25 Signs You Might Be A Veteran

A veteran is classified as any person that has served for any amount of time in any uniformed service. There's more to it than that though. There is a type of person that comes out of a service once they've finished their time. The military moulds you. It makes you a thinker, a doer, a decisive individual who knows how to iron a shirt and how to polish a pair of shoes. Even those veterans that fall on hard times have it in them to step up when the need arises. Maybe you're a veteran. Maybe. Here's 25 signs that might help you figure out if you really are.

1. If you look at service personnel today, and laugh at them thinking that they're being original, you might be a veteran.

2. If you turn up everywhere early, and classify those who turn up on time as being late, you might be a veteran.

3. If you look at catalogues of military kit, and consider buying stuff only to realise you have no reason to use it, you might be a veteran.

4. If you buy kit out of military catalogues anyway, you might be a veteran.

5. If you look at hippies, emos, goths, skater boys, druggies, bums, and in fact anybody who isn't in some kind of service, and wish somebody would whip them into shape and cut their hair, you might be a veteran.

6. If you defend the armed forces at every opportunity, you might be a veteran.

7. If you have a strange fixation with firearms, you might be a veteran.

8. If you wow your friends and colleagues with suspiciously accurate knowledge of military kit and equipment, you might be a veteran.

9. If you have an opinion on military foreign policy, and tell anyone who'll listen, you might be a veteran.

10. If you can strike up a conversation with anybody you feel like, you might be a veteran.

11. If you fear no man, woman, nor beast, you might be a veteran.

12. If you can look another person right in the eye when you talk to them, you might be a veteran.

13. If you are proud of your flag and your people, no matter their race, colour, or creed, you might be a veteran.

14. If you secretly miss the toil and hardship of serving, you might be a veteran.

15. If you openly believe that you had it harder then the young military personnel of today, you might be a veteran.

16. If you secretly believe that you had it easier than the military personnel that came before you, you might be a veteran.

17. If you have outright respect for those that choose to put on a uniform and defend their country, you might be a veteran.

18. If you understand that all of the uniformed services share a common purpose and share a mutual understanding of duty, you might be a veteran.

19. If you rip the other services apart for being fat, lazy, homosexual, stupid, bone headed, privileged, overpaid, etc, but would be honoured to fight side by side with them again, you might be a veteran.

20. If you gave a period of your life to something bigger than the sum of its parts, you might be a veteran.

21. If you ever referred to yourself by your last name, or simply a number, you might be a veteran.

22. If you have many friends from the far reaches of the country, you might be a veteran.

23. If you ever stood on a gate, in the rain, and questioned your life choices, you might be a veteran.

24. If you live your life by a moral code, that few civilians understand, you might be a veteran.

25. If you have a strange relationship with alcohol, that few civilians understand, you might be a veteran.

So, there are 25 reason. Feel free to add your own. What do you think makes a veteran?

Contact. Wait Out. # 70. Feedback.

Contact. Wait Out. # 70. Feedback.

This actually happened to me the other day. I was working and two officers came up, in civilian clothes, and started chatting away to me. At first, I wasn't sure who they were exactly. It didn't take them long to tell me though. They got their bit out of the way and then asked me how I thought things were going and how I would change my particular aspect of the job.

As I was talking, I could see the Colonel's attention drifting off. He even folded his arms. I figured I was getting nowhere, so I stopped. That's when he hit me with it. He chinned me right off there and then. He told me I was moaning and that I wouldn't get anywhere. Cheers.

Hey, maybe I was moaning a little bit but a wise man once told me that a moan only becomes a moan when you've raised a valid point several times and nobody has listened.

Gold isn't it. You can have that one.

Contact. Wait out. #68. Resettlement.

Contact. Wait out. #68. Resettlement.

It has been a while since I've posted a strip. I've changed jobs and there isn't much time. No excuses though. I know the old adage. Don't give me problems, give me solutions.

Anyway, I wanted to do a little themed strip about what would happen if our favourite platoon sergeant went into civvy street and how he'd manage. Obviously, we can't speak to civilians the way we speak to each other. I often think of some of the choppers that I've had to work with in the past and imagine them struggling to adjust. I just hope that I'll be fine when I inevitably end up working with real people.

I've always said that I don't ever want a real job.

Contact. Wait out. #67. Nav Ex.

