How to melt a barrel.

When the CoC tell you to fire off all the ammuniton so you make unlimited belts and melt the barrels.

#Carbon

Contact. Wait out. #71. Spiked.

Contact. Wait out. #71. Spiked.

There's no story for this one. Just a friendly reminder. Keep your eyes open when you're out on the town. Don't leave your drink unattended, and remember, the CDT team always drop in unannounced.

Contact. Wait Out. # 70. Feedback.

Contact. Wait Out. # 70. Feedback.

This actually happened to me the other day. I was working and two officers came up, in civilian clothes, and started chatting away to me. At first, I wasn't sure who they were exactly. It didn't take them long to tell me though. They got their bit out of the way and then asked me how I thought things were going and how I would change my particular aspect of the job.

As I was talking, I could see the Colonel's attention drifting off. He even folded his arms. I figured I was getting nowhere, so I stopped. That's when he hit me with it. He chinned me right off there and then. He told me I was moaning and that I wouldn't get anywhere. Cheers.

Hey, maybe I was moaning a little bit but a wise man once told me that a moan only becomes a moan when you've raised a valid point several times and nobody has listened.

Gold isn't it. You can have that one.

Contact. Wait out. #69. That One Guy

Contact. Wait out. #69. That One Guy

If you were ever dumb enough to lose your beret before forming up, you'll know all about this. You'd be that one guy. If you haven't you'll have more than likely seen it at some point.

You simply can't go on parade without your beret on. Those that have lost it, and have their helmet nearby, would have to put their helmet on. It makes sense. However, if you were that unlucky fellow wearing your helmet, while everyone else was wearing the correct head dress, you'd stick out like a sore thumb. Everyone else would know that you'd messed up and so would the senior NCOs and Officers.

Thankfully, I never have. It still makes me giggle when I pass a formed up group of soldiers and see it.

Contact. Wait out. #68. Resettlement.

Contact. Wait out. #68. Resettlement.

It has been a while since I've posted a strip. I've changed jobs and there isn't much time. No excuses though. I know the old adage. Don't give me problems, give me solutions.

Anyway, I wanted to do a little themed strip about what would happen if our favourite platoon sergeant went into civvy street and how he'd manage. Obviously, we can't speak to civilians the way we speak to each other. I often think of some of the choppers that I've had to work with in the past and imagine them struggling to adjust. I just hope that I'll be fine when I inevitably end up working with real people.

I've always said that I don't ever want a real job.

Contact. Wait out. #67. Nav Ex.

Contact. Wait out. #67. Nav Ex.

If you haven't seen soldiers, in and around camp, playing Pokémon Go, you're not looking hard enough. I was recently walking along the coast and nearly everybody that I saw was playing the game. This ranged from kids all the way up to fully grown adults. People everywhere are playing it and the military is no exception.

While I was on camp, smashing a pretty laborious but essential course, there were soldiers walking around with their heads in their phones. You might think that this raised issues from the chain of command but it didn't. At one point in particular, I saw two officers, a captain and a Major, walking along looking for Pokémon. I thought to myself, "These are the leaders of men and they're playing Pokémon!"

If I'm being totally honest, I'd be playing it too but I'm too scared of losing my life to it. If you're playing it, crack on. I hope you get all the most BA monsters.

Contact. Wait Out. #66. Fly on the Wall.

Contact. Wait Out. #66. Fly on the Wall.

So, if you're out at a fayre this summer, or you happen upon some outreach event run by an army outreach team, you could get the chance to play with the Occulus Rift. I haven't had a go on one yet but I am reliably informed that they are good fun. You get to see some pretty cool stuff, as you would with most Rift videos, but I doubt you'd get a real picture of army life. Still, as a recruiting tool, it is a pretty good idea.

I hope to get my hands on one soon. If you've already had a go, let us know what you think.

Contact. Wait out. #64. Brexit Voter Apathy.

Contact. Wait out. #64. Brexit Voter Apathy.

The day is finally upon us. Voters will determine whether we stay in the EU or leave it. I have to say that I'm glad. There has been a lot of media attention and it has left a lot of us annoyed. Those in the stay camp are really vocal about it and those in the leave camp are just as loud. Somewhere in the middle are the folk that either don't know or don't care.

