Contact. Wait out. #68. Resettlement.

Contact. Wait out. #68. Resettlement.

It has been a while since I've posted a strip. I've changed jobs and there isn't much time. No excuses though. I know the old adage. Don't give me problems, give me solutions.

Anyway, I wanted to do a little themed strip about what would happen if our favourite platoon sergeant went into civvy street and how he'd manage. Obviously, we can't speak to civilians the way we speak to each other. I often think of some of the choppers that I've had to work with in the past and imagine them struggling to adjust. I just hope that I'll be fine when I inevitably end up working with real people.

I've always said that I don't ever want a real job.

Contact. Wait out. #67. Nav Ex.

Contact. Wait out. #67. Nav Ex.

If you haven't seen soldiers, in and around camp, playing Pokémon Go, you're not looking hard enough. I was recently walking along the coast and nearly everybody that I saw was playing the game. This ranged from kids all the way up to fully grown adults. People everywhere are playing it and the military is no exception.

While I was on camp, smashing a pretty laborious but essential course, there were soldiers walking around with their heads in their phones. You might think that this raised issues from the chain of command but it didn't. At one point in particular, I saw two officers, a captain and a Major, walking along looking for Pokémon. I thought to myself, "These are the leaders of men and they're playing Pokémon!"

If I'm being totally honest, I'd be playing it too but I'm too scared of losing my life to it. If you're playing it, crack on. I hope you get all the most BA monsters.

Contact. Wait Out. #66. Fly on the Wall.

Contact. Wait Out. #66. Fly on the Wall.

So, if you're out at a fayre this summer, or you happen upon some outreach event run by an army outreach team, you could get the chance to play with the Occulus Rift. I haven't had a go on one yet but I am reliably informed that they are good fun. You get to see some pretty cool stuff, as you would with most Rift videos, but I doubt you'd get a real picture of army life. Still, as a recruiting tool, it is a pretty good idea.

I hope to get my hands on one soon. If you've already had a go, let us know what you think.

Contact. Wait out. #65. Moustache.

Contact. Wait out. #65. Moustache.

Yup, that's me. I can grow a bit of a tash and a goatee but nothing on the side. Whenever I'm on leave, I leave my facial hair to grow wild and after a few days I shave it off through sheer embarrassment. I can remember growing up and wishing that I could grow a meaty tash but I'm kind of glad now. Shaving is a pain in the arse.

I really feel for those guys that have to shave twice a day. I've seen these hairy blokes getting beasted in the afternoon for not shaving when I was there in the morning when they did it.

Anyway, if you're like me, and you're thinking of sporting something for Movember, get cracking. It is never too early.

Contact. Wait out. #64. Brexit Voter Apathy.

Contact. Wait out. #64. Brexit Voter Apathy.

The day is finally upon us. Voters will determine whether we stay in the EU or leave it. I have to say that I'm glad. There has been a lot of media attention and it has left a lot of us annoyed. Those in the stay camp are really vocal about it and those in the leave camp are just as loud. Somewhere in the middle are the folk that either don't know or don't care.

There is so much noise that it is almost impossible to stay on the fence, or worse still, not vote at all. Don't let anyone know that though. Either side will beat you over the head with their opinion until you walk away or throat punch them to oblivion.

I'm not saying where I'm putting an X or even if I will. We'll just have to see how the day ends.

CWO Extra - The EU Referendum.

I felt I just had to share this with you. I was in the car when he just came out with his views on the leave remain debate. I didn't even think he was aware that it was going on.

Although not technically army, this EU referendum may have far reaching implications for all of us. I'm not saying which way I'll be going but let's hear from a 7 year old. He has some views that may well change your mind.

Contact. Wait out. #63. The Special Relationship.

Contact. Wait out. #63. The Special Relationship.

There is a lot of stuff in the media at the moment mentioning the break up between the European Union and the United Kingdom. Whatever your opinion on that, there are some relationships that seem like they'll last forever. The UK US relationship is one of those.

The common language is a great start and the fact that there are millions of people over the pond that used to be British means that we'll always have a hell of a lot in common. Our cultures seem to feed off each other, and even if we'd be quite happy to send the likes of Bieber straight back, what works there seems to work here and vise versa.

Whenever I've worked with Americans, it doesn't take long to realise that they're not all gung-ho, dip chewing, yee haw, lunatics. Most of them are just like us. The Marines especially have the same sort of attitude to the job and deal with the trials and tribulations in much the same stoic fashion. When watching the HBO show Generation Kill, I was struck by just how similar the narrative was to our own.

The special relationship is a phrase that the politicians like to band around but long may that relationship continue.

Contact. Wait Out. #62 Badmin on exercise got me like...

