Contact. Wait out. #71. Spiked.

Contact. Wait out. #71. Spiked.

There's no story for this one. Just a friendly reminder. Keep your eyes open when you're out on the town. Don't leave your drink unattended, and remember, the CDT team always drop in unannounced.

Contact. Wait Out. # 70. Feedback.

Contact. Wait Out. # 70. Feedback.

This actually happened to me the other day. I was working and two officers came up, in civilian clothes, and started chatting away to me. At first, I wasn't sure who they were exactly. It didn't take them long to tell me though. They got their bit out of the way and then asked me how I thought things were going and how I would change my particular aspect of the job.

As I was talking, I could see the Colonel's attention drifting off. He even folded his arms. I figured I was getting nowhere, so I stopped. That's when he hit me with it. He chinned me right off there and then. He told me I was moaning and that I wouldn't get anywhere. Cheers.

Hey, maybe I was moaning a little bit but a wise man once told me that a moan only becomes a moan when you've raised a valid point several times and nobody has listened.

Gold isn't it. You can have that one.

Contact. Wait out. #68. Resettlement.

Contact. Wait out. #68. Resettlement.

It has been a while since I've posted a strip. I've changed jobs and there isn't much time. No excuses though. I know the old adage. Don't give me problems, give me solutions.

Anyway, I wanted to do a little themed strip about what would happen if our favourite platoon sergeant went into civvy street and how he'd manage. Obviously, we can't speak to civilians the way we speak to each other. I often think of some of the choppers that I've had to work with in the past and imagine them struggling to adjust. I just hope that I'll be fine when I inevitably end up working with real people.

I've always said that I don't ever want a real job.

Contact. Wait out. #67. Nav Ex.

Contact. Wait out. #67. Nav Ex.

If you haven't seen soldiers, in and around camp, playing Pokémon Go, you're not looking hard enough. I was recently walking along the coast and nearly everybody that I saw was playing the game. This ranged from kids all the way up to fully grown adults. People everywhere are playing it and the military is no exception.

While I was on camp, smashing a pretty laborious but essential course, there were soldiers walking around with their heads in their phones. You might think that this raised issues from the chain of command but it didn't. At one point in particular, I saw two officers, a captain and a Major, walking along looking for Pokémon. I thought to myself, "These are the leaders of men and they're playing Pokémon!"

If I'm being totally honest, I'd be playing it too but I'm too scared of losing my life to it. If you're playing it, crack on. I hope you get all the most BA monsters.

7 Things You'll Never Hear an Islamic State Soldier Say

The super friendly and dedicated militants over in the Middle East have picked up a nasty reputation of late but perhaps they're just misunderstood. Life can be difficult for steely-eyed fundamentalist dealers of death and the pressures of maintaining a strict feudalistic regime can be overwhelming. All that being said, they stick to it like flies on the proverbial. They never flinch, they never falter, and they never seem to mind. Embrace the West? I doubt it. Here's 7 things an Islamic State soldier would never say.

1. Jesus Christ, I could murder a Bacon Double Cheesburger!
Such gourmet delights might be high on your list of nutritious snacks but the fanatical fighter of IS doesn't have your refined palate. He'd rather eat rice dishes or goat falafel. Ok, perhaps not goat, he's not going to murder his girlfriend and turn her into dinner, but you get the idea. Apart from the lack of McDonald's restaurants in downtown Rafa, bacon doesn't sell all that well in the dustier parts of the world. Plus, if the Great Satan was personified on earth, he'd probably take the form of a scary clown and turn up for children's parties. Again, I doubt he'd be welcome at Bilal's birthday bash.

2. I can't blow myself up today, I'm getting a manicure.
Gone are the days when you'd see your jihadist wearing guy-liner and sporting fashionable jewelry. That look went out with Saladin and his minions. Nowadays the popular garb for our crazed terrorists is the combat trousers, sandals, socks and nondescript army shirt. Washing clothes or hands is not going to happen unless they think their in imminent danger of having some ghostly black-op ninja swabbing them for gunshot or explosive residue.

3. What's so extraordinary about rendition?
If our jihadi is going to get whisked away for questioning, he's hoping that he gets caught by somebody in from the West. If his fellow Muslims catch him, he's going to die a slow and painful death. At least if he gets disappeared by folks that use such colourful phrases as "extraordinary rendition" he'll be able to keep his life long enough to think about what he's done and have a jolly good word with himself. That won't stop him shitting broken glass at the thought of it though. What's that? We don't engage in such activities? Oh, of course we don't. I forgot.

