Contact. Wait out. #26. Shirt Sleeve Order.

Contact. Wait out. #26. Shirt Sleeve Order.

It is that time of year again. Shirt sleeves need to be rolled up because summer is on its way. Let me tell you something about our shirts. They have Velcro strips in them which makes it a little awkward to get the sleeves rolled up evenly. God knows why they have Velcro in the sleeves. I heard it was for the wrist protector inserts but I've never seen those things before and am even a little unsure that they even exist.

Anyway, I've pulled all the Velcro out of one of my shirts and now my sleeves roll up nicely.
I just need to do all the other sets of uniform now. Trouble is, that you can get that as soon as the last one has been removed, we'll get issued the wrist protectors.

Contact. Wait out. #25. Trimble.

Contact. Wait out. #25. Trimble.

In military vehicles you'll find a little box on the dash with three lights on it. This is the Trimble device which is designed to make any driving duty a pain in the arse. If the light is green it means that you are successful at driving like a Sunday driver. You accelerate slowly, thus forcing other traffic to swerve around you as you enter dual carriageways and motorways, you take corners carefully, which means going around roundabouts at a snail's pace, and you drive exactly to the speed limit, building up a massive queue of traffic as you go through tiny villages on A roads that have random 30 mph limits.

Basically, the Trimble pisses you, and all those around you, right off. It is supposed to make you drive safely but it is so sensitive that you're always keeping an eye on it. Even the most random of movements can set the thing off. (I once had one go red because a guy leant into the driver’s side window, to talk to me, while stationary.) This sensitivity means that you're always waiting for the thing to jump to red and send a report back to MT.

The MT report guarantees a bollocking. Damn I hate Trimble.

Contact. Wait out. #24. The Rugger.

Contact. Wait out. #24. The Rugger.

Army Navy is coming up and that deserves a strip. I really only watch the 6 Nations, and I know that is considered blasphemy to some, but there are two good reasons why the Army Navy game is not for me. Number 1 is that I'm not an officer type. This basically precludes me from joining in with the Wugger conversation awound Twickers. Number 2 is that I'm not a raging piss head. A lot of people that are going have no interest in the game, as long as Army wins, and are just going for the booze.

I have no problem with that by the way. If you're going, I hope you have an amazing time, I hope that the Navy get crushed, and I hope that you're so paralytic that you don't remember a single thing. Events like this are what keeps the brotherhood going and the esprit de corps developing into the future. I reckon everyone should experience it, in fact I'm kind of wishing I'm going now. Anyone got any spare tickets?

Contact. Wait out. #23. Honking.

 

Contact. Wait out. #23. Honking.

There's two sides of this coin. You're either the smelly, filthy guy standing in the cook house queue, or you're the smug bloke watching blokes coming in from the field. If you're the latter, you almost feel sorry for ther lads. You've been there. You've had that film of filth covering your body and the matted, unstylable hair. No matter how much you brush your teeth in the field, they never feel properly clean, and your kit honks of the acrid cordite or from the sweet sickly smoke grenades.

It doesn't matter. a hot meal during or after an exercise makes you forget many of your worries.

Contact. Wait out. #22. Top Gear.

Contact. Wait out. #22. Top Gear.

Something that absolutely boggles my brain is how many guys say that they want to buy themselves a Landrover when they get out. The things are shocking. They're uncomfortable, loud, expensive, and they've got no style whatsoever. If you've ever tried to sleep in one on the move then you'll know that there is no place to rest your head that isn't hard or jagged. If you've ever had one on the motorway then you'll know that you feel as if the thing could come apart at any time and kill everyone around it. If you've tried to stay warm in one during the winter, you'll know that it is literally impossible.

The only thing that they're good at is driving off-road. They’re really good at that but you still feel as if you're going to go over and get crushed every time you meet a bit of camber. Really. I have no idea what the appeal is. Rant over.

Contact. Wait out. #21. Lariam.

Contact. Wait out. #21. Lariam.

So, the news that forces personnel have been given a toxic drug that causes mental problems was released recently and lots of soldiers are mentioning that they were taking it on their tours. Obviously they're worried but, if we're honest, most of them were messed up in the head when they walked into the recruiting office.

Ok, I'm clearly joking. The Larium story is yet another instance of a mistake by the MoD that the media has latched onto. Let's all hope that the MoD sorts this out, looks after the blokes, and then moves on.

Click here for the full Larium story.

Contact. Wait out. #20. New guys... Bum head.

Contact. Wait out. #20. New guys... Bum head.

