Contact. Wait out. #71. Spiked.

Contact. Wait out. #71. Spiked.

There's no story for this one. Just a friendly reminder. Keep your eyes open when you're out on the town. Don't leave your drink unattended, and remember, the CDT team always drop in unannounced.

Contact. Wait out. #69. That One Guy

Contact. Wait out. #69. That One Guy

If you were ever dumb enough to lose your beret before forming up, you'll know all about this. You'd be that one guy. If you haven't you'll have more than likely seen it at some point.

You simply can't go on parade without your beret on. Those that have lost it, and have their helmet nearby, would have to put their helmet on. It makes sense. However, if you were that unlucky fellow wearing your helmet, while everyone else was wearing the correct head dress, you'd stick out like a sore thumb. Everyone else would know that you'd messed up and so would the senior NCOs and Officers.

Thankfully, I never have. It still makes me giggle when I pass a formed up group of soldiers and see it.

Contact. Wait out. #67. Nav Ex.

Contact. Wait out. #67. Nav Ex.

If you haven't seen soldiers, in and around camp, playing Pokémon Go, you're not looking hard enough. I was recently walking along the coast and nearly everybody that I saw was playing the game. This ranged from kids all the way up to fully grown adults. People everywhere are playing it and the military is no exception.

While I was on camp, smashing a pretty laborious but essential course, there were soldiers walking around with their heads in their phones. You might think that this raised issues from the chain of command but it didn't. At one point in particular, I saw two officers, a captain and a Major, walking along looking for Pokémon. I thought to myself, "These are the leaders of men and they're playing Pokémon!"

If I'm being totally honest, I'd be playing it too but I'm too scared of losing my life to it. If you're playing it, crack on. I hope you get all the most BA monsters.

Contact. Wait out. #64. Brexit Voter Apathy.

Contact. Wait out. #64. Brexit Voter Apathy.

The day is finally upon us. Voters will determine whether we stay in the EU or leave it. I have to say that I'm glad. There has been a lot of media attention and it has left a lot of us annoyed. Those in the stay camp are really vocal about it and those in the leave camp are just as loud. Somewhere in the middle are the folk that either don't know or don't care.

There is so much noise that it is almost impossible to stay on the fence, or worse still, not vote at all. Don't let anyone know that though. Either side will beat you over the head with their opinion until you walk away or throat punch them to oblivion.

I'm not saying where I'm putting an X or even if I will. We'll just have to see how the day ends.

Contact. Wait Out. #61. Not Good Enough For Oz.

 

Contact. Wait Out. #61. Not Good Enough For Oz.

Team spirit and ethos are a huge thing in the military. Regimental ethos is something that brings us all together as a family and what makes us believe that our regiment is the best in the army. No matter what the facts say, my regiment is better than yours in every way. It is this blind faith that makes everyone come together for the common cause.

I often ask soldiers "What is the best regiment in the British Army?" I'm met with responses like "Well, it has to be the SAS." or "The Parachute regiment is probably the best." I always come back with the statement that their regiment is the best. Sure, the SAS are the best at black ops type soldiering, and the Paras are the best at jumping out of perfectly serviceable aeroplanes, but if you don't believe that your own regiment is the best in the army, why are you in it? If you see that there are flaws that lead you believe that it isn't worthy of carrying that title, change it.

If you're safe in the knowledge that your group of misfits out-does all of the others, then you can enjoy all of the inter regimental rivalry and banter. There is a lot of it too. Certain regiments get more than their fair share of crap from other regiments, but at the end of the day, we all have our own jobs and responsibilities. We're all needed, and we all have a specific and challenging job to do.

But not the Mercians... no, only kidding.

Contact. Wait out. #60. Liberties II.

Contact. Wait out. #60. Liberties II.

With all the social media outlets dealing with military issues, it is easy for people to jump on the bandwagon when it comes to military matters. That's usually a good thing as it allows the general public, and those affiliated with the military in some way, to get a feel for what is going on. Understanding can only breed support.