4. Oh, you got the new Eminem album? Turn it up and we can listen while enjoying a brewski.
No brewskies are available in the caliphates. In fact, there's no music either except the wailing of the cute young guys on Man Love Thursdays. Pretty much every single thing that keeps your mind off how rigid the regime is has been banned. Want to sooth the nerves with a crafty fag? Death penalty. Want to chat up a pretty girl? Lashes. Want to confess undying love for your goat? Ok, that's still allowed.

5. Wow! those contrails are really pretty.
Contrails are the white fluffy cloud things that aircraft leave in the sky. We get to see them day in and day out over our skies and they generally mean that some lucky sod is off on holiday. If you live in a war zone, the chances are that those fluffy clouds were left by a more sinister presence. If you're an IS fighter popping mortars into a idyllic desert village, and you're spotted by a lurking drone or fighter bomber, you're only going to have moments to consider how you spent your youth. Death from above is now sponsored by several NATO countries. Embrace it or stay indoors.

6. I do like the design on the American flag. I'm thinking of having it as my wallpaper at home.
I do like the design on the American flag. I'm thinking of having it as my wallpaper at home, said no Islamic State fighter ever. Of all the curtain, carpet, and wallpaper designs in the Aleppo Dunelm Mill, United States of Freedom sees the fewest sales. It is closely followed by Rustic Rule Britannia. Bizarrely, black curtains with funny squiggly white lines are selling like hot-cakes and can be seen in many an ISIS holiday brochure and tourist board video clip.

7. Doesn't the IS flag look pretty above Buckingham Palace.
No Islamic State fighter has said this and no Islamic State fighter will say it. Despite their advances and victories throughout Iraq and Syria, the West would never let them advance far enough. Sure, they might be dreaming of a burning Big Ben and Sharia law across the globe but let's be let's be pragmatic here. Even hardcore West hating Muslims have had enough of their crap and have joined in the fight against them. United the world will defeat evil.

Contact. Wait out. #54. Top Specs.

Contact. Wait out. #54. Top Specs.

I was told that if this thing flips, the gunner either jumps out or does a starfish and holds on for dear life. Either way, he's going to be leaking brown adrenaline. I did like the sound of getting to use the HMG and ripping the world to pieces but maybe not from a Jackal. Add to that the lack of a roof when it is raining and I'm kind of glad that I'm dismounted. Anyone got their tactical umbrella?

On a different note, I'm struggling a little with the Wacom pen that I use to draw with. I don't feel as though I have as much control as I would with a real pen and paper. This means that I'm constantly going back and redoing a lot of my stuff and even then it doesn't seem to turn out as I'd like. I'm thinking of buying a better bit of tech but it is a lot of money. Don't worry though, eventually I'll get there.

Contact. Wait out. #53. Issue Boots.

Contact. Wait out. #53. Issue Boots.

It seems very evident that some people really get on well with the issue boots. It has always been this way. There are some lucky folks with feet made of steel. For the rest of us, issue boots can be almost unbearable. I don't want to go into too much detail as to why I hate my boots because you can see that on the Facebook page but let it be understood that the best pair of boots I ever wore for work were not given to me through the system.

I remember when the poster came around offering us a choice of several different styles and types. It was as if we would get to choose the boot that most suited us. Of course, that was wishful thinking and I should have known better. Of the 12 or so styles, advertised internally, I think I've seen two. Seriously, why on earth would the army let me choose which boots I wanted to wear? That makes way too much sense.

Anyway, this strip is for all those people that have been crippled by wearing issued boots. Enjoy.

Contact. Wait out. #52. Queen's Regs.

Contact. Wait out. #52. Queen's Regs.

Queen's Regs is a shortened term for Queen's Regulations. It is the bible for serving personnel in the army and it has plenty of policy from dress, to leave, to discipline. If you have a question on the do's and don'ts in the British Army, Queen's Regs is where to go.

It is all well and good having a grasp on what is included in the monster document, but I wouldn't recommend quoting it when you're getting the good news from an NCO. There's a very good chance that you'll be right, but there's an equal chance that you're just going to make the situation worse. You have to remember, the boss isn't always right but he's always the boss.

Thankfully, for those of us with rank, there are plenty of ways to catch people out. Sure, you might quote the book at me but I can just turn to conduct unbecoming or get you with the service test. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

That's if I was a douche. Luckily, I'm cool as...

Contact. Wait out. Quiz. Walt Checker!