Contact. Wait out. #67. Nav Ex.

If you haven't seen soldiers, in and around camp, playing Pokémon Go, you're not looking hard enough. I was recently walking along the coast and nearly everybody that I saw was playing the game. This ranged from kids all the way up to fully grown adults. People everywhere are playing it and the military is no exception.

While I was on camp, smashing a pretty laborious but essential course, there were soldiers walking around with their heads in their phones. You might think that this raised issues from the chain of command but it didn't. At one point in particular, I saw two officers, a captain and a Major, walking along looking for Pokémon. I thought to myself, "These are the leaders of men and they're playing Pokémon!"

If I'm being totally honest, I'd be playing it too but I'm too scared of losing my life to it. If you're playing it, crack on. I hope you get all the most BA monsters.

Contact. Wait Out. #61. Not Good Enough For Oz.

 

Contact. Wait Out. #61. Not Good Enough For Oz.

Team spirit and ethos are a huge thing in the military. Regimental ethos is something that brings us all together as a family and what makes us believe that our regiment is the best in the army. No matter what the facts say, my regiment is better than yours in every way. It is this blind faith that makes everyone come together for the common cause.

I often ask soldiers "What is the best regiment in the British Army?" I'm met with responses like "Well, it has to be the SAS." or "The Parachute regiment is probably the best." I always come back with the statement that their regiment is the best. Sure, the SAS are the best at black ops type soldiering, and the Paras are the best at jumping out of perfectly serviceable aeroplanes, but if you don't believe that your own regiment is the best in the army, why are you in it? If you see that there are flaws that lead you believe that it isn't worthy of carrying that title, change it.

If you're safe in the knowledge that your group of misfits out-does all of the others, then you can enjoy all of the inter regimental rivalry and banter. There is a lot of it too. Certain regiments get more than their fair share of crap from other regiments, but at the end of the day, we all have our own jobs and responsibilities. We're all needed, and we all have a specific and challenging job to do.

But not the Mercians... no, only kidding.

Contact. Wait out. #57. Cutbacks.

Contact. Wait out. #57. Cutbacks.

The current murmurings from the lads centres around the non-issue of daysacks. If you follow some of the popular Facebook groups, you'll be aware of the difficulties that some soldiers are having. Now, while I do believe that the army should issue a soldier with everything that they need to do the job, I'm also well aware that we do our absolute best to wear as much non issue kit as we can get away with. We're quite happy to go out and buy a pair of £150 boots, and many soldiers have already bought their own gucci daysacks.

The trouble seems to be that guys are being sent places where extra kit is needed and they are being told that they have to buy it themselves. There is no choice, it is either buy it or else. That's a fundamental problem right there. Sure, we have a laugh and a giggle but surely a private soldier can't be expected to pay more than 10% of his monthly wage on equipment for work. You wouldn't ask a soldier to buy his own rifle.

25 Ways You Can Be Jack

The military is well known for all the acronyms, mnemonics, abbreviations, and the slang that it uses. The chances are that if you come across soldiers, sailors, or airmen chatting, you might not understand every word that they use. One prime example is the army’s use of the word “Jack”. It is a word that can be heard every day, on every British Army base in the world. Its meaning is universal, and if it is used in all seriousness, it is a major insult.

If you’re Jack, you’re lazy, you’re not a team player, you’re a shirker, you’re out for yourself, you’re selfish, and you’re going to get the brunt of almost every unpleasant insult in the book. It isn’t a nice thing to be called at all. Nobody wants to be thought of as being Jack. Of course, the army is a little odd when it comes to such terms. Jack is often used as a term of banter.

Confused? To put it into simpler terms, here are 25 ways you can be Jack.

If you make a brew, but don’t make anyone else a brew, that’s a Jack brew. If you do that, you’re Jack.

If block jobs are being handed out and you’ve vanished, only to return when everyone has been detailed, you’re Jack.

If your mates are loading kit onto transport, and you’re standing by with your thumb up your backside, you’re Jack.

If your fitness isn’t up to scratch, and you hop on the Biff Wagon for a ride back to camp, you’re Jack.

If you’re on a sports team, and the rest of the lads are on guard, you might be Jack.

If you knock off early, while everybody else is still working, you’re Jack.