The trouble is that it also attracts dreamers and walts. The kind of people that feel that because they know what's happening in our world, they can comment on things in the same way that we would. We may have rivalries between cap badges, we may have issues with certain parts of the job, we may even have problems with certain personalities within the services, but that doesn't mean that anyone can sound off about it. We're a close knit group that is bonded by shared experience and hardships. If somebody hasn't been through that with us, they don't have a right to comment. Sure, they can show understanding and sympathy, but let's not have anyone trying to kid on that they know where we're coming from.

That being said, we still love the support we get. 99% of the folks that follow our armed forces make us want to serve. Even the complete creatures that we watch on Jezza. Hmm, maybe not them.

Contact. Wait out. #59. 24 Hour Guard.

Contact. Wait out. #59. 24 Hour Guard.

You've got to love 24 hour guard. Especially when you do it with the same group of lads. We all talk about shared hardships bringing us together in the military and that doesn't just mean being shot at. The gruelling experience that is 24 hour guard is one of those hardships. The format various from camp to camp. Guardrooms can be right next to the gate or a short walk away from it. Whatever the setup, it is long, it is boring, and you feel like you've done something wrong in your life when you're stagging on at half four in the morning. Stag, or guard, or whatever you want to call it, is one of military life's most depressing assignments.

The day time element is usually manageable. It is light, we're awake, and there is usually a bit to talk about. It is the night part of it that sucks. The chances are that you're going to be tired and annoyed. You've talked to the guy next to you for hours already and you just want to crawl into your pit and sleep.

I was always notoriously hard to deal with in the small hours. My patience was very thin. I have a very low BS threshold so any kind of pointless small talk or crap chat would snap me. It was always best to leave me alone until I warmed up. It wouldn't be abnormal for me to sit there for at least an hour without saying a word. I never did  it to be a dick, I just needed some me time before beginning to cope with the world.

So, the next time you see a service person manning a gate or working in a guardroom, just give them a little leeway. They're probably at their wits end. Oh, and if you're serving and you see your muckers on stag, don't forget to give them grief.

Contact. Wait out. #58. Movie Night.

Contact. Wait out. #58. Movie Night.

Any serving member of the armed forces, or any veteran for that matter, will relate to this. We simply can't sit and enjoy a movie that has a military aspect without picking holes in it. It is very rare for me to be so engrossed in a movie that I don't notice things that don't work or that look wrong.

I recently sat through Platoon and it was spoiled when I noticed that the link for the M60 was all blank. I mean, they zoomed in on it for crying out loud. Where was the military advisor telling Oliver Stone what he should and shouldn't be leaving on the cutting room floor? In fact, Oliver Stone was a salty Vietnam veteran. He should have been all over this himself. Come on Olly.

Any type of military movie without a superb advisor gets relegated to the B Movie category for me when I see these unforgivable transgressions. Even Blackhawk Down has been spoiled by some questionable close-ups. Don't even get me started on TV. Take a look at this monstrosity!

What the actual F**k! The poor actress is doing her best to play a part that she's been given but she is instantly made ridiculous by the ineptitude of the advisor or lack thereof. If she was in, she'd get rifted for the beret, for starters, and the top collar button done up is just asking for some special attention.

If there are any film makers out there that want their work to be taken seriously, get some military in. We'll square you away and make sure that your work isn't a complete shower.

Contact. Wait out. #57. Cutbacks.

Contact. Wait out. #57. Cutbacks.

The current murmurings from the lads centres around the non-issue of daysacks. If you follow some of the popular Facebook groups, you'll be aware of the difficulties that some soldiers are having. Now, while I do believe that the army should issue a soldier with everything that they need to do the job, I'm also well aware that we do our absolute best to wear as much non issue kit as we can get away with. We're quite happy to go out and buy a pair of £150 boots, and many soldiers have already bought their own gucci daysacks.

The trouble seems to be that guys are being sent places where extra kit is needed and they are being told that they have to buy it themselves. There is no choice, it is either buy it or else. That's a fundamental problem right there. Sure, we have a laugh and a giggle but surely a private soldier can't be expected to pay more than 10% of his monthly wage on equipment for work. You wouldn't ask a soldier to buy his own rifle.

11 Things People Say to Soldiers

There are plenty of bone questions that people in all jobs get asked. We get some really special ones. Unfortunately, it isn't acceptable for  British soldiers to throat punch members of the public. Shame really. Some of these deserve it.