There is so much noise that it is almost impossible to stay on the fence, or worse still, not vote at all. Don't let anyone know that though. Either side will beat you over the head with their opinion until you walk away or throat punch them to oblivion.

I'm not saying where I'm putting an X or even if I will. We'll just have to see how the day ends.

Contact. Wait out. #63. The Special Relationship.

Contact. Wait out. #63. The Special Relationship.

There is a lot of stuff in the media at the moment mentioning the break up between the European Union and the United Kingdom. Whatever your opinion on that, there are some relationships that seem like they'll last forever. The UK US relationship is one of those.

The common language is a great start and the fact that there are millions of people over the pond that used to be British means that we'll always have a hell of a lot in common. Our cultures seem to feed off each other, and even if we'd be quite happy to send the likes of Bieber straight back, what works there seems to work here and vise versa.

Whenever I've worked with Americans, it doesn't take long to realise that they're not all gung-ho, dip chewing, yee haw, lunatics. Most of them are just like us. The Marines especially have the same sort of attitude to the job and deal with the trials and tribulations in much the same stoic fashion. When watching the HBO show Generation Kill, I was struck by just how similar the narrative was to our own.

The special relationship is a phrase that the politicians like to band around but long may that relationship continue.

Contact. Wait Out. #62 Badmin on exercise got me like...

Contact. Wait Out. #62 Badmin on exercise got me like...

Somebody commented on a friend of mine's hair recently and that gave me the idea for this strip. I was just going to draw him with Dragon Ball Z hair but then I decided to do the whole thing in the style.

Basically, Matt had some serious exercise hair going on and whenever he took his helmet off, we were confronted with this. Sorry Matt.

The subject deals with those moments in the field when you think everything is going great, and you're doing your part, but somebody does something that makes it fall apart. It is bad admin (badmin) and it can really break up the momentum. It can take many forms but it usually manifests its self in an officer. If it were left to exercising troops, the chances are that we'd kick mucho ass on the way to winning the blank firing war. Doesn't that just sound so manly? Of course it doesn't but you catch my drift.

Let's hear it for Toms, junior NCOs, and the seniors that graft. By the way, I have no idea what Dragon Ball Z is other than manga characters with crazy hair and super powers. Please don't feel the need to educate me on this.

Contact. Wait out. #60. Liberties II.

Contact. Wait out. #60. Liberties II.

With all the social media outlets dealing with military issues, it is easy for people to jump on the bandwagon when it comes to military matters. That's usually a good thing as it allows the general public, and those affiliated with the military in some way, to get a feel for what is going on. Understanding can only breed support.

The trouble is that it also attracts dreamers and walts. The kind of people that feel that because they know what's happening in our world, they can comment on things in the same way that we would. We may have rivalries between cap badges, we may have issues with certain parts of the job, we may even have problems with certain personalities within the services, but that doesn't mean that anyone can sound off about it. We're a close knit group that is bonded by shared experience and hardships. If somebody hasn't been through that with us, they don't have a right to comment. Sure, they can show understanding and sympathy, but let's not have anyone trying to kid on that they know where we're coming from.

That being said, we still love the support we get. 99% of the folks that follow our armed forces make us want to serve. Even the complete creatures that we watch on Jezza. Hmm, maybe not them.

Contact. Wait out. #59. 24 Hour Guard.

Contact. Wait out. #59. 24 Hour Guard.

You've got to love 24 hour guard. Especially when you do it with the same group of lads. We all talk about shared hardships bringing us together in the military and that doesn't just mean being shot at. The gruelling experience that is 24 hour guard is one of those hardships. The format various from camp to camp. Guardrooms can be right next to the gate or a short walk away from it. Whatever the setup, it is long, it is boring, and you feel like you've done something wrong in your life when you're stagging on at half four in the morning. Stag, or guard, or whatever you want to call it, is one of military life's most depressing assignments.

The day time element is usually manageable. It is light, we're awake, and there is usually a bit to talk about. It is the night part of it that sucks. The chances are that you're going to be tired and annoyed. You've talked to the guy next to you for hours already and you just want to crawl into your pit and sleep.

I was always notoriously hard to deal with in the small hours. My patience was very thin. I have a very low BS threshold so any kind of pointless small talk or crap chat would snap me. It was always best to leave me alone until I warmed up. It wouldn't be abnormal for me to sit there for at least an hour without saying a word. I never did  it to be a dick, I just needed some me time before beginning to cope with the world.