If you sit there polishing your gas parts for an hour, while Pte. F**k-Knuckles is nursing a gopping rifle, you’re Jack.

If you’re mincing around the corridors with a clipboard with nothing on it, while everyone else is sat in some bone lesson, you’re Jack.

If you’ve got rank, and you’re first in the cookhouse queue, you’re Jack.

If you’ve got a lot of rank, and you’re not last in the cookhouse queue, you’re Jack.

If your mates are on some minging gate stag, and you don’t take them a brew, you’re Jack.

If your Platoon Commander gives the lads the option do ditch their webbing while cutting around the harbour area, and you tell him they should be in full kit at all times, you’re Jack.

If you’re reading all these examples, and you think they’re all reasonable things to do, you’re Jack.

If “what happens on tour, stays on tour” doesn’t, because you can’t keep your mouth shut, you’re Jack.

If you somehow manage to get out of stagging on, for any non-legitimate reason, you’re Jack.

If you personally get given a job, and you go and spam somebody else with it because you can’t be bothered, you’re Jack.

If you walk into the block, at any time, having bought only yourself a McDonald’s, you’re Jack.

If you stitch up your mates, in any way, shape, or form, you’re Jack.

If a job needs doing, and volunteers have been asked for but you sit on you fat backside, you’re Jack.

If you’re on a freezing cold exercise, and you’re in a wagon with the heating up high, you’re Jack.

If they’re giving out Gucci kit, and you disappear it all into your own kit without sharing, you’re Jack.

If you sit there and watch somebody getting bullied, whether you like them or not, you’re Jack.

If you grass your mates up for something, when you could have dealt with it yourself, you’re Jack.

If you’ve ever pointed at your rank slide to win an argument, or uttered the words “Rock, Paper, Rank Slide”, you’re Jack.

If everybody is at the O group, and you’re still in your scratcher getting your gonk on, you’re probably Jack.

Feel free to add your own. Sharing is caring and I’m sure you have some great examples.

25 Signs That You May Have Joined The Infantry

If you ever find yourself staring into space, and wondering where it all went wrong, you might want to think back to the day that you walked into the careers office. There is a good chance that the friendly staff that greeted you had plans other than those you had for yourself. After explaining all the different roles within the British Army, you were probably confused, and they could well have tricked you into making a dodgy choice. Not to worry. Just read through the following 25 points and figure out if you are in the infantry or if you have simply ended up being sectioned under the mental health act.

If you constantly feel the need to show people how much of a man you are, you may have joined the infantry.

If the thought of taking orders from a woman makes you come out in a cold sweat, you may have joined the infantry.

If you believe you are “The Best”, but speak in monosyllabic sentences, and have trouble spelling multisyllabic words, you may have joined the infantry.

If you have no idea what the previous point means, you may have joined the infantry.

If you find that you are carrying more weight than everybody else, and none of the equipment actually belongs to you, you may have joined the infantry.

If you find that you have an inability to point at somebody without doing a chopping motion, you may have joined the infantry.

If you have carnal knowledge of exactly the same women as 90% of the men that you work with, you may have joined the infantry.

If said women are barely recognisable as women, but you freely admit to carnal knowledge anyway, you may have joined the infantry.

If you have come into physical contact with more than one other man’s urine on a party night, you may have joined the infantry.

If you refer to anybody more academically advanced then you as either a “Sir”, or a “REMF”, or a "POG", you may have joined the infantry.

If you have problems with the sentence “Yes Ma’am.” Or “No Ma’am.”, you may have joined the infantry.

If you find yourself moaning about absolutely everything, even things that are completely out of your control, you may have joined the infantry.

If you believe that calling anybody with sergeant stripes and a crown “Colour”, just in case, is an invaluable survival tool, you may have joined the infantry.

If you are on exercise, and find that you have no room for a flask of "cofftea" in your webbing because of hand grenades and smoke grenades, you may have joined the infantry.

If you still believe that you are “The Best”, despite the previous 14 points, you may have joined the infantry.

If your careers advisor looked at your ASVAB or BARB test score, and suggested infantry or infantry, you may have joined the infantry.

If you look at other cap badges’ career courses, and kid yourself that yours are harder because of more beasting or hazing, you may have joined the infantry.

If you wish that your career courses were as easy as other cap badges’, due to less beasting or hazing, you may have joined the infantry.