Contact. Wait Out. #62 Badmin on exercise got me like...

Somebody commented on a friend of mine's hair recently and that gave me the idea for this strip. I was just going to draw him with Dragon Ball Z hair but then I decided to do the whole thing in the style.

Basically, Matt had some serious exercise hair going on and whenever he took his helmet off, we were confronted with this. Sorry Matt.

The subject deals with those moments in the field when you think everything is going great, and you're doing your part, but somebody does something that makes it fall apart. It is bad admin (badmin) and it can really break up the momentum. It can take many forms but it usually manifests its self in an officer. If it were left to exercising troops, the chances are that we'd kick mucho ass on the way to winning the blank firing war. Doesn't that just sound so manly? Of course it doesn't but you catch my drift.

Let's hear it for Toms, junior NCOs, and the seniors that graft. By the way, I have no idea what Dragon Ball Z is other than manga characters with crazy hair and super powers. Please don't feel the need to educate me on this.

Contact. Wait Out. #61. Not Good Enough For Oz.

 

Contact. Wait Out. #61. Not Good Enough For Oz.

Team spirit and ethos are a huge thing in the military. Regimental ethos is something that brings us all together as a family and what makes us believe that our regiment is the best in the army. No matter what the facts say, my regiment is better than yours in every way. It is this blind faith that makes everyone come together for the common cause.

I often ask soldiers "What is the best regiment in the British Army?" I'm met with responses like "Well, it has to be the SAS." or "The Parachute regiment is probably the best." I always come back with the statement that their regiment is the best. Sure, the SAS are the best at black ops type soldiering, and the Paras are the best at jumping out of perfectly serviceable aeroplanes, but if you don't believe that your own regiment is the best in the army, why are you in it? If you see that there are flaws that lead you believe that it isn't worthy of carrying that title, change it.

If you're safe in the knowledge that your group of misfits out-does all of the others, then you can enjoy all of the inter regimental rivalry and banter. There is a lot of it too. Certain regiments get more than their fair share of crap from other regiments, but at the end of the day, we all have our own jobs and responsibilities. We're all needed, and we all have a specific and challenging job to do.

But not the Mercians... no, only kidding.

Contact. Wait out. #60. Liberties II.

Contact. Wait out. #60. Liberties II.

With all the social media outlets dealing with military issues, it is easy for people to jump on the bandwagon when it comes to military matters. That's usually a good thing as it allows the general public, and those affiliated with the military in some way, to get a feel for what is going on. Understanding can only breed support.

The trouble is that it also attracts dreamers and walts. The kind of people that feel that because they know what's happening in our world, they can comment on things in the same way that we would. We may have rivalries between cap badges, we may have issues with certain parts of the job, we may even have problems with certain personalities within the services, but that doesn't mean that anyone can sound off about it. We're a close knit group that is bonded by shared experience and hardships. If somebody hasn't been through that with us, they don't have a right to comment. Sure, they can show understanding and sympathy, but let's not have anyone trying to kid on that they know where we're coming from.

That being said, we still love the support we get. 99% of the folks that follow our armed forces make us want to serve. Even the complete creatures that we watch on Jezza. Hmm, maybe not them.

Contact. Wait out. #59. 24 Hour Guard.

Contact. Wait out. #59. 24 Hour Guard.

You've got to love 24 hour guard. Especially when you do it with the same group of lads. We all talk about shared hardships bringing us together in the military and that doesn't just mean being shot at. The gruelling experience that is 24 hour guard is one of those hardships. The format various from camp to camp. Guardrooms can be right next to the gate or a short walk away from it. Whatever the setup, it is long, it is boring, and you feel like you've done something wrong in your life when you're stagging on at half four in the morning. Stag, or guard, or whatever you want to call it, is one of military life's most depressing assignments.

The day time element is usually manageable. It is light, we're awake, and there is usually a bit to talk about. It is the night part of it that sucks. The chances are that you're going to be tired and annoyed. You've talked to the guy next to you for hours already and you just want to crawl into your pit and sleep.

I was always notoriously hard to deal with in the small hours. My patience was very thin. I have a very low BS threshold so any kind of pointless small talk or crap chat would snap me. It was always best to leave me alone until I warmed up. It wouldn't be abnormal for me to sit there for at least an hour without saying a word. I never did  it to be a dick, I just needed some me time before beginning to cope with the world.

So, the next time you see a service person manning a gate or working in a guardroom, just give them a little leeway. They're probably at their wits end. Oh, and if you're serving and you see your muckers on stag, don't forget to give them grief.

Contact. Wait out. #58. Movie Night.

Contact. Wait out. #58. Movie Night.

