Falklands anyone?

We spotted this video, posted by Oliver Rowe, and figured we'd share it with you. Some guys have had a better Christmas than others. Fill your boots.

#CWO #FalklandsNotMalvinas #Winning

Falkland Islands
Posted by Oliver Rowe on Tuesday, 29 December 2015

Contact. Wait out. #53. Issue Boots.

Contact. Wait out. #53. Issue Boots.

It seems very evident that some people really get on well with the issue boots. It has always been this way. There are some lucky folks with feet made of steel. For the rest of us, issue boots can be almost unbearable. I don't want to go into too much detail as to why I hate my boots because you can see that on the Facebook page but let it be understood that the best pair of boots I ever wore for work were not given to me through the system.

I remember when the poster came around offering us a choice of several different styles and types. It was as if we would get to choose the boot that most suited us. Of course, that was wishful thinking and I should have known better. Of the 12 or so styles, advertised internally, I think I've seen two. Seriously, why on earth would the army let me choose which boots I wanted to wear? That makes way too much sense.

Anyway, this strip is for all those people that have been crippled by wearing issued boots. Enjoy.

Contact. Wait out. #52. Queen's Regs.

Contact. Wait out. #52. Queen's Regs.

Queen's Regs is a shortened term for Queen's Regulations. It is the bible for serving personnel in the army and it has plenty of policy from dress, to leave, to discipline. If you have a question on the do's and don'ts in the British Army, Queen's Regs is where to go.

It is all well and good having a grasp on what is included in the monster document, but I wouldn't recommend quoting it when you're getting the good news from an NCO. There's a very good chance that you'll be right, but there's an equal chance that you're just going to make the situation worse. You have to remember, the boss isn't always right but he's always the boss.

Thankfully, for those of us with rank, there are plenty of ways to catch people out. Sure, you might quote the book at me but I can just turn to conduct unbecoming or get you with the service test. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

That's if I was a douche. Luckily, I'm cool as...

Contact. Wait out. Quiz. Walt Checker!

Want to figure out if somebody that you know is a Walt? Maybe you're a Walt and you don't realise it. Use the Walt Check 5000 to find out the truth.

Please note that the quiz may take a few seconds to load...

Don't forget to share.

Contact. Wait out. #51. Education.

Contact. Wait out. #51. Education.

This is a take on the popular Batman and Robin meme that can be found all over the Internet. There's a great opportunity for other people to use this picture and make their own memes from it.

Here I've given it a Remembrance Day theme. It is aimed at those folks that claim that they don't need to buy a poppy. Sure, you don't need to buy a poppy but you should. Whether you agree with war or not, whether you agree with your country's foreign policy or not. The poppy is for the people that are no longer with us through war and for those that continue to suffer from war. Your wearing it signifies your understanding of the human struggle against conflict that is in all of us.

Obviously, all that wouldn't fit in the meme.

Feel free to share this and show your support for the appeal. Don't forget that you can donate directly from the Contact. Wait out. main page. Just scroll down the page and click on the big banner ad.

Quiz! How Many F**Ks Were Given?

Here's a bit of fun. Take the quiz and find out just how many f**ks you really give. You reckon you are a cool cat or a stinking hippy? Well, this will let you know.

Please note that the quiz may take a few seconds to load...

Don't forget to share.

Contact. Wait Out. #50. Commonwealth II.

Contact. Wait Out. #50. Commonwealth II.

I was working away one time and we had a few commonwealth soldiers with us. The Gurkhas were an interesting bunch, they once sat in on a quiz that was full of deep British culture, and they attempted to answer the questions even though they had no idea what was going on. I was impressed by their willingness to get involved for a laugh.

The Fijians were a rowdy bunch that tended to keep to themselves. In a similar story to that in the sketch, I once walked into the a little common room that we all shared and asked a big Fijian if he could come and clean out some Landrovers. He just looked at me, said "No", and then went back to chatting with his mates.

I only found out after that the reason he said no was because I had pointed at him. Apparently, that is rude in their culture. Once he got to know me, he was ok, but it didn't help get the Landrovers clean that day.

There are a lot of different cultures in the British Army. So many that understanding them all would take ages, but we all still manage to get along. I believe that it is yet another reason that our army is as good as it is. Everyone brings something different to the party.

