Contact. Wait out. #34. Never Trust a Skinny Chef.

Contact. Wait out. #34. Never Trust a Skinny Chef.

Let's get one thing clear from the start. I know that not all RLC chefs at fat arses. I know many of them are normal blokes and normal girls. That doesn't make for good humour though. Stereotypes are fun and that's why I'm happy to rip on the RLC in general.

These fat lads are drawing weapons from the armoury and the poor armourer has to deal with their REMF comments, and no doubt, he'll have to sweep away the biscuit crumbs and pick up the coke cans after they've left. You can almost guarantee that a chef would choose an ACMT over a PFA any day of the week. You have to wonder whether their stores are larger than average due to their having to store all the max size uniforms. Jabba jabba jabba jabba.

Got some return fire? Bring it on.

Loot Winner!

So, last month we announced the winner of the Jack Wolfskin competition. This was a highly sought after Gucci jacket, and part of the terms and conditions was for the winner to provide a picture of themselves in kit, and for them to provide a picture of themselves with the loot once they'd received it. The name was picked at random by our hi-tek name selector and Lee Pollit from Bournemouth was the lucky winner.

In keeping with the "Contact. Wait out." ethos of being 100% gen, and ruthless with the banter, here are the pictures of Mr. Pollit. If you know him, feel free to show your glee at his being a spawny bastard.

Here's Lee wearing his prize in Devon just recently.

Here's Lee in his prime. We're loving the UN dinner plate on his swede. Thanks for participating Lee.

Contact. Wait out. #33. Liberties.

Contact. Wait out. #33. Liberties.

You know, soldiers have a special way of speaking to each other. To an outsider, the level of bad language and ruthless abuse could be considered a bit over the top. You certainly wouldn't get away with it in an everyday office environment. Equality and diversity and human resources departments would have a cow and start sacking people on the spot.

There's no way an outsider could get away with talking to a squaddie the way that squaddies talk to one another. You see, the banter is horrific for a reason. It might not be immediately obvious, but when a soldier verbally destroys another soldier, he's actually figuring out what kind of character he has. If the guy can take the banter, and give some back, then you know he's alright. If he shows weakness, and snaps, then you know he's not so cool. Of course, there are times when the banter gets too much and people break but that's all part of the game. You got to have thick skin in this job.

Contact. Wait out. #32. Crows.

Contact. Wait out. #32. Crows.

If you get called a crow, in the British army, you're getting insulted. It's like being called a Boot in the US Marine Corps. Crow actually stands for something. It means Combat Recruit of War. You know, that super keen recruit that lives and breathes the army spirit and ethos and has yet to realise that he's soon going to be dry bummed on a regular basis.

Your crowbag still thinks that wearing Silver Shadows over Nike or Reebok is cool. He still would rather have an issue daysack over a Blackhawk, Karrimor, Viper, or Motherlode. His enthusiasm sucks at your very life force because you remembered that, in the very distant past, you were filled with enthusiasm too. The Crow just annoys you.

The thing is, it isn't his fault at all. He's just living his life and getting on with it the only way he knows how. You're the one with the problem. All that bitterness that the army has humped into you has turned you against the innocent new guy. Damn crow, what a wanker. How dare he make you contemplate your own psyche. Best you go and fuck with him a bit punish him for it.

Contact. Wait out. #31. Subtle Differences.

Contact. Wait out. #31. Subtle Differences.

The old timers will always tell you that they had it harder than you did. Their kit was inferior, the training was tougher, welfare was non-existant, and they got filled in all the time. It seems as though the army in ye olde times was just a place where blokes with inferiority complexes went to punch other blokes with inferiority complexes. Still, it made for proper soldiers with a tough streak.

Nowadays, everyone is talking about their feelings and the new vogue for development is to be inclusive and to find ways to build people in a pink and fluffy way. I never saw the card system in use but I heard about it. It is something that the old timers will bring up when you talk with them about training and you can't help but feel slightly ashamed that it got to that point. Something has to be said for a bit of tough love. Although it is now supposed to be a thing of the past, I can't help but think that some squaddies could do with a touch of more robust development.

7 Things You'll Never Hear an Islamic State Soldier Say

Always up for a bit of satirehere at #CWO. Check out the latest article, hosted over at The Daily Heckle.

7 Things You'll Never Hear an Islamic State Soldier Say

Contact. Wait out. #30. Tough Education.

 

Contact. Wait out. #30. Tough Education.

It is a sad truth that there are many people out there that either don't know or don't care about what generations of men and women achieved for them. Call it poor education, apathy, or just ignorance, these people show a distinct lack of repsect.  Thankfully, the VE celebrations this year have shown that most people still remember the great sacrifice that the greatest generation gave us.

Servicemen and women continue to raise money for forces charities every day and they will always be welcome to post their appeals on the "Contact. Wait out." Facebook group. If you have a cause that you'd like highlighted, send us a message and we'll happily put it up.

Contact. Wait out. #29. Best Laid Plans.

Contact. Wait out. #29. Best Laid Plans.

This sketch comes from personal experience. Recently, I've spent hours in front of the computer at work waiting for it to come to life. Some things work and some things don't. Usually, the things I need to crack on with my jobs don't want to play ball.

It isn't just me either. Everybody gets these IT issues now and again and it can bring everything to a grinding halt. Brilliant when you have reports and returns to get in.

Contact. Wait out. #28. General Election.

Contact. Wait out. #28. General Election.

Here's another famous saying within the army. Yet another phrase that gets used a lot and one that everyone is tired of hearing. The phrase is great, but it usually comes after you've moaned or complained about something and it is a way of telling you to get back in your box.

If you didn't know, there's a general election coming here in the UK. I'd love to tell you all about it, and give you my views and feelings about each of the main parties, but I'm not allowed due to media ops and their rules on what you can and can't say about the government in public. Oh dear, what a pity, never mind. I'm sure you were all dying to see what I wrote too.

Contact. Wait out. #27. Gimpy Training.

 

Contact. Wait out. #27. Gimpy Training.

 

The weather has been lovely this week and I'm sure many of you are going to enjoy being out in the sun. While you're out with the bin lids, enjoying the Bank Holiday, spare a thought for those still on duty. There'll be lads and lassies stagging on, chefs slaving away behind cook sets, folks being sent up the ranges, soldiers keeping our helicopters flying, and a multitude of other tasks being completed.

 

I'm off though, so don't worry about me.