Initiations are the stuff of legend for many of us. The old and bold will tell tales of soldiers having their eyes glued shut, drinking a top shelf pint and waking up covered in puke, or getting a good kicking from all your new "mates". I'm sure it still goes on in some places but recent news stories about initiations gone wrong have put an end to a lot of it.

The bum head is a very simple but cringeworthy initiation. You get held down and somebody rubs their backside in your face. I think I'd rather take the kicking.

Contact. Wait out. #19. Recruiters. Managing expectations.

Contact. Wait out. #19. Recruiters. Managing expectations.

Recruiters get to see a very varied cross-section of society. Most of the candidates are fine but some make you raise an eyebrow. Youngsters are the worst. Many of them are playing CoD and Battlefield many years before they're allowed to and most of them have a more in depth knowledge of weapons than your average squaddie.

The book says that you stay professional and tow the party line but the temptation to fuel their misguided enthusiasm is always there. Sniffer donkeys searching for IEDs in Afghan?

Contact. Wait out. #18. Women in the infantry.

Contact. Wait out. #18. Women in the infantry.

The amount of guys that I've heard talking about the introduction of women to the infantry has been interesting. Most of them are made up at the prospect of lots of young and hot women coming into their units to basically throw themselves at the lads. We all know that isn't going to happen.

There are certain types of women that are going to join the infantry, if they finally get allowed, and they ain't in the same calibre that those Army Air Corps girls are. We're going to get the girls that feel the need to prove something. These girls are going to be tough, grizzly, and most probably more violent than a lot of the lads.

I'm quite exciteed at this. It'll put a lot of the blokes in their place and it should raise the standards everywhere. Nobody wants to get beaten by a girl and the girls we're going to get are not going to want to get beaten by a guy.

Contact. Wait out. #17. Ruperts in the field.

Contact. Wait out. #17. Ruperts in the field.

A good officer is worth his weight in gold just as a good NCO is. Unfortunately there are plenty of Hooray-Henry types out there that are a liability to themselves and others. The army is pretty good at clearing out the really cliched individuals and a good platoon sergeant will destroy a rupert in very quick time.

All that being said, we've all come across them and we've all been affected by their interesting approach. Contact. Wait out's resident Rupert is Captain Blenheim Lucknow. Wot wot!

Contact. Wait out. #16. Commonwealth.

Contact. Wait out. #16. Commonwealth.

Every unit seems to have at least one of them cluttering up the place. Whether they're Aussies, Kiwis, or South Africans, these colonials are here to drink our bars dry, take our jobs, or pinch our women. Some of them make good soldiers but most of them just like to wear the uniform to impress the females. Whatever the reason, they're here to stay. I only wish they weren't so loud. I'm talking about you Jono.

Contact. Wait out. #15. A Day in the Life. SPSI's

Contact. Wait out. #15. A Day in the Life. SPSI's

If you do really well in your career, and there's nobody else willing to do it, you could get the chance to join a reserve battalion as a Permanent Staff Instructor. The very best, or unfortunate, get to be Senior Permanent Staff Instructors. That basically means you sit in your office for a couple of hours a day and book courses. The rest of the time, you nip off down the gym, disappear off to do recces, or simply vanish for a few days.

It isn't easy though. You're basically dealing with a collection of people that range from almost fit to be regular soldiers to gopping nightmares that aren't even fit to be human beings. Still, PSI's will do anything to advance their careers.

Contact. Wait out. #14. You take your life in your own hands here lads.

Contact. Wait out. #14. You take your life in your own hands here lads.

How many times have you gone into the stores and seen row upon row of shiny new kit that you can't have. It is like being in a sweet shop with no money. To top it off, even though your boots don't quite fit, your uniform is in tatters, and everybody in the stores has brand new stuff, the kit doesn't belong to you. It doesn't even belong to the army, it belongs to the people in stores and they hoard it like Gollum from Lord of the Rings.

Good luck getting an exchange folks and I hope you enjoy the frosty reception.

Contact. Wait out. #13. Déjà vu.

Contact. Wait out. #13. Déjà vu.

So, I was in work and one of our twins came up and asked about the sketches. I'm not sure which one of them it was, obviously, but he didn't believe that I was doing them. I said that I'd prove it, so here's number 13, "Déjà vu". Also, I reckon a nice photo of the lads would be nice so here's one to enjoy.

Contact. Wait out. #12. You've changed.

Contact. Wait out. #12.You've changed.

Where does the Brecon point come from? It has to be one of the most annoying things that somebody can do you in this job especially if it is accompanied with the word fella. The chances are that if somebody consistently uses the Brecon point while addressing people they're a massive chopper.

On a side note, the Americans call this knife hands. It just goes to show you that these strokers are all over the world. Don't forget to tag an NCO that uses this technique.