Contact. Wait out. #49. Equal Opportunities.

Contact. Wait out. #49. Equal Opportunities.

I have to give credit to Matt on this one. He was on exercise and saw some DS gripping somebody about wearing a softy top. It may have been Matt that got gripped, I don't remember, but he came out with a quality hindsight idea.

Just imagine that he'd turned super camp when the DS kicked off and come out with some amorous advances. It'd surely stop him in his tracks. I mean, what do you say if somebody comes out with something like that?

It didn't happen that way but I kind of wish that it had.

Contact. Wait out. #48. Investments.

Contact. Wait out. #48. Investments.

As many of you will be aware, I have been away for a bit, so this issue of #CWO is a bit late. I can't say I enjoyed my time on exercise but it has given me plenty of ideas for new sketches.

Anyway, this edition of "Contact. Wait out." talks about the hideous practice of swamping that is present in our armed forces, and I'd hazard to guess, almost all armed forces in the world. Swamping is when a soldier wets the bed after being out on the sauce. That is to say that he can't hold his booze and pees himself like a 5 year old child.

Thankfully, I've never been so drunk that I've done it but I have seen it a few times. Most memorable was when two colleagues of mine came in to the block drunk and spooned in their underwear. One of them woke up and stood over an innocent guy, sleeping softly, before urinating all over him. We could hear the flow and the shouting from the guy when he realised what was happening, but by the time the lights were flicked on, the offender was back to spooning.

The drunkard woke just after everyone else had got up and dressed and then started to shout at everybody because his bedding had been swamped. A mate of mine picked up his sleeping bag, soaked in urine, and slapped him round the face with it.

Later, in a huge, packed briefing room, the Commanding Officer made reference to the incident and the whole room bellowed with laughter. It was sweet.

P.S. Thanks Dave.

Contact. Wait out. #47. Wargames.

Contact. Wait out. #47. Wargames.

Some of you may see this strip and think that there's some sort of satirical message behind it. Well, there's not. There might be a small snipe at the way military contracts are given out, and how they're crooked, but I have literally no evidence of that so forget I mentioned it.

More notable is the inclusion of fantasy figurines. I got asked to include them in some way and having Generals playing with them seemed fun. There you have it.

I'm about to go away for a bit so there'll be a gap between now and the next strip. Apologies.

Contact. Wait out. #46. Digits.

 

Contact. Wait out. #46. Digits.

Oh, the joys of weapon cleaning. I once spent a good half of a day at Catterick cleaning my SA80 after an exercise. Every time a soldier went up to the DS and asked if their weapon was clean, they'd get sent back because it was dirty. All the time we were bent over our rifles, the DS were switching in and out as they went back to their blocks or homes to get showered. The lads noticed and they weren't impressed.

I quickly figured out that they had a set period of time to get the weapons done, and we didn't have anything better to do, so we weren't going anywhere until they were ready to let us. That meant that nobody's weapon was going to be clean even if it was spotless.

This cartoon refers to a part of the weapon that is notoriously difficult to get right. The breach, sometimes referred to as the cat's ar**hole or the monkey's ar**hole, just can't be dealt with with anything in the cleaning kit. You can only get a tiny bit of your pinky finger in and it can only go in at one angle. If the DS or armourer wants to, they can get carbon out of there every single time they try. It is especially difficult to clean if you have thick fingers. Most of the people inspecting your weapon will have tiny fingers. Of course they do, that's standard.

I hope the armourers don't get butt hurt. I'm only playing.

Quiz! Which Rank Should You Be?

Here's a bit of fun. Take the quiz and find out where you should be in the British Army rank range. You reckon you should be a private soldier or and officer? Well, this will let you know.

Don't forget to share.

Contact. Wait out. #45. MATT 5.

 

 Contact. Wait out. #45. MATT 5.

We all love a good bit of abuse from a senior. Just as long as it isn't directed at us of course. I wonder if all the good Warrant Officers have to go on a course that instructs them on how to spit creative lines of vicious comedy at junior ranks. I'm sure that many of you have heard some real blinders.

I once heard a WO2 say to a young private soldier "You're so ugly, I'll bet that when you cry, the tears run down your back." It was pure genius. There have been countless occasions when I've had to stifle a giggle on parade.

Another, quite famous one, is when the guy sees that you need a haircut and says "Am I hurting your hair private? Well I should be. I'm bloody standing on it!"