Have you ever killed anybody?
Of all the things that a soldier gets asked, this has to be the most common. There are a couple of standard responses that are reeled off, over and over, but the message doesn’t seem to filter through to the rest of the population.
First, it is rude to ask somebody that question.
Second, if a soldier has, they probably don’t want to talk to a complete stranger about it.

I’ve got a mate in the army. Do you know him?
Despite what is going on with all the redundancies, the army isn’t so small that we all know each other. There are still around 100,000 soldiers serving, and that is equivalent to a city the size of Carlisle, so the chances are that we haven’t heard of your friend. What’s more, the chances of us knowing which Smudge or Jonah you’re talking about is even slimmer. Every Smith and Jones shares those nicknames.

Have you been to Afghanistan?
Funnily enough, not every soldier in the British Army has been to Afghanistan. Many have, and a large majority of them have earned their medals, but there are plenty of other jobs that soldiers do. Britain has a presence in Northern Ireland, Germany, The Balkans, Georgia, Gibraltar, Cyprus, Iraq, Ethiopia, Kenya, Sierra Leone, Liberia, Nigeria, South Africa, Brunei, and the Falklands, need I go on?
Soldiers serving in these places are performing serious, essential, and often-times dangerous work that goes towards protecting our country’s interests. When Afghan finally comes to an end, we will continue to work all over the world.

Isn’t the army all about getting shouted at and beaten up by your superiors?
There is a lot of robust training in the British Army but the days of Corporals and Sergeants physically abusing people have long gone. I have seen some tough love but I can honestly say that I’ve never seen somebody getting punched or kicked as a form of unsanctioned punishment. That would constitute an abuse of power and possibly bullying. We have a strict approach to both of these things and we don’t stand for it anymore. If you’ve seen a lot of instances of this kind of treatment in the media, doesn’t that mean that we’re cleaning house?

Have you fired the P90/G36/G3/M16/M249/M4A1 etc?
This question inevitably comes from the Call of Duty fan club members. In the minds of the spotty, smelly, teenage boy youth of today, all soldiers are capable of sprinting everywhere, doing full CQB with a full pack, all the while carrying every weapon under the sun. The chances are that these youngsters have heard of more weapon types than your average soldier. After all, we don’t have the benefit of fighting as members of all the world’s various armies. If you’re wondering kids, kit is heavy, ammunition is heavy too, and if you fire it, you have to clean it. The less we have to carry, the better.

Doesn’t the army just use you and then spit you out?
I can’t speak for anybody but myself. In my career, I’ve kept the balance of crap jobs and good jobs pretty even. There have been times that I have felt like I haven’t been treated well but there are many employers in Civvy Street that will treat you a whole lot worse. In the army, there is a really good welfare system, a tried and tested redress route, comprehensive rehabilitation from injury system, lots of paid leave, plenty of in-work benefits, a close knit family environment, and lots of other things that make the job worthwhile. Like I said, I can’t speak for everyone. Life can throw some curve balls. We all react in different ways.

Aren’t you really poorly equipped?
The army provides their soldiers with all the necessary kit and equipment that is required for the job at hand. There have been some occasions where the army has got it wrong, but those occasions are a lot less frequent nowadays. What you get given is tested to a point where the MOD can say that it is sufficient. That doesn’t necessarily mean that it is the best you can get. Many soldiers supplement their issued kit with stuff that they have bought themselves. We are a long way from where we were before Afghan, and there is still a long way to go, but most of the things we buy for ourselves we could probably survive without.

Aren’t you all womanizing misogynists?
There are women serving in the army and they do their jobs just like the men do. There are still some roles that women can’t undertake but that is down to government policy. The job is seen as a masculine one but that isn’t really the case. Certain roles require a bit more finesse and others require a bit of muscle. It really comes down to deciding who the best person for the job is. The lads train hard and play hard but so do nurses. The British Army is such a large and diverse organisation that it is a naturally a mirror of society in general. If there are lads in Civvy Street, there will be lads in the army.

Isn’t the army full of racists?
Despite organizations like the English Defense League and the British National Party using ex soldiers to promote their messages, the British Army is really not a racist organisation. In fact, the British Army is amazingly ethnically diverse due to the amount of foreign and commonwealth soldiers that serve. If the army was racist, it wouldn’t function. Equality and diversity is a major part of our values and standards and the attitudes that we have to the people that we work with are much more forward thinking than those held many civilians. If you can do the job, and are a good team member, you’re ok. Race doesn’t come into it.

