7 Things You'll Never Hear an Islamic State Soldier Say

The super friendly and dedicated militants over in the Middle East have picked up a nasty reputation of late but perhaps they're just misunderstood. Life can be difficult for steely-eyed fundamentalist dealers of death and the pressures of maintaining a strict feudalistic regime can be overwhelming. All that being said, they stick to it like flies on the proverbial. They never flinch, they never falter, and they never seem to mind. Embrace the West? I doubt it. Here's 7 things an Islamic State soldier would never say.

1. Jesus Christ, I could murder a Bacon Double Cheesburger!
Such gourmet delights might be high on your list of nutritious snacks but the fanatical fighter of IS doesn't have your refined palate. He'd rather eat rice dishes or goat falafel. Ok, perhaps not goat, he's not going to murder his girlfriend and turn her into dinner, but you get the idea. Apart from the lack of McDonald's restaurants in downtown Rafa, bacon doesn't sell all that well in the dustier parts of the world. Plus, if the Great Satan was personified on earth, he'd probably take the form of a scary clown and turn up for children's parties. Again, I doubt he'd be welcome at Bilal's birthday bash.

2. I can't blow myself up today, I'm getting a manicure.
Gone are the days when you'd see your jihadist wearing guy-liner and sporting fashionable jewelry. That look went out with Saladin and his minions. Nowadays the popular garb for our crazed terrorists is the combat trousers, sandals, socks and nondescript army shirt. Washing clothes or hands is not going to happen unless they think their in imminent danger of having some ghostly black-op ninja swabbing them for gunshot or explosive residue.

3. What's so extraordinary about rendition?
If our jihadi is going to get whisked away for questioning, he's hoping that he gets caught by somebody in from the West. If his fellow Muslims catch him, he's going to die a slow and painful death. At least if he gets disappeared by folks that use such colourful phrases as "extraordinary rendition" he'll be able to keep his life long enough to think about what he's done and have a jolly good word with himself. That won't stop him shitting broken glass at the thought of it though. What's that? We don't engage in such activities? Oh, of course we don't. I forgot.

4. Oh, you got the new Eminem album? Turn it up and we can listen while enjoying a brewski.
No brewskies are available in the caliphates. In fact, there's no music either except the wailing of the cute young guys on Man Love Thursdays. Pretty much every single thing that keeps your mind off how rigid the regime is has been banned. Want to sooth the nerves with a crafty fag? Death penalty. Want to chat up a pretty girl? Lashes. Want to confess undying love for your goat? Ok, that's still allowed.

5. Wow! those contrails are really pretty.
Contrails are the white fluffy cloud things that aircraft leave in the sky. We get to see them day in and day out over our skies and they generally mean that some lucky sod is off on holiday. If you live in a war zone, the chances are that those fluffy clouds were left by a more sinister presence. If you're an IS fighter popping mortars into a idyllic desert village, and you're spotted by a lurking drone or fighter bomber, you're only going to have moments to consider how you spent your youth. Death from above is now sponsored by several NATO countries. Embrace it or stay indoors.

6. I do like the design on the American flag. I'm thinking of having it as my wallpaper at home.
I do like the design on the American flag. I'm thinking of having it as my wallpaper at home, said no Islamic State fighter ever. Of all the curtain, carpet, and wallpaper designs in the Aleppo Dunelm Mill, United States of Freedom sees the fewest sales. It is closely followed by Rustic Rule Britannia. Bizarrely, black curtains with funny squiggly white lines are selling like hot-cakes and can be seen in many an ISIS holiday brochure and tourist board video clip.

7. Doesn't the IS flag look pretty above Buckingham Palace.
No Islamic State fighter has said this and no Islamic State fighter will say it. Despite their advances and victories throughout Iraq and Syria, the West would never let them advance far enough. Sure, they might be dreaming of a burning Big Ben and Sharia law across the globe but let's be let's be pragmatic here. Even hardcore West hating Muslims have had enough of their crap and have joined in the fight against them. United the world will defeat evil.