If you find yourself following the “Fight Light” principle, by carrying less of your own stuff and more of the army’s, you may have joined the infantry.

If you overtly believe that POG/REMF Lance Corporals and Corporals are only equivalent to infantry Toms and Senior Toms, you may have joined the infantry.

If a luxury item on exercise, for you, is something like a Jet Boil or a second bag of Haribo, you may have joined the infantry.

If sole mission on ops is to break the rules of shaving, dress, and to abuse the REMF chain of command, you may have joined the infantry.

If you have trouble maintaining solid, working relationships with partners and family members, because of your drink problem, you may have joined the infantry.

If you like to tell anybody, that will listen, just how much you hate every other corps regiment in the British Army; you may have joined the infantry.

If you secretly wish that you could transfer to any other corps regiment in the British Army, you may have joined the infantry.

Contact. Wait out. #56. Options.

Contact. Wait out. #56. Options.

There is a lot of talk at the moment about the quality of food provided by a certain company affiliated with the army. The famous cheese sandwich picture has been matched by a ham sandwich one and people are going crazy with petitions and complaints. Now, I can't say that I've never eaten a rancid meal in one of these establishments and I can't say that I haven't been so disappointed with the offerings that I've chosen to skip a meal. That being said, I do find it funny how people will bitch and complain about the food but then load their plates up with the stuff and then sit in front of me and destroy it.

Funniest of all are the folks that complain about all the greasy, fatty food but then guzzle it down regardless. I'm guilty of that myself. I love chips, so if they're on offer I will always choose them. Got to get those deep fried potatoes. I'm just crushed if I start to eat them and find that they're soggy and undercooked. Unfortunately, that happens all too often.

Contact. Wait out. #55. NEM.

Contact. Wait out. #55. NEM.

The New Emplyment Model is coming soon and you should have seen the literature or had a brief on it by now. If you haven't then youneed to be asking some questions of your chain of command. There are some big changes.

The main thing that I got from the new information is that the Army Air Corps pilots are going to be the highest paid trade in the army. Well, we can't argue with that can we? They fly helicopters. I'm going to be a bit further down the pecking order but not as far down as the poor old RLC.

We'll all know this new pay scheme inside out in a couple of years. Just in time for them to announce that they're going to change it again no doubt. Anyway, #CWO55 is about the RLC trying to convince the Regimental Admin Officer department that they're pilots. Sorry to pick on you guys again. We Shitstain! ;)

Contact. Wait out. #54. Top Specs.

Contact. Wait out. #54. Top Specs.

I was told that if this thing flips, the gunner either jumps out or does a starfish and holds on for dear life. Either way, he's going to be leaking brown adrenaline. I did like the sound of getting to use the HMG and ripping the world to pieces but maybe not from a Jackal. Add to that the lack of a roof when it is raining and I'm kind of glad that I'm dismounted. Anyone got their tactical umbrella?

On a different note, I'm struggling a little with the Wacom pen that I use to draw with. I don't feel as though I have as much control as I would with a real pen and paper. This means that I'm constantly going back and redoing a lot of my stuff and even then it doesn't seem to turn out as I'd like. I'm thinking of buying a better bit of tech but it is a lot of money. Don't worry though, eventually I'll get there.

Contact. Wait out. #53. Issue Boots.

Contact. Wait out. #53. Issue Boots.

It seems very evident that some people really get on well with the issue boots. It has always been this way. There are some lucky folks with feet made of steel. For the rest of us, issue boots can be almost unbearable. I don't want to go into too much detail as to why I hate my boots because you can see that on the Facebook page but let it be understood that the best pair of boots I ever wore for work were not given to me through the system.

I remember when the poster came around offering us a choice of several different styles and types. It was as if we would get to choose the boot that most suited us. Of course, that was wishful thinking and I should have known better. Of the 12 or so styles, advertised internally, I think I've seen two. Seriously, why on earth would the army let me choose which boots I wanted to wear? That makes way too much sense.

Anyway, this strip is for all those people that have been crippled by wearing issued boots. Enjoy.

Contact. Wait out. Quiz. Walt Checker!

Want to figure out if somebody that you know is a Walt? Maybe you're a Walt and you don't realise it. Use the Walt Check 5000 to find out the truth.

Please note that the quiz may take a few seconds to load...

Don't forget to share.