Don’t you beat up gays?
I’ve been asked this question a few times and it really gets me angry. Perhaps the army of old did things like that  but in this day and age, such bigoted behavior has no place in society, and if the army is going to tell the world that it is the best, it needs to be the best in all aspects. Just like race, somebody’s sexual orientation has nothing to do with the job. There is no discussion needed. Zero tolerance on bullying and harassment, just get the job done.

Aren’t you stupid if you joined the army?
Maybe 100 years ago but not now. The army is no longer a career of last resort. Many people are looking towards the armed forces because of job security and academic progression. The army offers soldiers the opportunity to gain recognized qualifications that will benefit them when they enter the civilian job market. Civilian employers also benefit by employing service leavers because soldiers, sailors, and airmen have a work ethic and a value systems that often outperforms their civilian competition.

25 Ways You Can Be Jack

The military is well known for all the acronyms, mnemonics, abbreviations, and the slang that it uses. The chances are that if you come across soldiers, sailors, or airmen chatting, you might not understand every word that they use. One prime example is the army’s use of the word “Jack”. It is a word that can be heard every day, on every British Army base in the world. Its meaning is universal, and if it is used in all seriousness, it is a major insult.

If you’re Jack, you’re lazy, you’re not a team player, you’re a shirker, you’re out for yourself, you’re selfish, and you’re going to get the brunt of almost every unpleasant insult in the book. It isn’t a nice thing to be called at all. Nobody wants to be thought of as being Jack. Of course, the army is a little odd when it comes to such terms. Jack is often used as a term of banter.

Confused? To put it into simpler terms, here are 25 ways you can be Jack.

If you make a brew, but don’t make anyone else a brew, that’s a Jack brew. If you do that, you’re Jack.

If block jobs are being handed out and you’ve vanished, only to return when everyone has been detailed, you’re Jack.

If your mates are loading kit onto transport, and you’re standing by with your thumb up your backside, you’re Jack.

If your fitness isn’t up to scratch, and you hop on the Biff Wagon for a ride back to camp, you’re Jack.

If you’re on a sports team, and the rest of the lads are on guard, you might be Jack.

If you knock off early, while everybody else is still working, you’re Jack.

If you sit there polishing your gas parts for an hour, while Pte. F**k-Knuckles is nursing a gopping rifle, you’re Jack.

If you’re mincing around the corridors with a clipboard with nothing on it, while everyone else is sat in some bone lesson, you’re Jack.

If you’ve got rank, and you’re first in the cookhouse queue, you’re Jack.

If you’ve got a lot of rank, and you’re not last in the cookhouse queue, you’re Jack.

If your mates are on some minging gate stag, and you don’t take them a brew, you’re Jack.

If your Platoon Commander gives the lads the option do ditch their webbing while cutting around the harbour area, and you tell him they should be in full kit at all times, you’re Jack.

If you’re reading all these examples, and you think they’re all reasonable things to do, you’re Jack.

If “what happens on tour, stays on tour” doesn’t, because you can’t keep your mouth shut, you’re Jack.

If you somehow manage to get out of stagging on, for any non-legitimate reason, you’re Jack.

If you personally get given a job, and you go and spam somebody else with it because you can’t be bothered, you’re Jack.

If you walk into the block, at any time, having bought only yourself a McDonald’s, you’re Jack.

If you stitch up your mates, in any way, shape, or form, you’re Jack.

If a job needs doing, and volunteers have been asked for but you sit on you fat backside, you’re Jack.

If you’re on a freezing cold exercise, and you’re in a wagon with the heating up high, you’re Jack.

If they’re giving out Gucci kit, and you disappear it all into your own kit without sharing, you’re Jack.

If you sit there and watch somebody getting bullied, whether you like them or not, you’re Jack.

If you grass your mates up for something, when you could have dealt with it yourself, you’re Jack.

If you’ve ever pointed at your rank slide to win an argument, or uttered the words “Rock, Paper, Rank Slide”, you’re Jack.

If everybody is at the O group, and you’re still in your scratcher getting your gonk on, you’re probably Jack.

