7 Things You'll Never Hear an Islamic State Soldier Say

Always up for a bit of satirehere at #CWO. Check out the latest article, hosted over at The Daily Heckle.

7 Things You'll Never Hear an Islamic State Soldier Say

Contact. Wait out. #30. Tough Education.

 

Contact. Wait out. #30. Tough Education.

It is a sad truth that there are many people out there that either don't know or don't care about what generations of men and women achieved for them. Call it poor education, apathy, or just ignorance, these people show a distinct lack of repsect.  Thankfully, the VE celebrations this year have shown that most people still remember the great sacrifice that the greatest generation gave us.

Servicemen and women continue to raise money for forces charities every day and they will always be welcome to post their appeals on the "Contact. Wait out." Facebook group. If you have a cause that you'd like highlighted, send us a message and we'll happily put it up.

Contact. Wait out. #29. Best Laid Plans.

Contact. Wait out. #29. Best Laid Plans.

This sketch comes from personal experience. Recently, I've spent hours in front of the computer at work waiting for it to come to life. Some things work and some things don't. Usually, the things I need to crack on with my jobs don't want to play ball.

It isn't just me either. Everybody gets these IT issues now and again and it can bring everything to a grinding halt. Brilliant when you have reports and returns to get in.

Contact. Wait out. #28. General Election.

Contact. Wait out. #28. General Election.

Here's another famous saying within the army. Yet another phrase that gets used a lot and one that everyone is tired of hearing. The phrase is great, but it usually comes after you've moaned or complained about something and it is a way of telling you to get back in your box.

If you didn't know, there's a general election coming here in the UK. I'd love to tell you all about it, and give you my views and feelings about each of the main parties, but I'm not allowed due to media ops and their rules on what you can and can't say about the government in public. Oh dear, what a pity, never mind. I'm sure you were all dying to see what I wrote too.

Contact. Wait out. #27. Gimpy Training.

 

Contact. Wait out. #27. Gimpy Training.

 

The weather has been lovely this week and I'm sure many of you are going to enjoy being out in the sun. While you're out with the bin lids, enjoying the Bank Holiday, spare a thought for those still on duty. There'll be lads and lassies stagging on, chefs slaving away behind cook sets, folks being sent up the ranges, soldiers keeping our helicopters flying, and a multitude of other tasks being completed.

 

I'm off though, so don't worry about me.

Contact. Wait out. #26. Shirt Sleeve Order.

Contact. Wait out. #26. Shirt Sleeve Order.

It is that time of year again. Shirt sleeves need to be rolled up because summer is on its way. Let me tell you something about our shirts. They have Velcro strips in them which makes it a little awkward to get the sleeves rolled up evenly. God knows why they have Velcro in the sleeves. I heard it was for the wrist protector inserts but I've never seen those things before and am even a little unsure that they even exist.

Anyway, I've pulled all the Velcro out of one of my shirts and now my sleeves roll up nicely.
I just need to do all the other sets of uniform now. Trouble is, that you can get that as soon as the last one has been removed, we'll get issued the wrist protectors.

Contact. Wait out. #25. Trimble.

Contact. Wait out. #25. Trimble.

In military vehicles you'll find a little box on the dash with three lights on it. This is the Trimble device which is designed to make any driving duty a pain in the arse. If the light is green it means that you are successful at driving like a Sunday driver. You accelerate slowly, thus forcing other traffic to swerve around you as you enter dual carriageways and motorways, you take corners carefully, which means going around roundabouts at a snail's pace, and you drive exactly to the speed limit, building up a massive queue of traffic as you go through tiny villages on A roads that have random 30 mph limits.

Basically, the Trimble pisses you, and all those around you, right off. It is supposed to make you drive safely but it is so sensitive that you're always keeping an eye on it. Even the most random of movements can set the thing off. (I once had one go red because a guy leant into the driver’s side window, to talk to me, while stationary.) This sensitivity means that you're always waiting for the thing to jump to red and send a report back to MT.

The MT report guarantees a bollocking. Damn I hate Trimble.

Contact. Wait out. #24. The Rugger.

Contact. Wait out. #24. The Rugger.

Army Navy is coming up and that deserves a strip. I really only watch the 6 Nations, and I know that is considered blasphemy to some, but there are two good reasons why the Army Navy game is not for me. Number 1 is that I'm not an officer type. This basically precludes me from joining in with the Wugger conversation awound Twickers. Number 2 is that I'm not a raging piss head. A lot of people that are going have no interest in the game, as long as Army wins, and are just going for the booze.

I have no problem with that by the way. If you're going, I hope you have an amazing time, I hope that the Navy get crushed, and I hope that you're so paralytic that you don't remember a single thing. Events like this are what keeps the brotherhood going and the esprit de corps developing into the future. I reckon everyone should experience it, in fact I'm kind of wishing I'm going now. Anyone got any spare tickets?

Contact. Wait out. #23. Honking.

 

Contact. Wait out. #23. Honking.

There's two sides of this coin. You're either the smelly, filthy guy standing in the cook house queue, or you're the smug bloke watching blokes coming in from the field. If you're the latter, you almost feel sorry for ther lads. You've been there. You've had that film of filth covering your body and the matted, unstylable hair. No matter how much you brush your teeth in the field, they never feel properly clean, and your kit honks of the acrid cordite or from the sweet sickly smoke grenades.

It doesn't matter. a hot meal during or after an exercise makes you forget many of your worries.

Contact. Wait out. #22. Top Gear.

Contact. Wait out. #22. Top Gear.

Something that absolutely boggles my brain is how many guys say that they want to buy themselves a Landrover when they get out. The things are shocking. They're uncomfortable, loud, expensive, and they've got no style whatsoever. If you've ever tried to sleep in one on the move then you'll know that there is no place to rest your head that isn't hard or jagged. If you've ever had one on the motorway then you'll know that you feel as if the thing could come apart at any time and kill everyone around it. If you've tried to stay warm in one during the winter, you'll know that it is literally impossible.

The only thing that they're good at is driving off-road. They’re really good at that but you still feel as if you're going to go over and get crushed every time you meet a bit of camber. Really. I have no idea what the appeal is. Rant over.