Contact. Wait out. #11. Works every time.

Contact. Wait out. #11. Works every time.

Of the many and varied ways to pick a volunteer, this is my favorite. It is genius in its simplicity and, when you're dealing with inexperienced soldiers, it works most of the time.

Contact. Wait out. #10. Exercise Fatigue.

 

Contact. Wait out. #10. Exercise Fatigue.

After a long day of advance to contact and recce patrols, all a soldier wants to do is switch off and get some rest. The trouble is that there's always something else that needs doing. An O group in the middle of the night is not out of the ordinary and it is common to see men that look like zombies taking their place around the model. Fatigue is all in the mind though, right guys?

Contact. Wait out. #9. At Ease, Privates.

 

Contact. Wait out. #9. At Ease, Privates.

Once you're standing at ease, you can't really go anywhere or do anything. You're on parade so you'd better keep still and listen out for orders. This is when you're at your most vulnerable to the slippery senior. Having a guy put his dick in your hands when you least expect it is something we all live in fear of. That, or somebody pissing into your boots from behind.

Contact. Wait out. Gopping Berets.

Contact. Wait out. Gopping Berets.

Gopping berets is a place where squaddies can engage in their notoriously brutal banter. Most of the things that pop up on the Facebook group only serve to highlight how many soldiers fail to keep their personal infrmation locked down while online. Nothing is sacred and that makes for some great ding-dongs in the comments sections. Gopping berets was taken down by Facebook, but the owner has launched another page to keep the lads happy. You can visit the group here.

Contact. Wait out. #8. A day in the life: PTIs.

Contact. Wait out. #8. A day in the life: PTIs.

Another "Day in the Life" scene, this time we take a look at Physical Training Instructors. We all know how vain these guys and gals are. There is the old joke, "How do you drown a PTI? By putting a mirror at the bottom of a swimming pool."

I reckon their average day consists of staring themselves in mirrors, a bit of gym work, and then more vanity.

Contact. Wait out. #7. Phraseology.

Contact. Wait out. #7. Phraseology.

There are a myriad of different phrases and sayings floating around the whole of the armed forces. The army has its fair share but one that boggles my brain is the brains of an archbishop one. Seriously? Since when did they get put on the same level as brain surgeons and rocket scientists?

Contact. Wait out. #6. A day in the life: The QM.

Contact. Wait out. #6. A day in the life: The QM.

You can't go to any army camp without finding hilarious signs written on the backs of toilet cubicle doors. I've even started taking pictures of the best ones. It often seems like the QM is personally aggrieved at the sight of shit marks in toilet bowls. I often imagine him sitting at his desk slamming the keys as he makes up his signs. I don't ever see the various different QMs that are responsible for the signage, but I always feel his wrath through passive aggressive notes on toilet doors.

Contact. Wait out. #5 SOPs. Fight Light.

Contact. Wait out. #5 SOPs. Fight Light.

The infantry has decided that soldier needs to carry less kit. The rocket scientists have figured out that people get tired and combat ineffective if they are loaded down with heavy equipment. Therefore, they have decided to implement a new policy that required soldiers to ditch all unnecessary kit when going into action.

The army "Fight Light" policy has been drummed into the troops but the seniors are still figuring it out for themselves. Tiny daysacks are the new way forward and any personal kit is to be left behind. Seniors are even telling the lads to leave their warm kit behind forgetting that guys freeze their nuts off in LUPs and while they're monging it at end-ex.

Most guys carry the bare minimum already. It isn't new.

Contact. Wait out. #4 British Army beret recognition 1: Cap badge placement.

Contact. Wait out. #4 British Army beret recognition 1: Cap badge placement.

How a soldier shapes his beret is a very persoanl thing. As long as you don't have an aircraft carrier or a helicopter landing pad on your head you can usually get away with how it looks. Therefore, certain styles have emerged.

The NiG has the aforementioned landing pad. This is beacuse he's inexperienced and his beret is quite new.
The Tom has a pretty normal looking beret because he's playing the game.
The soldier that thinks he's "Ally" will modify almost every part of his uniform and his beret will reflect this disregard for convention.
Finally, the senior seems to have forgotten the "Left eye, right flop" mantra for beret placement and his cap badge creeps further around his head as he gains more experience.

I always wondered how far around a senior's head a cap badge would go if it was left long enough. 

Contact. Wait out. #3 Ruperts.

Contact. Wait out. #3 Ruperts.

When you're in the field, and it is pissing it down with rain, the last thing you need is that guy who is unreasonably cheerful. Officers, or more accurately Ruperts,  have a habit of morphing out of nowhere and trying to improve your morale with their misguided joie de vivre. If they really wanted to improve morale, they'd stay the hell out of the way or pull rank and get the lads inside where it is warm and dry. A good officer is worth his weight in gold. A rupert is an accident waiting to happen.

Contact. Wait out. #2 New in Green.

Contact. Wait out. #2 New in Green.

When recruits come through the system they are keen as mustard. The trouble is that they lack experience. The excitement of getting their kit and getting to wear their regimental cap badge is tangible. The first time you see them, they will look like a shower of shit because they haven't quite grasped how to sort their admin. It sure is funny to tease them about it, but we were all there ourselves once.

The New in Green title comes from the term NIG. This is a term for new guys, and when I first heard it, I was stunned because I thought it was racist. It wasn't until it was explained to me that I cooled down. 

Contact. Wait out. #1 Meanwhile, in the cook house queue...

Contact. Wait out. #1 Meanwhile, in the cook house queue...

This  scene is inspired by the army chefs that have to stand next to the hot plate and explain to hundreds of people, three times a day, what the food in front of them is. Even if there are signs that list all the dishes on offer, there will still be people that feel the need to ask. It isn't rare to find a moody chef, but when you think about what sort of squaddie they have to deal with, you can kind of understand their point of view.