8 Reasons Why My Wife Could Never Be A Soldier.

8 Reasons Why My Wife Could Never Be A Soldier.

On a recent camping trip I came to realise that my image of camping is completely different to that of my family. My wife wanted a whole car load of equipment whereas I'd have settled for a bergan. It got me thinking about whether she'd make it in the army. I believe that there are a number of factors that would be total deal breakers for her. Here are 8 of them.

She has no respect for authority.

I've come home from work many times and explained to my wife that I'm being sent to some back-of-beyond location to do a job that I don't particularly feel all that excited about. I've also come home and complained about some aspect of the management when crap is coming my way. Her normal reaction is to tell me to tell them that I'm not going to do it or to tell them to shove it.

“So they're sending me Stanta for a week. It'll be field conditions. I'm not looking forward to it.”

“Just tell them no.”

“It doesn't work like that sweety.”

“Well, I'd tell them to... F**k off.”

That's usually how the conversations go. I couldn't see her standing at attention in front of somebody giving her the good news. I reckon she'd get about 30 seconds into basic training before there was a monumental clash of personalities and somebody gave up. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be the army. Army 1 – Wife 0

She has no concept of timings.

We were invited to attend a pretty huge function. There were several units involved and the attendance was going to be in the thousands. I was dicked to help out with the running of said event, so I had to travel down early. Note that the travel time was around an hour and a half and the event started at 0900. The rest of the unit, and their families, were given the opportunity to take a bus that was put on by battalion.

The transport left at 0700, and I relayed this information to the wife, but she wasn't impressed. She wanted them to put back the transport timings because it was too early in the morning and she didn't want to arrive that early. I had to explain to her that the army wasn't going to change the whole day because she wanted to get a bit more sleep. She didn't ride down on the bus. My wife came down in her car a little later in the day. We'll call that compromise. Army 1 – Wife 1.

PT is never going to happen.

When motivated, and I mean really motivated, my better half will attempt some sort of fitness regime. The rest of the time it is her prerogative to do whatever the hell she wants.. Physical exercise is hard work and there simply isn't enough time in the day for that.

Unfortunately, in the army, PT is not optional. You've got it three times a week and CO's PT on a Friday. Let's not forget sports on Wednesday and that everyone is expected to get get involved with whatever fun run or crazy sponsored gym beasting that is going on. There isn't really any way to hide from fitness so my wife would either get super fit or get the hell out. Something tells me that, if she had no other choice, she'd soon get to enjoying whichever type of fitness she got into. She probably wouldn't like it at first but then who does? Army 2 – Wife 1.

She doesn't speak “Army”.

Reference Argos, come two knuckles left of that, 6 o'clock of gopping bloater, Walt chopper in the shemagh and Crye trousers. Seen?

If I said that to a fellow soldier, they'd be giving me a full debrief on the lizard that I'd just pointed out. If I said it to my wife she might get as far as Argos and then start thinking about going to look at the catalogues. Granted, there are a few phrases that she's allowed to slip into her vocabulary, but there is still a whole world of language that she'd just get annoyed at.

Can any of you imagine your partners answering the phone with “Send”, or referring to any local news agents as the NAAFI, or any cool new item of anything at all as “Gucci”? Nope, my wife does not play this game. Army 2 - Wife 2.

She doesn't understand ironing.

Gone are the days when our partners were good around the house. You'd be lucky if you have a partner that can cook. My wife readily confesses that she doesn't iron. That's probably a good thing as, like many of you, I wouldn't let her near my uniform. Remember when we had the DPM stuff that needed creases everywhere? Can you imagine giving that to somebody else to have a go on?

I can't say that I really enjoy the activity myself. It is just something that has to be done. That being said, I do take a little pride in doing it properly. The Mrs doesn't ever get the iron out. If she was in the army she'd look like a bag of you know what and that would mean trouble. Army 3 – Wife 2.

4,000 calories per day would ruin her.

That's what they say an exercising soldier needs every day. All the movement, advance to contact, section attacks, and shivering in stag positions takes it out of you. You need those calories to keep you going. We've already discussed how the wife clashes with PT. If she was allowed to smash the food into her, soup, main meal, sponge tart and custard, juice and a cuppa, for her evening meal alone, she'd end up the size of a house. We don't want that and neither does she.

You wonder why seniors get a little more rotund as they progress through the ranks? It is because they eat as much as they did when they were running about with the lads but they don't run about with the lads so much. The army is just doing its job here. Army 4 – Wife 2.

She would never survive in the field.

Have you ever gone so far into an exercise that your finger nails start to rot? You've turned your pants inside out, worn them back to front, and then gone back to your first pair because they are slightly less cardboard. You've had pimples the size of oranges growing on your face your hair feels like it has a colony of insects living in it. These are the things we face on exercise and it is why we look so bad when we finally come in.

The wife would struggle with just one spider sharing her sleeping bag with her. She'd crumble if she had to go more than a couple of days without a shower. We haven't even mentioned the food yet. I recently told her that I've often sat down to a meal of freezing cold baked beans and sausages for my breakfast, or drunk cold leek and potato soup straight from the packet for my dinner, and she thought this was disgusting. I don't think she'd manage on hard routine. Oh and the lack of sleep? Forget it. Army 5 – wife 2.

She can't handle banter.

I wouldn't feel normal if I wasn't called the C word at least a few times a week. It is almost a term of endearment in this job. Conversely, in my household, it is a real no go. I guess that's a civvy thing. Also, I'm used to my colleagues picking out any weakness and relentlessly pursuing it until I either snap or they find somebody else to harass.

My wife doesn't react in the same way. If I give a little banter she gets really defensive or gets upset. The same rules don't apply. If she was put into my work environment, and the gloves were off, she'd end up hitting somebody or she'd end up in a sobbing wreck in the corner. Easy this one. Army 6 – Wife 2.

In conclusion, although she's a pretty robust individual, she really isn't the army type. She probably wouldn't even consider it as profession. This is actually a good thing. If she was a typical army girl, I wouldn't be interested anyway.