Contact. Wait out. #48. Investments.

Contact. Wait out. #48. Investments.

As many of you will be aware, I have been away for a bit, so this issue of #CWO is a bit late. I can't say I enjoyed my time on exercise but it has given me plenty of ideas for new sketches.

Anyway, this edition of "Contact. Wait out." talks about the hideous practice of swamping that is present in our armed forces, and I'd hazard to guess, almost all armed forces in the world. Swamping is when a soldier wets the bed after being out on the sauce. That is to say that he can't hold his booze and pees himself like a 5 year old child.

Thankfully, I've never been so drunk that I've done it but I have seen it a few times. Most memorable was when two colleagues of mine came in to the block drunk and spooned in their underwear. One of them woke up and stood over an innocent guy, sleeping softly, before urinating all over him. We could hear the flow and the shouting from the guy when he realised what was happening, but by the time the lights were flicked on, the offender was back to spooning.

The drunkard woke just after everyone else had got up and dressed and then started to shout at everybody because his bedding had been swamped. A mate of mine picked up his sleeping bag, soaked in urine, and slapped him round the face with it.

Later, in a huge, packed briefing room, the Commanding Officer made reference to the incident and the whole room bellowed with laughter. It was sweet.

P.S. Thanks Dave.

Contact. Wait out. #47. Wargames.

Contact. Wait out. #47. Wargames.

Some of you may see this strip and think that there's some sort of satirical message behind it. Well, there's not. There might be a small snipe at the way military contracts are given out, and how they're crooked, but I have literally no evidence of that so forget I mentioned it.

More notable is the inclusion of fantasy figurines. I got asked to include them in some way and having Generals playing with them seemed fun. There you have it.

I'm about to go away for a bit so there'll be a gap between now and the next strip. Apologies.

Contact. Wait out. #46. Digits.

 

Contact. Wait out. #46. Digits.

Oh, the joys of weapon cleaning. I once spent a good half of a day at Catterick cleaning my SA80 after an exercise. Every time a soldier went up to the DS and asked if their weapon was clean, they'd get sent back because it was dirty. All the time we were bent over our rifles, the DS were switching in and out as they went back to their blocks or homes to get showered. The lads noticed and they weren't impressed.

I quickly figured out that they had a set period of time to get the weapons done, and we didn't have anything better to do, so we weren't going anywhere until they were ready to let us. That meant that nobody's weapon was going to be clean even if it was spotless.

This cartoon refers to a part of the weapon that is notoriously difficult to get right. The breach, sometimes referred to as the cat's ar**hole or the monkey's ar**hole, just can't be dealt with with anything in the cleaning kit. You can only get a tiny bit of your pinky finger in and it can only go in at one angle. If the DS or armourer wants to, they can get carbon out of there every single time they try. It is especially difficult to clean if you have thick fingers. Most of the people inspecting your weapon will have tiny fingers. Of course they do, that's standard.

I hope the armourers don't get butt hurt. I'm only playing.

Contact. Wait out. #45. MATT 5.

 

 Contact. Wait out. #45. MATT 5.

We all love a good bit of abuse from a senior. Just as long as it isn't directed at us of course. I wonder if all the good Warrant Officers have to go on a course that instructs them on how to spit creative lines of vicious comedy at junior ranks. I'm sure that many of you have heard some real blinders.

I once heard a WO2 say to a young private soldier "You're so ugly, I'll bet that when you cry, the tears run down your back." It was pure genius. There have been countless occasions when I've had to stifle a giggle on parade.

Another, quite famous one, is when the guy sees that you need a haircut and says "Am I hurting your hair private? Well I should be. I'm bloody standing on it!"

I'd love to hear some of the British Army's best lines. The lad in the sketch is getting the good news but you have to admire him for letting them get to ally proportions. Also, check out the grin on the Lance Jack's face.

There is a great Facebook Group that has some superb American Examples. Head on over to Awesome Sh*t My Drill Sergeant Says. Those guys have some great stories and they've even released a book.

8 Reasons Why My Wife Could Never Be A Soldier.

8 Reasons Why My Wife Could Never Be A Soldier.

On a recent camping trip I came to realise that my image of camping is completely different to that of my family. My wife wanted a whole car load of equipment whereas I'd have settled for a bergan. It got me thinking about whether she'd make it in the army. I believe that there are a number of factors that would be total deal breakers for her. Here are 8 of them.