I'd love to hear some of the British Army's best lines. The lad in the sketch is getting the good news but you have to admire him for letting them get to ally proportions. Also, check out the grin on the Lance Jack's face.

There is a great Facebook Group that has some superb American Examples. Head on over to Awesome Sh*t My Drill Sergeant Says. Those guys have some great stories and they've even released a book.

8 Reasons Why My Wife Could Never Be A Soldier.

8 Reasons Why My Wife Could Never Be A Soldier.

On a recent camping trip I came to realise that my image of camping is completely different to that of my family. My wife wanted a whole car load of equipment whereas I'd have settled for a bergan. It got me thinking about whether she'd make it in the army. I believe that there are a number of factors that would be total deal breakers for her. Here are 8 of them.

She has no respect for authority.

I've come home from work many times and explained to my wife that I'm being sent to some back-of-beyond location to do a job that I don't particularly feel all that excited about. I've also come home and complained about some aspect of the management when crap is coming my way. Her normal reaction is to tell me to tell them that I'm not going to do it or to tell them to shove it.

“So they're sending me Stanta for a week. It'll be field conditions. I'm not looking forward to it.”

“Just tell them no.”

“It doesn't work like that sweety.”

“Well, I'd tell them to... F**k off.”

That's usually how the conversations go. I couldn't see her standing at attention in front of somebody giving her the good news. I reckon she'd get about 30 seconds into basic training before there was a monumental clash of personalities and somebody gave up. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be the army. Army 1 – Wife 0

She has no concept of timings.

We were invited to attend a pretty huge function. There were several units involved and the attendance was going to be in the thousands. I was dicked to help out with the running of said event, so I had to travel down early. Note that the travel time was around an hour and a half and the event started at 0900. The rest of the unit, and their families, were given the opportunity to take a bus that was put on by battalion.

The transport left at 0700, and I relayed this information to the wife, but she wasn't impressed. She wanted them to put back the transport timings because it was too early in the morning and she didn't want to arrive that early. I had to explain to her that the army wasn't going to change the whole day because she wanted to get a bit more sleep. She didn't ride down on the bus. My wife came down in her car a little later in the day. We'll call that compromise. Army 1 – Wife 1.

PT is never going to happen.

When motivated, and I mean really motivated, my better half will attempt some sort of fitness regime. The rest of the time it is her prerogative to do whatever the hell she wants.. Physical exercise is hard work and there simply isn't enough time in the day for that.

Unfortunately, in the army, PT is not optional. You've got it three times a week and CO's PT on a Friday. Let's not forget sports on Wednesday and that everyone is expected to get get involved with whatever fun run or crazy sponsored gym beasting that is going on. There isn't really any way to hide from fitness so my wife would either get super fit or get the hell out. Something tells me that, if she had no other choice, she'd soon get to enjoying whichever type of fitness she got into. She probably wouldn't like it at first but then who does? Army 2 – Wife 1.

She doesn't speak “Army”.

Reference Argos, come two knuckles left of that, 6 o'clock of gopping bloater, Walt chopper in the shemagh and Crye trousers. Seen?

If I said that to a fellow soldier, they'd be giving me a full debrief on the lizard that I'd just pointed out. If I said it to my wife she might get as far as Argos and then start thinking about going to look at the catalogues. Granted, there are a few phrases that she's allowed to slip into her vocabulary, but there is still a whole world of language that she'd just get annoyed at.

Can any of you imagine your partners answering the phone with “Send”, or referring to any local news agents as the NAAFI, or any cool new item of anything at all as “Gucci”? Nope, my wife does not play this game. Army 2 - Wife 2.

She doesn't understand ironing.

Gone are the days when our partners were good around the house. You'd be lucky if you have a partner that can cook. My wife readily confesses that she doesn't iron. That's probably a good thing as, like many of you, I wouldn't let her near my uniform. Remember when we had the DPM stuff that needed creases everywhere? Can you imagine giving that to somebody else to have a go on?

I can't say that I really enjoy the activity myself. It is just something that has to be done. That being said, I do take a little pride in doing it properly. The Mrs doesn't ever get the iron out. If she was in the army she'd look like a bag of you know what and that would mean trouble. Army 3 – Wife 2.