Feel free to add your own. Sharing is caring and I’m sure you have some great examples.

25 Signs That You May Have Joined The RAF Regiment

Banter turned up to max in this 25 signs article. The elite RAF Regt get a lot of stick, and when they throw their teddies out of the pram,  it just makes it worse. Sure, they provide a valuable service. They allow the army to go and engage the enemy safe in the knowledge that the rear is secure. Good old boys.

If you heard the term “Rock Ape”, and thought it was something cool, but subsequently realised it was derogatory, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If wearing Wedgewood blue to work just isn’t manly enough for you, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If, at the end of your Airman Selection Test, your careers adviser gave you the choice of Gunner or Gunner, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If every other person, in a different job role within your service, and every other service, in every other military, thinks that you are at the bottom of the food chain, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you spend most of your time guarding the cookhouse/NAAFI/crash gates but are still outranked by the MPGS, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you never venture more than a stone’s throw from the confines of your base, except when supporting SAS/Spetz Naz/SEAL Team 6/The Thunderbirds/Flash Gordon/My Little Pony, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you insist that the RAF Regiment is part of the Big 3, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you haven’t realised that the Big 3 is the pre-Afghan T.A., pre-pubescent ACF, and the presumptuous RAF Regiment, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you find that you do your job and get virtually no recognition from the media, other services, or even your own service, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you find that everyone else in your service looks better than you do in uniform, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you feel as though you’re valued even less than an armourer, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If your operational environment consists of sangar, gate, patrol, sangar, gate, patrol, sangar, gate, patrol, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you think that you are infantry trained, but have never been to any British military establishment starting with “IBS”, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you are painfully waiting for this list to refer to some viral video containing the words “toe to toe”, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If your idea of food on exercise is McDonald’s, Burger King, or KFC, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you find yourself staring at pilots, airmen, and engineers, and wiping a tear away at the thought of what might have been, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you suddenly notice that your shiny WMIK looks like it was just out of the wrapper, even though it has been in Kandahar for 10 years, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you consider yourself to be an “elite” fighting force, but couldn’t fight your way out of a garden party full of old ladies, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you do almost identical training to most army infantry regiments, and generally have a higher IQ, but never get the same respect, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you enjoy gassing other members of your service, because they are obese, they are self important, and they earn more than you, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you think that having attachments for your SA80 makes you feel like a real soldier, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you can drink most army units under the table, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you find yourself to be the cause for the world’s supply of banter on forum sites and Facebook groups, but never actually get involved in it for fear of losing face, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you look at your MTP uniformed body in the mirror, and secretly wonder why you never had the balls to join the Girl Guides, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

If you can stand toe to toe with the Marines and the Paras, because you too, have completed the Five Miler of Death, you may have joined the RAF Regiment.

Contact. Wait out. #55. NEM.

Contact. Wait out. #55. NEM.

The New Emplyment Model is coming soon and you should have seen the literature or had a brief on it by now. If you haven't then youneed to be asking some questions of your chain of command. There are some big changes.

The main thing that I got from the new information is that the Army Air Corps pilots are going to be the highest paid trade in the army. Well, we can't argue with that can we? They fly helicopters. I'm going to be a bit further down the pecking order but not as far down as the poor old RLC.

We'll all know this new pay scheme inside out in a couple of years. Just in time for them to announce that they're going to change it again no doubt. Anyway, #CWO55 is about the RLC trying to convince the Regimental Admin Officer department that they're pilots. Sorry to pick on you guys again. We Shitstain! ;)

Contact. Wait out. #54. Top Specs.

Contact. Wait out. #54. Top Specs.

I was told that if this thing flips, the gunner either jumps out or does a starfish and holds on for dear life. Either way, he's going to be leaking brown adrenaline. I did like the sound of getting to use the HMG and ripping the world to pieces but maybe not from a Jackal. Add to that the lack of a roof when it is raining and I'm kind of glad that I'm dismounted. Anyone got their tactical umbrella?

On a different note, I'm struggling a little with the Wacom pen that I use to draw with. I don't feel as though I have as much control as I would with a real pen and paper. This means that I'm constantly going back and redoing a lot of my stuff and even then it doesn't seem to turn out as I'd like. I'm thinking of buying a better bit of tech but it is a lot of money. Don't worry though, eventually I'll get there.