Any serving member of the armed forces, or any veteran for that matter, will relate to this. We simply can't sit and enjoy a movie that has a military aspect without picking holes in it. It is very rare for me to be so engrossed in a movie that I don't notice things that don't work or that look wrong.

I recently sat through Platoon and it was spoiled when I noticed that the link for the M60 was all blank. I mean, they zoomed in on it for crying out loud. Where was the military advisor telling Oliver Stone what he should and shouldn't be leaving on the cutting room floor? In fact, Oliver Stone was a salty Vietnam veteran. He should have been all over this himself. Come on Olly.

Any type of military movie without a superb advisor gets relegated to the B Movie category for me when I see these unforgivable transgressions. Even Blackhawk Down has been spoiled by some questionable close-ups. Don't even get me started on TV. Take a look at this monstrosity!

What the actual F**k! The poor actress is doing her best to play a part that she's been given but she is instantly made ridiculous by the ineptitude of the advisor or lack thereof. If she was in, she'd get rifted for the beret, for starters, and the top collar button done up is just asking for some special attention.

If there are any film makers out there that want their work to be taken seriously, get some military in. We'll square you away and make sure that your work isn't a complete shower.

Contact. Wait out. #57. Cutbacks.

Contact. Wait out. #57. Cutbacks.

The current murmurings from the lads centres around the non-issue of daysacks. If you follow some of the popular Facebook groups, you'll be aware of the difficulties that some soldiers are having. Now, while I do believe that the army should issue a soldier with everything that they need to do the job, I'm also well aware that we do our absolute best to wear as much non issue kit as we can get away with. We're quite happy to go out and buy a pair of £150 boots, and many soldiers have already bought their own gucci daysacks.

The trouble seems to be that guys are being sent places where extra kit is needed and they are being told that they have to buy it themselves. There is no choice, it is either buy it or else. That's a fundamental problem right there. Sure, we have a laugh and a giggle but surely a private soldier can't be expected to pay more than 10% of his monthly wage on equipment for work. You wouldn't ask a soldier to buy his own rifle.

11 Things People Say to Soldiers

There are plenty of bone questions that people in all jobs get asked. We get some really special ones. Unfortunately, it isn't acceptable for  British soldiers to throat punch members of the public. Shame really. Some of these deserve it.

Have you ever killed anybody?
Of all the things that a soldier gets asked, this has to be the most common. There are a couple of standard responses that are reeled off, over and over, but the message doesn’t seem to filter through to the rest of the population.
First, it is rude to ask somebody that question.
Second, if a soldier has, they probably don’t want to talk to a complete stranger about it.

I’ve got a mate in the army. Do you know him?
Despite what is going on with all the redundancies, the army isn’t so small that we all know each other. There are still around 100,000 soldiers serving, and that is equivalent to a city the size of Carlisle, so the chances are that we haven’t heard of your friend. What’s more, the chances of us knowing which Smudge or Jonah you’re talking about is even slimmer. Every Smith and Jones shares those nicknames.

Have you been to Afghanistan?
Funnily enough, not every soldier in the British Army has been to Afghanistan. Many have, and a large majority of them have earned their medals, but there are plenty of other jobs that soldiers do. Britain has a presence in Northern Ireland, Germany, The Balkans, Georgia, Gibraltar, Cyprus, Iraq, Ethiopia, Kenya, Sierra Leone, Liberia, Nigeria, South Africa, Brunei, and the Falklands, need I go on?
Soldiers serving in these places are performing serious, essential, and often-times dangerous work that goes towards protecting our country’s interests. When Afghan finally comes to an end, we will continue to work all over the world.

Isn’t the army all about getting shouted at and beaten up by your superiors?
There is a lot of robust training in the British Army but the days of Corporals and Sergeants physically abusing people have long gone. I have seen some tough love but I can honestly say that I’ve never seen somebody getting punched or kicked as a form of unsanctioned punishment. That would constitute an abuse of power and possibly bullying. We have a strict approach to both of these things and we don’t stand for it anymore. If you’ve seen a lot of instances of this kind of treatment in the media, doesn’t that mean that we’re cleaning house?

Have you fired the P90/G36/G3/M16/M249/M4A1 etc?
This question inevitably comes from the Call of Duty fan club members. In the minds of the spotty, smelly, teenage boy youth of today, all soldiers are capable of sprinting everywhere, doing full CQB with a full pack, all the while carrying every weapon under the sun. The chances are that these youngsters have heard of more weapon types than your average soldier. After all, we don’t have the benefit of fighting as members of all the world’s various armies. If you’re wondering kids, kit is heavy, ammunition is heavy too, and if you fire it, you have to clean it. The less we have to carry, the better.