4,000 calories per day would ruin her.

That's what they say an exercising soldier needs every day. All the movement, advance to contact, section attacks, and shivering in stag positions takes it out of you. You need those calories to keep you going. We've already discussed how the wife clashes with PT. If she was allowed to smash the food into her, soup, main meal, sponge tart and custard, juice and a cuppa, for her evening meal alone, she'd end up the size of a house. We don't want that and neither does she.

You wonder why seniors get a little more rotund as they progress through the ranks? It is because they eat as much as they did when they were running about with the lads but they don't run about with the lads so much. The army is just doing its job here. Army 4 – Wife 2.

She would never survive in the field.

Have you ever gone so far into an exercise that your finger nails start to rot? You've turned your pants inside out, worn them back to front, and then gone back to your first pair because they are slightly less cardboard. You've had pimples the size of oranges growing on your face your hair feels like it has a colony of insects living in it. These are the things we face on exercise and it is why we look so bad when we finally come in.

The wife would struggle with just one spider sharing her sleeping bag with her. She'd crumble if she had to go more than a couple of days without a shower. We haven't even mentioned the food yet. I recently told her that I've often sat down to a meal of freezing cold baked beans and sausages for my breakfast, or drunk cold leek and potato soup straight from the packet for my dinner, and she thought this was disgusting. I don't think she'd manage on hard routine. Oh and the lack of sleep? Forget it. Army 5 – wife 2.

She can't handle banter.

I wouldn't feel normal if I wasn't called the C word at least a few times a week. It is almost a term of endearment in this job. Conversely, in my household, it is a real no go. I guess that's a civvy thing. Also, I'm used to my colleagues picking out any weakness and relentlessly pursuing it until I either snap or they find somebody else to harass.

My wife doesn't react in the same way. If I give a little banter she gets really defensive or gets upset. The same rules don't apply. If she was put into my work environment, and the gloves were off, she'd end up hitting somebody or she'd end up in a sobbing wreck in the corner. Easy this one. Army 6 – Wife 2.

In conclusion, although she's a pretty robust individual, she really isn't the army type. She probably wouldn't even consider it as profession. This is actually a good thing. If she was a typical army girl, I wouldn't be interested anyway.

Contact. Wait out. #44. Out of the Loop.

Contact. Wait out. #44. Out of the Loop.

Not so long back I tried to add myself to some of the other battalion groups around Facebook. I wanted to get hold of a video that I was in for a very brief moment and I'd heard that another company had it on their page. I joined their page and figured I'd join some old timer pages too.

I came across one such page and the rule for joining was that I had to prove who I was by explaining my military history. Fair enough. I gave a little detail, and the owner of the page wrote back and asked for a bit more. He wanted to know which company I was in.

A little while before this, my battalion changed from using letters before the company moniker to using numbers. When I told the veteran that I was from number 1 Company, he blew his top. He accused me of being a Walt (liar) and educated me to the fact that battalions always used letters and never numbers, and that because I'd failed at lying so badly, that he was going to send my details to every other page moderator he could find, on all the other veteran pages, so that they also knew I was a Walt.

I was going to try and explain his mistake to him but life is too short. Instead, I just left it. He'll figure it out one day. The story reminds me of all the old keyboard warriors that lurk around the internet who give other veterans a bad name. These guys look down on just about every achievement that the modern soldier has and they try to belittle it. We get it. Life was hard when you were in and we've got it easier. The trouble is that we don't care. We're too busy trying to get by to attempt to explain to you that everything is relative. Your achievements are no better than ours and ours are no better than yours. They're just different. Everybody plays the role asked of them, even the women, even the REMFs, even the R.A.F. Regt, so let's all respect that fact. We're supposed to be on the same side right?

Contact. Wait out. #43. AGAI 67. Pt.1

 Contact. Wait out. #43. AGAI 67. Pt.1

True story bro'. I was present for a blanket AGAI briefing where a bunch of NCOs were getting told how to correctly use the army disciplinary system. It was a good idea, due to many people not really understanding the correct procedures, but nobody monitored the people that had just been given their new-found power.

By the way, the army disciplinary system goes way beyond this simple term. The AGAI 67 is a minor sanction that doesn't go on your record. I guess it is similar to the NJP that the Americans use. You do get beasted by everybody that needs to sign it though, and plenty of folks are going to know that you've messed up, so it isn't like a simple slap on the wrist.