Contact. Wait out. #53. Issue Boots.

Contact. Wait out. #53. Issue Boots.

It seems very evident that some people really get on well with the issue boots. It has always been this way. There are some lucky folks with feet made of steel. For the rest of us, issue boots can be almost unbearable. I don't want to go into too much detail as to why I hate my boots because you can see that on the Facebook page but let it be understood that the best pair of boots I ever wore for work were not given to me through the system.

I remember when the poster came around offering us a choice of several different styles and types. It was as if we would get to choose the boot that most suited us. Of course, that was wishful thinking and I should have known better. Of the 12 or so styles, advertised internally, I think I've seen two. Seriously, why on earth would the army let me choose which boots I wanted to wear? That makes way too much sense.

Anyway, this strip is for all those people that have been crippled by wearing issued boots. Enjoy.

Contact. Wait out. Quiz. Walt Checker!

Want to figure out if somebody that you know is a Walt? Maybe you're a Walt and you don't realise it. Use the Walt Check 5000 to find out the truth.

Please note that the quiz may take a few seconds to load...

Don't forget to share.

Quiz! How Many F**Ks Were Given?

Here's a bit of fun. Take the quiz and find out just how many f**ks you really give. You reckon you are a cool cat or a stinking hippy? Well, this will let you know.

Please note that the quiz may take a few seconds to load...

Don't forget to share.

Contact. Wait Out. #50. Commonwealth II.

Contact. Wait Out. #50. Commonwealth II.

I was working away one time and we had a few commonwealth soldiers with us. The Gurkhas were an interesting bunch, they once sat in on a quiz that was full of deep British culture, and they attempted to answer the questions even though they had no idea what was going on. I was impressed by their willingness to get involved for a laugh.

The Fijians were a rowdy bunch that tended to keep to themselves. In a similar story to that in the sketch, I once walked into the a little common room that we all shared and asked a big Fijian if he could come and clean out some Landrovers. He just looked at me, said "No", and then went back to chatting with his mates.

I only found out after that the reason he said no was because I had pointed at him. Apparently, that is rude in their culture. Once he got to know me, he was ok, but it didn't help get the Landrovers clean that day.

There are a lot of different cultures in the British Army. So many that understanding them all would take ages, but we all still manage to get along. I believe that it is yet another reason that our army is as good as it is. Everyone brings something different to the party.

Contact. Wait out. #49. Equal Opportunities.

Contact. Wait out. #49. Equal Opportunities.

I have to give credit to Matt on this one. He was on exercise and saw some DS gripping somebody about wearing a softy top. It may have been Matt that got gripped, I don't remember, but he came out with a quality hindsight idea.

Just imagine that he'd turned super camp when the DS kicked off and come out with some amorous advances. It'd surely stop him in his tracks. I mean, what do you say if somebody comes out with something like that?

It didn't happen that way but I kind of wish that it had.

Contact. Wait out. #48. Investments.

Contact. Wait out. #48. Investments.

As many of you will be aware, I have been away for a bit, so this issue of #CWO is a bit late. I can't say I enjoyed my time on exercise but it has given me plenty of ideas for new sketches.

Anyway, this edition of "Contact. Wait out." talks about the hideous practice of swamping that is present in our armed forces, and I'd hazard to guess, almost all armed forces in the world. Swamping is when a soldier wets the bed after being out on the sauce. That is to say that he can't hold his booze and pees himself like a 5 year old child.

Thankfully, I've never been so drunk that I've done it but I have seen it a few times. Most memorable was when two colleagues of mine came in to the block drunk and spooned in their underwear. One of them woke up and stood over an innocent guy, sleeping softly, before urinating all over him. We could hear the flow and the shouting from the guy when he realised what was happening, but by the time the lights were flicked on, the offender was back to spooning.

The drunkard woke just after everyone else had got up and dressed and then started to shout at everybody because his bedding had been swamped. A mate of mine picked up his sleeping bag, soaked in urine, and slapped him round the face with it.

Later, in a huge, packed briefing room, the Commanding Officer made reference to the incident and the whole room bellowed with laughter. It was sweet.

P.S. Thanks Dave.