So, the next time you see a service person manning a gate or working in a guardroom, just give them a little leeway. They're probably at their wits end. Oh, and if you're serving and you see your muckers on stag, don't forget to give them grief.

Contact. Wait out. #58. Movie Night.

Contact. Wait out. #58. Movie Night.

Any serving member of the armed forces, or any veteran for that matter, will relate to this. We simply can't sit and enjoy a movie that has a military aspect without picking holes in it. It is very rare for me to be so engrossed in a movie that I don't notice things that don't work or that look wrong.

I recently sat through Platoon and it was spoiled when I noticed that the link for the M60 was all blank. I mean, they zoomed in on it for crying out loud. Where was the military advisor telling Oliver Stone what he should and shouldn't be leaving on the cutting room floor? In fact, Oliver Stone was a salty Vietnam veteran. He should have been all over this himself. Come on Olly.

Any type of military movie without a superb advisor gets relegated to the B Movie category for me when I see these unforgivable transgressions. Even Blackhawk Down has been spoiled by some questionable close-ups. Don't even get me started on TV. Take a look at this monstrosity!

What the actual F**k! The poor actress is doing her best to play a part that she's been given but she is instantly made ridiculous by the ineptitude of the advisor or lack thereof. If she was in, she'd get rifted for the beret, for starters, and the top collar button done up is just asking for some special attention.

If there are any film makers out there that want their work to be taken seriously, get some military in. We'll square you away and make sure that your work isn't a complete shower.

Contact. Wait out. #57. Cutbacks.

Contact. Wait out. #57. Cutbacks.

The current murmurings from the lads centres around the non-issue of daysacks. If you follow some of the popular Facebook groups, you'll be aware of the difficulties that some soldiers are having. Now, while I do believe that the army should issue a soldier with everything that they need to do the job, I'm also well aware that we do our absolute best to wear as much non issue kit as we can get away with. We're quite happy to go out and buy a pair of £150 boots, and many soldiers have already bought their own gucci daysacks.

The trouble seems to be that guys are being sent places where extra kit is needed and they are being told that they have to buy it themselves. There is no choice, it is either buy it or else. That's a fundamental problem right there. Sure, we have a laugh and a giggle but surely a private soldier can't be expected to pay more than 10% of his monthly wage on equipment for work. You wouldn't ask a soldier to buy his own rifle.

25 Ways You Can Be Jack

The military is well known for all the acronyms, mnemonics, abbreviations, and the slang that it uses. The chances are that if you come across soldiers, sailors, or airmen chatting, you might not understand every word that they use. One prime example is the army’s use of the word “Jack”. It is a word that can be heard every day, on every British Army base in the world. Its meaning is universal, and if it is used in all seriousness, it is a major insult.

If you’re Jack, you’re lazy, you’re not a team player, you’re a shirker, you’re out for yourself, you’re selfish, and you’re going to get the brunt of almost every unpleasant insult in the book. It isn’t a nice thing to be called at all. Nobody wants to be thought of as being Jack. Of course, the army is a little odd when it comes to such terms. Jack is often used as a term of banter.

Confused? To put it into simpler terms, here are 25 ways you can be Jack.

If you make a brew, but don’t make anyone else a brew, that’s a Jack brew. If you do that, you’re Jack.

If block jobs are being handed out and you’ve vanished, only to return when everyone has been detailed, you’re Jack.

If your mates are loading kit onto transport, and you’re standing by with your thumb up your backside, you’re Jack.

If your fitness isn’t up to scratch, and you hop on the Biff Wagon for a ride back to camp, you’re Jack.

If you’re on a sports team, and the rest of the lads are on guard, you might be Jack.

If you knock off early, while everybody else is still working, you’re Jack.

If you sit there polishing your gas parts for an hour, while Pte. F**k-Knuckles is nursing a gopping rifle, you’re Jack.

If you’re mincing around the corridors with a clipboard with nothing on it, while everyone else is sat in some bone lesson, you’re Jack.

If you’ve got rank, and you’re first in the cookhouse queue, you’re Jack.

If you’ve got a lot of rank, and you’re not last in the cookhouse queue, you’re Jack.