Doesn’t the army just use you and then spit you out?
I can’t speak for anybody but myself. In my career, I’ve kept the balance of crap jobs and good jobs pretty even. There have been times that I have felt like I haven’t been treated well but there are many employers in Civvy Street that will treat you a whole lot worse. In the army, there is a really good welfare system, a tried and tested redress route, comprehensive rehabilitation from injury system, lots of paid leave, plenty of in-work benefits, a close knit family environment, and lots of other things that make the job worthwhile. Like I said, I can’t speak for everyone. Life can throw some curve balls. We all react in different ways.

Aren’t you really poorly equipped?
The army provides their soldiers with all the necessary kit and equipment that is required for the job at hand. There have been some occasions where the army has got it wrong, but those occasions are a lot less frequent nowadays. What you get given is tested to a point where the MOD can say that it is sufficient. That doesn’t necessarily mean that it is the best you can get. Many soldiers supplement their issued kit with stuff that they have bought themselves. We are a long way from where we were before Afghan, and there is still a long way to go, but most of the things we buy for ourselves we could probably survive without.

Aren’t you all womanizing misogynists?
There are women serving in the army and they do their jobs just like the men do. There are still some roles that women can’t undertake but that is down to government policy. The job is seen as a masculine one but that isn’t really the case. Certain roles require a bit more finesse and others require a bit of muscle. It really comes down to deciding who the best person for the job is. The lads train hard and play hard but so do nurses. The British Army is such a large and diverse organisation that it is a naturally a mirror of society in general. If there are lads in Civvy Street, there will be lads in the army.

Isn’t the army full of racists?
Despite organizations like the English Defense League and the British National Party using ex soldiers to promote their messages, the British Army is really not a racist organisation. In fact, the British Army is amazingly ethnically diverse due to the amount of foreign and commonwealth soldiers that serve. If the army was racist, it wouldn’t function. Equality and diversity is a major part of our values and standards and the attitudes that we have to the people that we work with are much more forward thinking than those held many civilians. If you can do the job, and are a good team member, you’re ok. Race doesn’t come into it.

Don’t you beat up gays?
I’ve been asked this question a few times and it really gets me angry. Perhaps the army of old did things like that  but in this day and age, such bigoted behavior has no place in society, and if the army is going to tell the world that it is the best, it needs to be the best in all aspects. Just like race, somebody’s sexual orientation has nothing to do with the job. There is no discussion needed. Zero tolerance on bullying and harassment, just get the job done.

Aren’t you stupid if you joined the army?
Maybe 100 years ago but not now. The army is no longer a career of last resort. Many people are looking towards the armed forces because of job security and academic progression. The army offers soldiers the opportunity to gain recognized qualifications that will benefit them when they enter the civilian job market. Civilian employers also benefit by employing service leavers because soldiers, sailors, and airmen have a work ethic and a value systems that often outperforms their civilian competition.

25 Ways You Can Be Jack

The military is well known for all the acronyms, mnemonics, abbreviations, and the slang that it uses. The chances are that if you come across soldiers, sailors, or airmen chatting, you might not understand every word that they use. One prime example is the army’s use of the word “Jack”. It is a word that can be heard every day, on every British Army base in the world. Its meaning is universal, and if it is used in all seriousness, it is a major insult.

If you’re Jack, you’re lazy, you’re not a team player, you’re a shirker, you’re out for yourself, you’re selfish, and you’re going to get the brunt of almost every unpleasant insult in the book. It isn’t a nice thing to be called at all. Nobody wants to be thought of as being Jack. Of course, the army is a little odd when it comes to such terms. Jack is often used as a term of banter.

Confused? To put it into simpler terms, here are 25 ways you can be Jack.

If you make a brew, but don’t make anyone else a brew, that’s a Jack brew. If you do that, you’re Jack.

If block jobs are being handed out and you’ve vanished, only to return when everyone has been detailed, you’re Jack.

If your mates are loading kit onto transport, and you’re standing by with your thumb up your backside, you’re Jack.

If your fitness isn’t up to scratch, and you hop on the Biff Wagon for a ride back to camp, you’re Jack.

If you’re on a sports team, and the rest of the lads are on guard, you might be Jack.

If you knock off early, while everybody else is still working, you’re Jack.

If you sit there polishing your gas parts for an hour, while Pte. F**k-Knuckles is nursing a gopping rifle, you’re Jack.

If you’re mincing around the corridors with a clipboard with nothing on it, while everyone else is sat in some bone lesson, you’re Jack.

If you’ve got rank, and you’re first in the cookhouse queue, you’re Jack.

If you’ve got a lot of rank, and you’re not last in the cookhouse queue, you’re Jack.