Want to figure out if somebody that you know is a Walt? Maybe you're a Walt and you don't realise it. Use the Walt Check 5000 to find out the truth.

Please note that the quiz may take a few seconds to load...

Don't forget to share.

Contact. Wait out. #51. Education.

Contact. Wait out. #51. Education.

This is a take on the popular Batman and Robin meme that can be found all over the Internet. There's a great opportunity for other people to use this picture and make their own memes from it.

Here I've given it a Remembrance Day theme. It is aimed at those folks that claim that they don't need to buy a poppy. Sure, you don't need to buy a poppy but you should. Whether you agree with war or not, whether you agree with your country's foreign policy or not. The poppy is for the people that are no longer with us through war and for those that continue to suffer from war. Your wearing it signifies your understanding of the human struggle against conflict that is in all of us.

Obviously, all that wouldn't fit in the meme.

Feel free to share this and show your support for the appeal. Don't forget that you can donate directly from the Contact. Wait out. main page. Just scroll down the page and click on the big banner ad.

Quiz! How Many F**Ks Were Given?

Here's a bit of fun. Take the quiz and find out just how many f**ks you really give. You reckon you are a cool cat or a stinking hippy? Well, this will let you know.

Please note that the quiz may take a few seconds to load...

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Contact. Wait out. #47. Wargames.

Contact. Wait out. #47. Wargames.

Some of you may see this strip and think that there's some sort of satirical message behind it. Well, there's not. There might be a small snipe at the way military contracts are given out, and how they're crooked, but I have literally no evidence of that so forget I mentioned it.

More notable is the inclusion of fantasy figurines. I got asked to include them in some way and having Generals playing with them seemed fun. There you have it.

I'm about to go away for a bit so there'll be a gap between now and the next strip. Apologies.

Contact. Wait out. #46. Digits.

 

Contact. Wait out. #46. Digits.

Oh, the joys of weapon cleaning. I once spent a good half of a day at Catterick cleaning my SA80 after an exercise. Every time a soldier went up to the DS and asked if their weapon was clean, they'd get sent back because it was dirty. All the time we were bent over our rifles, the DS were switching in and out as they went back to their blocks or homes to get showered. The lads noticed and they weren't impressed.

I quickly figured out that they had a set period of time to get the weapons done, and we didn't have anything better to do, so we weren't going anywhere until they were ready to let us. That meant that nobody's weapon was going to be clean even if it was spotless.

This cartoon refers to a part of the weapon that is notoriously difficult to get right. The breach, sometimes referred to as the cat's ar**hole or the monkey's ar**hole, just can't be dealt with with anything in the cleaning kit. You can only get a tiny bit of your pinky finger in and it can only go in at one angle. If the DS or armourer wants to, they can get carbon out of there every single time they try. It is especially difficult to clean if you have thick fingers. Most of the people inspecting your weapon will have tiny fingers. Of course they do, that's standard.

I hope the armourers don't get butt hurt. I'm only playing.

Quiz! Which Rank Should You Be?

Here's a bit of fun. Take the quiz and find out where you should be in the British Army rank range. You reckon you should be a private soldier or and officer? Well, this will let you know.

Don't forget to share.

8 Reasons Why My Wife Could Never Be A Soldier.

8 Reasons Why My Wife Could Never Be A Soldier.

On a recent camping trip I came to realise that my image of camping is completely different to that of my family. My wife wanted a whole car load of equipment whereas I'd have settled for a bergan. It got me thinking about whether she'd make it in the army. I believe that there are a number of factors that would be total deal breakers for her. Here are 8 of them.

She has no respect for authority.

I've come home from work many times and explained to my wife that I'm being sent to some back-of-beyond location to do a job that I don't particularly feel all that excited about. I've also come home and complained about some aspect of the management when crap is coming my way. Her normal reaction is to tell me to tell them that I'm not going to do it or to tell them to shove it.

“So they're sending me Stanta for a week. It'll be field conditions. I'm not looking forward to it.”

“Just tell them no.”

“It doesn't work like that sweety.”

“Well, I'd tell them to... F**k off.”

That's usually how the conversations go. I couldn't see her standing at attention in front of somebody giving her the good news. I reckon she'd get about 30 seconds into basic training before there was a monumental clash of personalities and somebody gave up. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be the army. Army 1 – Wife 0

She has no concept of timings.

We were invited to attend a pretty huge function. There were several units involved and the attendance was going to be in the thousands. I was dicked to help out with the running of said event, so I had to travel down early. Note that the travel time was around an hour and a half and the event started at 0900. The rest of the unit, and their families, were given the opportunity to take a bus that was put on by battalion.