If your mates are on some minging gate stag, and you don’t take them a brew, you’re Jack.

If your Platoon Commander gives the lads the option do ditch their webbing while cutting around the harbour area, and you tell him they should be in full kit at all times, you’re Jack.

If you’re reading all these examples, and you think they’re all reasonable things to do, you’re Jack.

If “what happens on tour, stays on tour” doesn’t, because you can’t keep your mouth shut, you’re Jack.

If you somehow manage to get out of stagging on, for any non-legitimate reason, you’re Jack.

If you personally get given a job, and you go and spam somebody else with it because you can’t be bothered, you’re Jack.

If you walk into the block, at any time, having bought only yourself a McDonald’s, you’re Jack.

If you stitch up your mates, in any way, shape, or form, you’re Jack.

If a job needs doing, and volunteers have been asked for but you sit on you fat backside, you’re Jack.

If you’re on a freezing cold exercise, and you’re in a wagon with the heating up high, you’re Jack.

If they’re giving out Gucci kit, and you disappear it all into your own kit without sharing, you’re Jack.

If you sit there and watch somebody getting bullied, whether you like them or not, you’re Jack.

If you grass your mates up for something, when you could have dealt with it yourself, you’re Jack.

If you’ve ever pointed at your rank slide to win an argument, or uttered the words “Rock, Paper, Rank Slide”, you’re Jack.

If everybody is at the O group, and you’re still in your scratcher getting your gonk on, you’re probably Jack.

Feel free to add your own. Sharing is caring and I’m sure you have some great examples.

25 Signs That You May Have Joined The RMP

Your world is full of people that won’t look you in the eye. You’re starting to sprout hair and you have a fondness for long, phallic, yellow fruit. Is there something they forgot to tell you in the careers office? Somewhere in the back of your mind you’re starting to wonder if you’re even popular. Don’t worry. It may all be just a bad dream. Simply check against this list and determine whether you have been duped into joining the Royal Military Police.

If you can spend a whole day cutting around camp and have nobody speak to you, you may have joined the RMP.

If God gave you a bright red beret, so that normal people can spot it, and get a head start at avoiding you, you may have joined the RMP.

If you look forward to a long civilian police career of picking retired squaddies out of shop doorways at Christmas time, you may have joined the RMP.

If scored highly on your BARB/Airman test, but still don’t have the common sense to wire a plug correctly, you may have joined the RMP.

If you go to work in the morning, excited about using your detective work to find out who stole who’s push bike, you may have joined the RMP.

If MPGS or SBA Police are better respected and better armed than you are, you may have joined the RMP.

If you often find yourself drinking in bars alone, and eating in cook houses alone, and enjoying common areas alone, you may have joined the RMP.

If you spend all your time on general police duties, just dreaming of the day that you can apply for a close protection course, you may have joined the RMP.

If you are jealous about how infantry soldiers are getting all the Gucci CP jobs anyway, you may have joined the RMP.

If you secretly look forward to the moment that you can arrest a member of a rival service, you may have joined the RMP.

If you use your red beret as an excuse to slide on up to pads wives, after their other halves have battered them, you may have joined the RMP.

If you go home after a long day of paperwork, on camp speeding vigilance, and bicycle theft, and batter your other half, you may have joined the RMP.

If you specialised in the SIB, but spend most of your time interviewing lesbians in the RLC about how they’ve been raped by the lads, you may have joined the RMP.

If you have started to develop hair all over your body, your ears have begun to grow to 5 times their normal size, you seem to enjoy swinging through the trees, and you now have a tail, you may have joined the RMP.

If you are allowed to handle and process PWs, but are not actually allowed to interview them, you may have joined the RMP.

If you live in constant fear that your next posting will be JSPSU Falklands, you may have joined the RMP.

If you have very little awareness about just how much you are hated by the rest of the military, you may have joined the RMP.

If you face adversity in your job, and feel as though you need to talk in overly legalistic terms instead of developing a rapport with somebody in order to resolve an issue, you may have joined the RMP.

If you have an instinctive distrust of Jocks, Geordies, Cockneys, Scousers, Mancunians, and the infantry, you may have joined the RMP.

If personality tests determine that you would be an ideal referee/traffic warden/call centre operative/debt collector/door supervisor, you may have joined the RMP.