If your mates are on some minging gate stag, and you don’t take them a brew, you’re Jack.

If your Platoon Commander gives the lads the option do ditch their webbing while cutting around the harbour area, and you tell him they should be in full kit at all times, you’re Jack.

If you’re reading all these examples, and you think they’re all reasonable things to do, you’re Jack.

If “what happens on tour, stays on tour” doesn’t, because you can’t keep your mouth shut, you’re Jack.

If you somehow manage to get out of stagging on, for any non-legitimate reason, you’re Jack.

If you personally get given a job, and you go and spam somebody else with it because you can’t be bothered, you’re Jack.

If you walk into the block, at any time, having bought only yourself a McDonald’s, you’re Jack.

If you stitch up your mates, in any way, shape, or form, you’re Jack.

If a job needs doing, and volunteers have been asked for but you sit on you fat backside, you’re Jack.

If you’re on a freezing cold exercise, and you’re in a wagon with the heating up high, you’re Jack.

If they’re giving out Gucci kit, and you disappear it all into your own kit without sharing, you’re Jack.

If you sit there and watch somebody getting bullied, whether you like them or not, you’re Jack.

If you grass your mates up for something, when you could have dealt with it yourself, you’re Jack.

If you’ve ever pointed at your rank slide to win an argument, or uttered the words “Rock, Paper, Rank Slide”, you’re Jack.

If everybody is at the O group, and you’re still in your scratcher getting your gonk on, you’re probably Jack.

Feel free to add your own. Sharing is caring and I’m sure you have some great examples.

British Army to Introduce Sniffer Donkeys

British soldiers, weighed down with bulky metal detecting kit, have been a common sight in the warzones of the world for the last ten or so years. The resurgence of booby traps and mines has become the number one cause of casualties among coalition troops and efforts to mitigate the threat have become a military preoccupation for commanders and planners.

Due to a recent campaign by the RSPCA, dogs are being withdrawn from combat duties due to their not having a choice about being put in danger. Activists have successfully lobbied parliament into banning their use for explosive detection but MOD officials have come up with a work-around. From early 2016, the Royal Veterinary Corps will introduce the first of four new sections of sniffer donkeys to active service.

The Working Donkey Regiment will implement the animals into the new 105 Squadron, based at North Luffenham, and it will work alongside the regular 1 MWD unit. Both units will be set up as part of the British Army’s basing plan under FR 2020. Local infrastructure is already geared towards supporting the new unit as North Luffenham boasts the country’s leading equidae cognitive management and research centre and the units will be close to the Defence Animal Centre at Melton Mowbray.

Secretary of Defence, Michael Fallon, told press that “the need for a new approach to non-destructive explosive inspection was needed due to the government’s determined effort to remove dogs from front line jobs by the end of 2015”. He also stated that “future efforts to train and implement alternative species into the British Army shows real ambition on the part of the Ministry of Defense.”

The MWD units headed for North Luffenham have already begun training. 12 donkeys, imported from Spain, have all cleared immigration under EU pet passport regulations and they have already been seen training in Eastmere Village in Thetford. Eastmere Village is the location of the British Army’s state of the art Afghan Village complex which is the envy of military nations all over the world.

25 Signs That You May Have Joined The Infantry

If you ever find yourself staring into space, and wondering where it all went wrong, you might want to think back to the day that you walked into the careers office. There is a good chance that the friendly staff that greeted you had plans other than those you had for yourself. After explaining all the different roles within the British Army, you were probably confused, and they could well have tricked you into making a dodgy choice. Not to worry. Just read through the following 25 points and figure out if you are in the infantry or if you have simply ended up being sectioned under the mental health act.

If you constantly feel the need to show people how much of a man you are, you may have joined the infantry.

If the thought of taking orders from a woman makes you come out in a cold sweat, you may have joined the infantry.

If you believe you are “The Best”, but speak in monosyllabic sentences, and have trouble spelling multisyllabic words, you may have joined the infantry.

If you have no idea what the previous point means, you may have joined the infantry.

If you find that you are carrying more weight than everybody else, and none of the equipment actually belongs to you, you may have joined the infantry.

If you find that you have an inability to point at somebody without doing a chopping motion, you may have joined the infantry.

If you have carnal knowledge of exactly the same women as 90% of the men that you work with, you may have joined the infantry.

If said women are barely recognisable as women, but you freely admit to carnal knowledge anyway, you may have joined the infantry.

If you have come into physical contact with more than one other man’s urine on a party night, you may have joined the infantry.

If you refer to anybody more academically advanced then you as either a “Sir”, or a “REMF”, or a "POG", you may have joined the infantry.