The transport left at 0700, and I relayed this information to the wife, but she wasn't impressed. She wanted them to put back the transport timings because it was too early in the morning and she didn't want to arrive that early. I had to explain to her that the army wasn't going to change the whole day because she wanted to get a bit more sleep. She didn't ride down on the bus. My wife came down in her car a little later in the day. We'll call that compromise. Army 1 – Wife 1.

PT is never going to happen.

When motivated, and I mean really motivated, my better half will attempt some sort of fitness regime. The rest of the time it is her prerogative to do whatever the hell she wants.. Physical exercise is hard work and there simply isn't enough time in the day for that.

Unfortunately, in the army, PT is not optional. You've got it three times a week and CO's PT on a Friday. Let's not forget sports on Wednesday and that everyone is expected to get get involved with whatever fun run or crazy sponsored gym beasting that is going on. There isn't really any way to hide from fitness so my wife would either get super fit or get the hell out. Something tells me that, if she had no other choice, she'd soon get to enjoying whichever type of fitness she got into. She probably wouldn't like it at first but then who does? Army 2 – Wife 1.

She doesn't speak “Army”.

Reference Argos, come two knuckles left of that, 6 o'clock of gopping bloater, Walt chopper in the shemagh and Crye trousers. Seen?

If I said that to a fellow soldier, they'd be giving me a full debrief on the lizard that I'd just pointed out. If I said it to my wife she might get as far as Argos and then start thinking about going to look at the catalogues. Granted, there are a few phrases that she's allowed to slip into her vocabulary, but there is still a whole world of language that she'd just get annoyed at.

Can any of you imagine your partners answering the phone with “Send”, or referring to any local news agents as the NAAFI, or any cool new item of anything at all as “Gucci”? Nope, my wife does not play this game. Army 2 - Wife 2.

She doesn't understand ironing.

Gone are the days when our partners were good around the house. You'd be lucky if you have a partner that can cook. My wife readily confesses that she doesn't iron. That's probably a good thing as, like many of you, I wouldn't let her near my uniform. Remember when we had the DPM stuff that needed creases everywhere? Can you imagine giving that to somebody else to have a go on?

I can't say that I really enjoy the activity myself. It is just something that has to be done. That being said, I do take a little pride in doing it properly. The Mrs doesn't ever get the iron out. If she was in the army she'd look like a bag of you know what and that would mean trouble. Army 3 – Wife 2.

4,000 calories per day would ruin her.

That's what they say an exercising soldier needs every day. All the movement, advance to contact, section attacks, and shivering in stag positions takes it out of you. You need those calories to keep you going. We've already discussed how the wife clashes with PT. If she was allowed to smash the food into her, soup, main meal, sponge tart and custard, juice and a cuppa, for her evening meal alone, she'd end up the size of a house. We don't want that and neither does she.

You wonder why seniors get a little more rotund as they progress through the ranks? It is because they eat as much as they did when they were running about with the lads but they don't run about with the lads so much. The army is just doing its job here. Army 4 – Wife 2.

She would never survive in the field.

Have you ever gone so far into an exercise that your finger nails start to rot? You've turned your pants inside out, worn them back to front, and then gone back to your first pair because they are slightly less cardboard. You've had pimples the size of oranges growing on your face your hair feels like it has a colony of insects living in it. These are the things we face on exercise and it is why we look so bad when we finally come in.

The wife would struggle with just one spider sharing her sleeping bag with her. She'd crumble if she had to go more than a couple of days without a shower. We haven't even mentioned the food yet. I recently told her that I've often sat down to a meal of freezing cold baked beans and sausages for my breakfast, or drunk cold leek and potato soup straight from the packet for my dinner, and she thought this was disgusting. I don't think she'd manage on hard routine. Oh and the lack of sleep? Forget it. Army 5 – wife 2.

She can't handle banter.

I wouldn't feel normal if I wasn't called the C word at least a few times a week. It is almost a term of endearment in this job. Conversely, in my household, it is a real no go. I guess that's a civvy thing. Also, I'm used to my colleagues picking out any weakness and relentlessly pursuing it until I either snap or they find somebody else to harass.

My wife doesn't react in the same way. If I give a little banter she gets really defensive or gets upset. The same rules don't apply. If she was put into my work environment, and the gloves were off, she'd end up hitting somebody or she'd end up in a sobbing wreck in the corner. Easy this one. Army 6 – Wife 2.