I witnessed incidents where folks were getting threatened with AGAI action for not getting their NCOs snacks from the NAAFI, for not volunteering for extra duties, for not attending non-compulsary gym sessions, and for many other such random and off-duty behaviours. Sometimes, AGAI action was replaced by crap jobs instead because folks still couldn't figure out the process.

Smarter people than me put  the AGAI system together, and when it is used properly, it becomes part of a robust and fair disciplinary and administrative system. It is human nature to want to play with a new toy. You just have to know what you're doing when you do play with it or you're going to upset a lot of people and make yourself look like an idiot.

For the record, I have been AGAI'd once. I was innocent of course.

Contact. Wait out. #42. Hired Help.

Contact. Wait out. #42. Hired Help.

Everybody needs a little extra cash nowadays and there are many places that reservists and ex-soldiers can turn to. Not to mention any names but there is one such company that provides demo troops to the army. The work is vital in today's economic climate, and the training that the company provides is world class, but they do attract some of the more creative people that the military has employed in the past.

If you don't know what a Walt is, it is a reference to the guy who made up fantastic stories about his life. In the British military it is a guy, or girl, who claims to have done more than he ever did and sometimes even has the brass to wear medals that he was never entitled to. These are the lowest forms of life, if they are actually civilians, and if they're military in any way, they're the lowest form of life there too.

These douche bags will always Walt about being S.A.S. or Parachute Regiment and will make up amazing war stories that they'll tell anyone that'll listen. The trouble is that there are plenty of people that can see through their lies. You have to wonder why these morons do what they do but they continue to do it.

Contact. Wait out. #41. USA, USA, USA!

Click the image for full screen.

Contact. Wait out. #41. USA, USA, USA!

The media and movie world in the United States have given us all an inflated image of the average American serviceman. We expect the Marine Corps, the Army, even the Air Force to be square jawed, gun toting, tobacco chewing, extroverts. The stereotype can't accurately describe all of them but stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason.

I went to a big function a couple of years ago and the C.O. from Mildenhall was there. I got chatting to him, and because I'm a cheeky mofo, I asked him when the British people would get the Mildenhall Air Show back. He replied, "You will get the Airshow back when we all come together and defeat international terrorism Sonny." and he beamed with his pearly whites. The guy was larger than life and so I obviously found him hilarious.

Most of the Americans that I've met have been normal, grounded, cynical guys just like me. We all get on with our jobs but we have a very pragmatic approach to the BS that comes with it. I like seeing how these normal guys look at their louder counterparts. There was a National Guard NCO that I worked with one. He'd flown over with an officer, and when I asked him about the officer, he said that he had no idea who he was. He said that the guy was an asshole and he'd pretty much ignored him from the get go. He was right, the guy was a dick.

Contact. Wait out. #40. The Ally Checklist.

Click on the image for full screen.

Contact. Wait out. #40. The Ally Checklist.

Let's poke fun at those folks cutting about that think they're ally as fook. If you don't now what ally means, think of the coolest, most together soldier in your platoon or squadron. Is there a guy or girl who seems to fly through everything and never get a spot of shit on them? Do they seem to look better than everyone else, even though they're supposed to be in the same uniform? They're ally. Being ally just happens over time and it can not be faked. Today's strip aims to give some tips on how to look ally but if you're not legit', you're going to look like a chopper.

Seriously, what a load of bollocks. The phrase is just a phrase and it will be superseded by another in due course. If your peers think you deserve the moniker then happy days but if you go chasing it you're going to fail. Just do your job, get face time where possible, and try not to get into trouble.

Contact. Wait out. #39. Preconceived expectaions.

Click on the image for full screen.

Contact. Wait out. #39. Preconceived expectaions.

Sorry for the long delay in getting the latest strip out. It is the silly season for recruiting and I've been out and about banging the drum. There are events galore in the summer and I've been trying to fit family time in with work time. Actually, you guys don't want to hear my excuses. Let's just say I've been a bit Jack in getting the comic done. Apologies.

Anyway, you can rest assured that the British Army, both regular and reserve, is going to get the man power boost they deserve because I'm on the case. Here's the one picture I managed to get from the Royal Norfolk Show. It isn't even my battalion's trailer.