait out. #45. MATT 5.

 

 Contact. Wait out. #45. MATT 5.

We all love a good bit of abuse from a senior. Just as long as it isn't directed at us of course. I wonder if all the good Warrant Officers have to go on a course that instructs them on how to spit creative lines of vicious comedy at junior ranks. I'm sure that many of you have heard some real blinders.

I once heard a WO2 say to a young private soldier "You're so ugly, I'll bet that when you cry, the tears run down your back." It was pure genius. There have been countless occasions when I've had to stifle a giggle on parade.

Another, quite famous one, is when the guy sees that you need a haircut and says "Am I hurting your hair private? Well I should be. I'm bloody standing on it!"

I'd love to hear some of the British Army's best lines. The lad in the sketch is getting the good news but you have to admire him for letting them get to ally proportions. Also, check out the grin on the Lance Jack's face.

There is a great Facebook Group that has some superb American Examples. Head on over to Awesome Sh*t My Drill Sergeant Says. Those guys have some great stories and they've even released a book.