25 Signs That You May Have Joined The RMP

Your world is full of people that won’t look you in the eye. You’re starting to sprout hair and you have a fondness for long, phallic, yellow fruit. Is there something they forgot to tell you in the careers office? Somewhere in the back of your mind you’re starting to wonder if you’re even popular. Don’t worry. It may all be just a bad dream. Simply check against this list and determine whether you have been duped into joining the Royal Military Police.

If you can spend a whole day cutting around camp and have nobody speak to you, you may have joined the RMP.

If God gave you a bright red beret, so that normal people can spot it, and get a head start at avoiding you, you may have joined the RMP.

If you look forward to a long civilian police career of picking retired squaddies out of shop doorways at Christmas time, you may have joined the RMP.

If scored highly on your BARB/Airman test, but still don’t have the common sense to wire a plug correctly, you may have joined the RMP.

If you go to work in the morning, excited about using your detective work to find out who stole who’s push bike, you may have joined the RMP.

If MPGS or SBA Police are better respected and better armed than you are, you may have joined the RMP.

If you often find yourself drinking in bars alone, and eating in cook houses alone, and enjoying common areas alone, you may have joined the RMP.

If you spend all your time on general police duties, just dreaming of the day that you can apply for a close protection course, you may have joined the RMP.

If you are jealous about how infantry soldiers are getting all the Gucci CP jobs anyway, you may have joined the RMP.

If you secretly look forward to the moment that you can arrest a member of a rival service, you may have joined the RMP.

If you use your red beret as an excuse to slide on up to pads wives, after their other halves have battered them, you may have joined the RMP.

If you go home after a long day of paperwork, on camp speeding vigilance, and bicycle theft, and batter your other half, you may have joined the RMP.

If you specialised in the SIB, but spend most of your time interviewing lesbians in the RLC about how they’ve been raped by the lads, you may have joined the RMP.

If you have started to develop hair all over your body, your ears have begun to grow to 5 times their normal size, you seem to enjoy swinging through the trees, and you now have a tail, you may have joined the RMP.

If you are allowed to handle and process PWs, but are not actually allowed to interview them, you may have joined the RMP.

If you live in constant fear that your next posting will be JSPSU Falklands, you may have joined the RMP.

If you have very little awareness about just how much you are hated by the rest of the military, you may have joined the RMP.

If you face adversity in your job, and feel as though you need to talk in overly legalistic terms instead of developing a rapport with somebody in order to resolve an issue, you may have joined the RMP.

If you have an instinctive distrust of Jocks, Geordies, Cockneys, Scousers, Mancunians, and the infantry, you may have joined the RMP.

If personality tests determine that you would be an ideal referee/traffic warden/call centre operative/debt collector/door supervisor, you may have joined the RMP.

If you have ever been pointed in the direction of the bananas in the cook house, you may have joined the RMP.

If you spend whole mornings sitting just down the road from the main gates, zapping your own peers with a speed camera, you may have joined the RMP.

If any service person in dire straits would rather go for a real copper for help, you may have joined the RMP.

If have become adept at preparing “creative” evidence for court martials, you may have joined the RMP.

If your high psychometric, numeracy, literacy, and trade specific training courses have given you enough savvy to realise that this list is tongue in cheek, you may have joined the RMP.