If you have ever been pointed in the direction of the bananas in the cook house, you may have joined the RMP.

If you spend whole mornings sitting just down the road from the main gates, zapping your own peers with a speed camera, you may have joined the RMP.

If any service person in dire straits would rather go for a real copper for help, you may have joined the RMP.

If have become adept at preparing “creative” evidence for court martials, you may have joined the RMP.

If your high psychometric, numeracy, literacy, and trade specific training courses have given you enough savvy to realise that this list is tongue in cheek, you may have joined the RMP.

Contact. Wait out. #55. NEM.

Contact. Wait out. #55. NEM.

The New Emplyment Model is coming soon and you should have seen the literature or had a brief on it by now. If you haven't then youneed to be asking some questions of your chain of command. There are some big changes.

The main thing that I got from the new information is that the Army Air Corps pilots are going to be the highest paid trade in the army. Well, we can't argue with that can we? They fly helicopters. I'm going to be a bit further down the pecking order but not as far down as the poor old RLC.

We'll all know this new pay scheme inside out in a couple of years. Just in time for them to announce that they're going to change it again no doubt. Anyway, #CWO55 is about the RLC trying to convince the Regimental Admin Officer department that they're pilots. Sorry to pick on you guys again. We Shitstain! ;)

Contact. Wait out. #52. Queen's Regs.

Contact. Wait out. #52. Queen's Regs.

Queen's Regs is a shortened term for Queen's Regulations. It is the bible for serving personnel in the army and it has plenty of policy from dress, to leave, to discipline. If you have a question on the do's and don'ts in the British Army, Queen's Regs is where to go.

It is all well and good having a grasp on what is included in the monster document, but I wouldn't recommend quoting it when you're getting the good news from an NCO. There's a very good chance that you'll be right, but there's an equal chance that you're just going to make the situation worse. You have to remember, the boss isn't always right but he's always the boss.

Thankfully, for those of us with rank, there are plenty of ways to catch people out. Sure, you might quote the book at me but I can just turn to conduct unbecoming or get you with the service test. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

That's if I was a douche. Luckily, I'm cool as...

Contact. Wait out. #46. Digits.

 

Contact. Wait out. #46. Digits.

Oh, the joys of weapon cleaning. I once spent a good half of a day at Catterick cleaning my SA80 after an exercise. Every time a soldier went up to the DS and asked if their weapon was clean, they'd get sent back because it was dirty. All the time we were bent over our rifles, the DS were switching in and out as they went back to their blocks or homes to get showered. The lads noticed and they weren't impressed.

I quickly figured out that they had a set period of time to get the weapons done, and we didn't have anything better to do, so we weren't going anywhere until they were ready to let us. That meant that nobody's weapon was going to be clean even if it was spotless.

This cartoon refers to a part of the weapon that is notoriously difficult to get right. The breach, sometimes referred to as the cat's ar**hole or the monkey's ar**hole, just can't be dealt with with anything in the cleaning kit. You can only get a tiny bit of your pinky finger in and it can only go in at one angle. If the DS or armourer wants to, they can get carbon out of there every single time they try. It is especially difficult to clean if you have thick fingers. Most of the people inspecting your weapon will have tiny fingers. Of course they do, that's standard.

I hope the armourers don't get butt hurt. I'm only playing.

Contact. Wait out. #45. MATT 5.

 

 Contact. Wait out. #45. MATT 5.

We all love a good bit of abuse from a senior. Just as long as it isn't directed at us of course. I wonder if all the good Warrant Officers have to go on a course that instructs them on how to spit creative lines of vicious comedy at junior ranks. I'm sure that many of you have heard some real blinders.

I once heard a WO2 say to a young private soldier "You're so ugly, I'll bet that when you cry, the tears run down your back." It was pure genius. There have been countless occasions when I've had to stifle a giggle on parade.

Another, quite famous one, is when the guy sees that you need a haircut and says "Am I hurting your hair private? Well I should be. I'm bloody standing on it!"

I'd love to hear some of the British Army's best lines. The lad in the sketch is getting the good news but you have to admire him for letting them get to ally proportions. Also, check out the grin on the Lance Jack's face.

There is a great Facebook Group that has some superb American Examples. Head on over to Awesome Sh*t My Drill Sergeant Says. Those guys have some great stories and they've even released a book.