She has no respect for authority.

I've come home from work many times and explained to my wife that I'm being sent to some back-of-beyond location to do a job that I don't particularly feel all that excited about. I've also come home and complained about some aspect of the management when crap is coming my way. Her normal reaction is to tell me to tell them that I'm not going to do it or to tell them to shove it.

“So they're sending me Stanta for a week. It'll be field conditions. I'm not looking forward to it.”

“Just tell them no.”

“It doesn't work like that sweety.”

“Well, I'd tell them to... F**k off.”

That's usually how the conversations go. I couldn't see her standing at attention in front of somebody giving her the good news. I reckon she'd get about 30 seconds into basic training before there was a monumental clash of personalities and somebody gave up. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be the army. Army 1 – Wife 0

She has no concept of timings.

We were invited to attend a pretty huge function. There were several units involved and the attendance was going to be in the thousands. I was dicked to help out with the running of said event, so I had to travel down early. Note that the travel time was around an hour and a half and the event started at 0900. The rest of the unit, and their families, were given the opportunity to take a bus that was put on by battalion.

The transport left at 0700, and I relayed this information to the wife, but she wasn't impressed. She wanted them to put back the transport timings because it was too early in the morning and she didn't want to arrive that early. I had to explain to her that the army wasn't going to change the whole day because she wanted to get a bit more sleep. She didn't ride down on the bus. My wife came down in her car a little later in the day. We'll call that compromise. Army 1 – Wife 1.

PT is never going to happen.

When motivated, and I mean really motivated, my better half will attempt some sort of fitness regime. The rest of the time it is her prerogative to do whatever the hell she wants.. Physical exercise is hard work and there simply isn't enough time in the day for that.

Unfortunately, in the army, PT is not optional. You've got it three times a week and CO's PT on a Friday. Let's not forget sports on Wednesday and that everyone is expected to get get involved with whatever fun run or crazy sponsored gym beasting that is going on. There isn't really any way to hide from fitness so my wife would either get super fit or get the hell out. Something tells me that, if she had no other choice, she'd soon get to enjoying whichever type of fitness she got into. She probably wouldn't like it at first but then who does? Army 2 – Wife 1.

She doesn't speak “Army”.

Reference Argos, come two knuckles left of that, 6 o'clock of gopping bloater, Walt chopper in the shemagh and Crye trousers. Seen?

If I said that to a fellow soldier, they'd be giving me a full debrief on the lizard that I'd just pointed out. If I said it to my wife she might get as far as Argos and then start thinking about going to look at the catalogues. Granted, there are a few phrases that she's allowed to slip into her vocabulary, but there is still a whole world of language that she'd just get annoyed at.

Can any of you imagine your partners answering the phone with “Send”, or referring to any local news agents as the NAAFI, or any cool new item of anything at all as “Gucci”? Nope, my wife does not play this game. Army 2 - Wife 2.

She doesn't understand ironing.

Gone are the days when our partners were good around the house. You'd be lucky if you have a partner that can cook. My wife readily confesses that she doesn't iron. That's probably a good thing as, like many of you, I wouldn't let her near my uniform. Remember when we had the DPM stuff that needed creases everywhere? Can you imagine giving that to somebody else to have a go on?

I can't say that I really enjoy the activity myself. It is just something that has to be done. That being said, I do take a little pride in doing it properly. The Mrs doesn't ever get the iron out. If she was in the army she'd look like a bag of you know what and that would mean trouble. Army 3 – Wife 2.

4,000 calories per day would ruin her.

That's what they say an exercising soldier needs every day. All the movement, advance to contact, section attacks, and shivering in stag positions takes it out of you. You need those calories to keep you going. We've already discussed how the wife clashes with PT. If she was allowed to smash the food into her, soup, main meal, sponge tart and custard, juice and a cuppa, for her evening meal alone, she'd end up the size of a house. We don't want that and neither does she.

You wonder why seniors get a little more rotund as they progress through the ranks? It is because they eat as much as they did when they were running about with the lads but they don't run about with the lads so much. The army is just doing its job here. Army 4 – Wife 2.

She would never survive in the field.