If you have problems with the sentence “Yes Ma’am.” Or “No Ma’am.”, you may have joined the infantry.

If you find yourself moaning about absolutely everything, even things that are completely out of your control, you may have joined the infantry.

If you believe that calling anybody with sergeant stripes and a crown “Colour”, just in case, is an invaluable survival tool, you may have joined the infantry.

If you are on exercise, and find that you have no room for a flask of "cofftea" in your webbing because of hand grenades and smoke grenades, you may have joined the infantry.

If you still believe that you are “The Best”, despite the previous 14 points, you may have joined the infantry.

If your careers advisor looked at your ASVAB or BARB test score, and suggested infantry or infantry, you may have joined the infantry.

If you look at other cap badges’ career courses, and kid yourself that yours are harder because of more beasting or hazing, you may have joined the infantry.

If you wish that your career courses were as easy as other cap badges’, due to less beasting or hazing, you may have joined the infantry.

If you find yourself following the “Fight Light” principle, by carrying less of your own stuff and more of the army’s, you may have joined the infantry.

If you overtly believe that POG/REMF Lance Corporals and Corporals are only equivalent to infantry Toms and Senior Toms, you may have joined the infantry.

If a luxury item on exercise, for you, is something like a Jet Boil or a second bag of Haribo, you may have joined the infantry.

If sole mission on ops is to break the rules of shaving, dress, and to abuse the REMF chain of command, you may have joined the infantry.

If you have trouble maintaining solid, working relationships with partners and family members, because of your drink problem, you may have joined the infantry.

If you like to tell anybody, that will listen, just how much you hate every other corps regiment in the British Army; you may have joined the infantry.

If you secretly wish that you could transfer to any other corps regiment in the British Army, you may have joined the infantry.

25 Signs That You May Have Joined The RMP

Your world is full of people that won’t look you in the eye. You’re starting to sprout hair and you have a fondness for long, phallic, yellow fruit. Is there something they forgot to tell you in the careers office? Somewhere in the back of your mind you’re starting to wonder if you’re even popular. Don’t worry. It may all be just a bad dream. Simply check against this list and determine whether you have been duped into joining the Royal Military Police.

If you can spend a whole day cutting around camp and have nobody speak to you, you may have joined the RMP.

If God gave you a bright red beret, so that normal people can spot it, and get a head start at avoiding you, you may have joined the RMP.

If you look forward to a long civilian police career of picking retired squaddies out of shop doorways at Christmas time, you may have joined the RMP.

If scored highly on your BARB/Airman test, but still don’t have the common sense to wire a plug correctly, you may have joined the RMP.

If you go to work in the morning, excited about using your detective work to find out who stole who’s push bike, you may have joined the RMP.

If MPGS or SBA Police are better respected and better armed than you are, you may have joined the RMP.

If you often find yourself drinking in bars alone, and eating in cook houses alone, and enjoying common areas alone, you may have joined the RMP.

If you spend all your time on general police duties, just dreaming of the day that you can apply for a close protection course, you may have joined the RMP.

If you are jealous about how infantry soldiers are getting all the Gucci CP jobs anyway, you may have joined the RMP.

If you secretly look forward to the moment that you can arrest a member of a rival service, you may have joined the RMP.

If you use your red beret as an excuse to slide on up to pads wives, after their other halves have battered them, you may have joined the RMP.

If you go home after a long day of paperwork, on camp speeding vigilance, and bicycle theft, and batter your other half, you may have joined the RMP.

If you specialised in the SIB, but spend most of your time interviewing lesbians in the RLC about how they’ve been raped by the lads, you may have joined the RMP.

If you have started to develop hair all over your body, your ears have begun to grow to 5 times their normal size, you seem to enjoy swinging through the trees, and you now have a tail, you may have joined the RMP.

If you are allowed to handle and process PWs, but are not actually allowed to interview them, you may have joined the RMP.

If you live in constant fear that your next posting will be JSPSU Falklands, you may have joined the RMP.

If you have very little awareness about just how much you are hated by the rest of the military, you may have joined the RMP.

If you face adversity in your job, and feel as though you need to talk in overly legalistic terms instead of developing a rapport with somebody in order to resolve an issue, you may have joined the RMP.

If you have an instinctive distrust of Jocks, Geordies, Cockneys, Scousers, Mancunians, and the infantry, you may have joined the RMP.

If personality tests determine that you would be an ideal referee/traffic warden/call centre operative/debt collector/door supervisor, you may have joined the RMP.

If you have ever been pointed in the direction of the bananas in the cook house, you may have joined the RMP.

If you spend whole mornings sitting just down the road from the main gates, zapping your own peers with a speed camera, you may have joined the RMP.