In conclusion, although she's a pretty robust individual, she really isn't the army type. She probably wouldn't even consider it as profession. This is actually a good thing. If she was a typical army girl, I wouldn't be interested anyway.

Contact. Wait out. #43. AGAI 67. Pt.1

 Contact. Wait out. #43. AGAI 67. Pt.1

True story bro'. I was present for a blanket AGAI briefing where a bunch of NCOs were getting told how to correctly use the army disciplinary system. It was a good idea, due to many people not really understanding the correct procedures, but nobody monitored the people that had just been given their new-found power.

By the way, the army disciplinary system goes way beyond this simple term. The AGAI 67 is a minor sanction that doesn't go on your record. I guess it is similar to the NJP that the Americans use. You do get beasted by everybody that needs to sign it though, and plenty of folks are going to know that you've messed up, so it isn't like a simple slap on the wrist.

I witnessed incidents where folks were getting threatened with AGAI action for not getting their NCOs snacks from the NAAFI, for not volunteering for extra duties, for not attending non-compulsary gym sessions, and for many other such random and off-duty behaviours. Sometimes, AGAI action was replaced by crap jobs instead because folks still couldn't figure out the process.

Smarter people than me put  the AGAI system together, and when it is used properly, it becomes part of a robust and fair disciplinary and administrative system. It is human nature to want to play with a new toy. You just have to know what you're doing when you do play with it or you're going to upset a lot of people and make yourself look like an idiot.

For the record, I have been AGAI'd once. I was innocent of course.

Contact. Wait out. #42. Hired Help.

Contact. Wait out. #42. Hired Help.

Everybody needs a little extra cash nowadays and there are many places that reservists and ex-soldiers can turn to. Not to mention any names but there is one such company that provides demo troops to the army. The work is vital in today's economic climate, and the training that the company provides is world class, but they do attract some of the more creative people that the military has employed in the past.

If you don't know what a Walt is, it is a reference to the guy who made up fantastic stories about his life. In the British military it is a guy, or girl, who claims to have done more than he ever did and sometimes even has the brass to wear medals that he was never entitled to. These are the lowest forms of life, if they are actually civilians, and if they're military in any way, they're the lowest form of life there too.

These douche bags will always Walt about being S.A.S. or Parachute Regiment and will make up amazing war stories that they'll tell anyone that'll listen. The trouble is that there are plenty of people that can see through their lies. You have to wonder why these morons do what they do but they continue to do it.

Contact. Wait out. #33. Liberties.

Contact. Wait out. #33. Liberties.

You know, soldiers have a special way of speaking to each other. To an outsider, the level of bad language and ruthless abuse could be considered a bit over the top. You certainly wouldn't get away with it in an everyday office environment. Equality and diversity and human resources departments would have a cow and start sacking people on the spot.

There's no way an outsider could get away with talking to a squaddie the way that squaddies talk to one another. You see, the banter is horrific for a reason. It might not be immediately obvious, but when a soldier verbally destroys another soldier, he's actually figuring out what kind of character he has. If the guy can take the banter, and give some back, then you know he's alright. If he shows weakness, and snaps, then you know he's not so cool. Of course, there are times when the banter gets too much and people break but that's all part of the game. You got to have thick skin in this job.

Contact. Wait out. #32. Crows.

Contact. Wait out. #32. Crows.

If you get called a crow, in the British army, you're getting insulted. It's like being called a Boot in the US Marine Corps. Crow actually stands for something. It means Combat Recruit of War. You know, that super keen recruit that lives and breathes the army spirit and ethos and has yet to realise that he's soon going to be dry bummed on a regular basis.

Your crowbag still thinks that wearing Silver Shadows over Nike or Reebok is cool. He still would rather have an issue daysack over a Blackhawk, Karrimor, Viper, or Motherlode. His enthusiasm sucks at your very life force because you remembered that, in the very distant past, you were filled with enthusiasm too. The Crow just annoys you.

The thing is, it isn't his fault at all. He's just living his life and getting on with it the only way he knows how. You're the one with the problem. All that bitterness that the army has humped into you has turned you against the innocent new guy. Damn crow, what a wanker. How dare he make you contemplate your own psyche. Best you go and fuck with him a bit punish him for it.

7 Things You'll Never Hear an Islamic State Soldier Say

Always up for a bit of satirehere at #CWO. Check out the latest article, hosted over at The Daily Heckle.

7 Things You'll Never Hear an Islamic State Soldier Say