Have you ever gone so far into an exercise that your finger nails start to rot? You've turned your pants inside out, worn them back to front, and then gone back to your first pair because they are slightly less cardboard. You've had pimples the size of oranges growing on your face your hair feels like it has a colony of insects living in it. These are the things we face on exercise and it is why we look so bad when we finally come in.

The wife would struggle with just one spider sharing her sleeping bag with her. She'd crumble if she had to go more than a couple of days without a shower. We haven't even mentioned the food yet. I recently told her that I've often sat down to a meal of freezing cold baked beans and sausages for my breakfast, or drunk cold leek and potato soup straight from the packet for my dinner, and she thought this was disgusting. I don't think she'd manage on hard routine. Oh and the lack of sleep? Forget it. Army 5 – wife 2.

She can't handle banter.

I wouldn't feel normal if I wasn't called the C word at least a few times a week. It is almost a term of endearment in this job. Conversely, in my household, it is a real no go. I guess that's a civvy thing. Also, I'm used to my colleagues picking out any weakness and relentlessly pursuing it until I either snap or they find somebody else to harass.

My wife doesn't react in the same way. If I give a little banter she gets really defensive or gets upset. The same rules don't apply. If she was put into my work environment, and the gloves were off, she'd end up hitting somebody or she'd end up in a sobbing wreck in the corner. Easy this one. Army 6 – Wife 2.

In conclusion, although she's a pretty robust individual, she really isn't the army type. She probably wouldn't even consider it as profession. This is actually a good thing. If she was a typical army girl, I wouldn't be interested anyway.

Contact. Wait out. #44. Out of the Loop.

Contact. Wait out. #44. Out of the Loop.

Not so long back I tried to add myself to some of the other battalion groups around Facebook. I wanted to get hold of a video that I was in for a very brief moment and I'd heard that another company had it on their page. I joined their page and figured I'd join some old timer pages too.

I came across one such page and the rule for joining was that I had to prove who I was by explaining my military history. Fair enough. I gave a little detail, and the owner of the page wrote back and asked for a bit more. He wanted to know which company I was in.

A little while before this, my battalion changed from using letters before the company moniker to using numbers. When I told the veteran that I was from number 1 Company, he blew his top. He accused me of being a Walt (liar) and educated me to the fact that battalions always used letters and never numbers, and that because I'd failed at lying so badly, that he was going to send my details to every other page moderator he could find, on all the other veteran pages, so that they also knew I was a Walt.

I was going to try and explain his mistake to him but life is too short. Instead, I just left it. He'll figure it out one day. The story reminds me of all the old keyboard warriors that lurk around the internet who give other veterans a bad name. These guys look down on just about every achievement that the modern soldier has and they try to belittle it. We get it. Life was hard when you were in and we've got it easier. The trouble is that we don't care. We're too busy trying to get by to attempt to explain to you that everything is relative. Your achievements are no better than ours and ours are no better than yours. They're just different. Everybody plays the role asked of them, even the women, even the REMFs, even the R.A.F. Regt, so let's all respect that fact. We're supposed to be on the same side right?

Contact. Wait out. #43. AGAI 67. Pt.1

 Contact. Wait out. #43. AGAI 67. Pt.1

True story bro'. I was present for a blanket AGAI briefing where a bunch of NCOs were getting told how to correctly use the army disciplinary system. It was a good idea, due to many people not really understanding the correct procedures, but nobody monitored the people that had just been given their new-found power.

By the way, the army disciplinary system goes way beyond this simple term. The AGAI 67 is a minor sanction that doesn't go on your record. I guess it is similar to the NJP that the Americans use. You do get beasted by everybody that needs to sign it though, and plenty of folks are going to know that you've messed up, so it isn't like a simple slap on the wrist.

I witnessed incidents where folks were getting threatened with AGAI action for not getting their NCOs snacks from the NAAFI, for not volunteering for extra duties, for not attending non-compulsary gym sessions, and for many other such random and off-duty behaviours. Sometimes, AGAI action was replaced by crap jobs instead because folks still couldn't figure out the process.

Smarter people than me put  the AGAI system together, and when it is used properly, it becomes part of a robust and fair disciplinary and administrative system. It is human nature to want to play with a new toy. You just have to know what you're doing when you do play with it or you're going to upset a lot of people and make yourself look like an idiot.

For the record, I have been AGAI'd once. I was innocent of course.