If any service person in dire straits would rather go for a real copper for help, you may have joined the RMP.

If have become adept at preparing “creative” evidence for court martials, you may have joined the RMP.

If your high psychometric, numeracy, literacy, and trade specific training courses have given you enough savvy to realise that this list is tongue in cheek, you may have joined the RMP.

25 Signs That You May Have Joined The RAF Regiment

Banter turned up to max in this 25 signs article. The elite RAF Regt get a lot of stick, and when they throw their teddies out of the pram,  it just makes it worse. Sure, they provide a valuable service. They allow the army to go and engage the enemy safe in the knowledge that the rear is secure. Good old boys.

If you heard the term “Rock Ape”, and thought it was something cool, but subsequently realised it was derogatory, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If wearing Wedgewood blue to work just isn’t manly enough for you, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If, at the end of your Airman Selection Test, your careers adviser gave you the choice of Gunner or Gunner, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If every other person, in a different job role within your service, and every other service, in every other military, thinks that you are at the bottom of the food chain, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you spend most of your time guarding the cookhouse/NAAFI/crash gates but are still outranked by the MPGS, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you never venture more than a stone’s throw from the confines of your base, except when supporting SAS/Spetz Naz/SEAL Team 6/The Thunderbirds/Flash Gordon/My Little Pony, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you insist that the RAF Regiment is part of the Big 3, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you haven’t realised that the Big 3 is the pre-Afghan T.A., pre-pubescent ACF, and the presumptuous RAF Regiment, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you find that you do your job and get virtually no recognition from the media, other services, or even your own service, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you find that everyone else in your service looks better than you do in uniform, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you feel as though you’re valued even less than an armourer, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If your operational environment consists of sangar, gate, patrol, sangar, gate, patrol, sangar, gate, patrol, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you think that you are infantry trained, but have never been to any British military establishment starting with “IBS”, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you are painfully waiting for this list to refer to some viral video containing the words “toe to toe”, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If your idea of food on exercise is McDonald’s, Burger King, or KFC, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you find yourself staring at pilots, airmen, and engineers, and wiping a tear away at the thought of what might have been, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you suddenly notice that your shiny WMIK looks like it was just out of the wrapper, even though it has been in Kandahar for 10 years, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you consider yourself to be an “elite” fighting force, but couldn’t fight your way out of a garden party full of old ladies, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you do almost identical training to most army infantry regiments, and generally have a higher IQ, but never get the same respect, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you enjoy gassing other members of your service, because they are obese, they are self important, and they earn more than you, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you think that having attachments for your SA80 makes you feel like a real soldier, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you can drink most army units under the table, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you find yourself to be the cause for the world’s supply of banter on forum sites and Facebook groups, but never actually get involved in it for fear of losing face, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you look at your MTP uniformed body in the mirror, and secretly wonder why you never had the balls to join the Girl Guides, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you can stand toe to toe with the Marines and the Paras, because you too, have completed the Five Miler of Death, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

Contact. Wait out. #56. Options.

Contact. Wait out. #56. Options.

There is a lot of talk at the moment about the quality of food provided by a certain company affiliated with the army. The famous cheese sandwich picture has been matched by a ham sandwich one and people are going crazy with petitions and complaints. Now, I can't say that I've never eaten a rancid meal in one of these establishments and I can't say that I haven't been so disappointed with the offerings that I've chosen to skip a meal. That being said, I do find it funny how people will bitch and complain about the food but then load their plates up with the stuff and then sit in front of me and destroy it.

Funniest of all are the folks that complain about all the greasy, fatty food but then guzzle it down regardless. I'm guilty of that myself. I love chips, so if they're on offer I will always choose them. Got to get those deep fried potatoes. I'm just crushed if I start to eat them and find that they're soggy and undercooked. Unfortunately, that happens all too often.

7 Things You'll Never Hear an Islamic State Soldier Say

The super friendly and dedicated militants over in the Middle East have picked up a nasty reputation of late but perhaps they're just misunderstood. Life can be difficult for steely-eyed fundamentalist dealers of death and the pressures of maintaining a strict feudalistic regime can be overwhelming. All that being said, they stick to it like flies on the proverbial. They never flinch, they never falter, and they never seem to mind. Embrace the West? I doubt it. Here's 7 things an Islamic State soldier would never say.

1. Jesus Christ, I could murder a Bacon Double Cheesburger!
Such gourmet delights might be high on your list of nutritious snacks but the fanatical fighter of IS doesn't have your refined palate. He'd rather eat rice dishes or goat falafel. Ok, perhaps not goat, he's not going to murder his girlfriend and turn her into dinner, but you get the idea. Apart from the lack of McDonald's restaurants in downtown Rafa, bacon doesn't sell all that well in the dustier parts of the world. Plus, if the Great Satan was personified on earth, he'd probably take the form of a scary clown and turn up for children's parties. Again, I doubt he'd be welcome at Bilal's birthday bash.

2. I can't blow myself up today, I'm getting a manicure.
Gone are the days when you'd see your jihadist wearing guy-liner and sporting fashionable jewelry. That look went out with Saladin and his minions. Nowadays the popular garb for our crazed terrorists is the combat trousers, sandals, socks and nondescript army shirt. Washing clothes or hands is not going to happen unless they think their in imminent danger of having some ghostly black-op ninja swabbing them for gunshot or explosive residue.

3. What's so extraordinary about rendition?
If our jihadi is going to get whisked away for questioning, he's hoping that he gets caught by somebody in from the West. If his fellow Muslims catch him, he's going to die a slow and painful death. At least if he gets disappeared by folks that use such colourful phrases as "extraordinary rendition" he'll be able to keep his life long enough to think about what he's done and have a jolly good word with himself. That won't stop him shitting broken glass at the thought of it though. What's that? We don't engage in such activities? Oh, of course we don't. I forgot.

4. Oh, you got the new Eminem album? Turn it up and we can listen while enjoying a brewski.
No brewskies are available in the caliphates. In fact, there's no music either except the wailing of the cute young guys on Man Love Thursdays. Pretty much every single thing that keeps your mind off how rigid the regime is has been banned. Want to sooth the nerves with a crafty fag? Death penalty. Want to chat up a pretty girl? Lashes. Want to confess undying love for your goat? Ok, that's still allowed.

5. Wow! those contrails are really pretty.
Contrails are the white fluffy cloud things that aircraft leave in the sky. We get to see them day in and day out over our skies and they generally mean that some lucky sod is off on holiday. If you live in a war zone, the chances are that those fluffy clouds were left by a more sinister presence. If you're an IS fighter popping mortars into a idyllic desert village, and you're spotted by a lurking drone or fighter bomber, you're only going to have moments to consider how you spent your youth. Death from above is now sponsored by several NATO countries. Embrace it or stay indoors.

6. I do like the design on the American flag. I'm thinking of having it as my wallpaper at home.
I do like the design on the American flag. I'm thinking of having it as my wallpaper at home, said no Islamic State fighter ever. Of all the curtain, carpet, and wallpaper designs in the Aleppo Dunelm Mill, United States of Freedom sees the fewest sales. It is closely followed by Rustic Rule Britannia. Bizarrely, black curtains with funny squiggly white lines are selling like hot-cakes and can be seen in many an ISIS holiday brochure and tourist board video clip.

7. Doesn't the IS flag look pretty above Buckingham Palace.
No Islamic State fighter has said this and no Islamic State fighter will say it. Despite their advances and victories throughout Iraq and Syria, the West would never let them advance far enough. Sure, they might be dreaming of a burning Big Ben and Sharia law across the globe but let's be let's be pragmatic here. Even hardcore West hating Muslims have had enough of their crap and have joined in the fight against them. United the world will defeat evil.

Contact. Wait out. #55. NEM.

Contact. Wait out. #55. NEM.

The New Emplyment Model is coming soon and you should have seen the literature or had a brief on it by now. If you haven't then youneed to be asking some questions of your chain of command. There are some big changes.

The main thing that I got from the new information is that the Army Air Corps pilots are going to be the highest paid trade in the army. Well, we can't argue with that can we? They fly helicopters. I'm going to be a bit further down the pecking order but not as far down as the poor old RLC.

We'll all know this new pay scheme inside out in a couple of years. Just in time for them to announce that they're going to change it again no doubt. Anyway, #CWO55 is about the RLC trying to convince the Regimental Admin Officer department that they're pilots. Sorry to pick on you guys again. We Shitstain! ;)

Contact. Wait out. #54. Top Specs.

Contact. Wait out. #54. Top Specs.

I was told that if this thing flips, the gunner either jumps out or does a starfish and holds on for dear life. Either way, he's going to be leaking brown adrenaline. I did like the sound of getting to use the HMG and ripping the world to pieces but maybe not from a Jackal. Add to that the lack of a roof when it is raining and I'm kind of glad that I'm dismounted. Anyone got their tactical umbrella?

On a different note, I'm struggling a little with the Wacom pen that I use to draw with. I don't feel as though I have as much control as I would with a real pen and paper. This means that I'm constantly going back and redoing a lot of my stuff and even then it doesn't seem to turn out as I'd like. I'm thinking of buying a better bit of tech but it is a lot of money. Don't worry though, eventually I'll get there.