The super friendly and dedicated
militants over in the Middle East have picked up a nasty reputation
of late but perhaps they're just misunderstood. Life can be
difficult for steely-eyed fundamentalist dealers of death and the
pressures of maintaining a strict feudalistic regime can be
overwhelming. All that being said, they stick to it like flies on the
proverbial. They never flinch, they never falter, and they never seem
to mind. Embrace the West? I doubt it. Here's 7 things an Islamic
State soldier would never say.
1. Jesus Christ, I could murder
a Bacon Double Cheesburger!
Such gourmet delights might be
high on your list of nutritious snacks but the fanatical fighter of
IS doesn't have your refined palate. He'd rather eat rice dishes or
goat falafel. Ok, perhaps not goat, he's not going to murder his
girlfriend and turn her into dinner, but you get the idea. Apart from
the lack of McDonald's restaurants in downtown Rafa, bacon doesn't
sell all that well in the dustier parts of the world. Plus, if the
Great Satan was personified on earth, he'd probably take the form of
a scary clown and turn up for children's parties. Again, I doubt he'd
be welcome at Bilal's birthday bash.
2. I can't blow myself up today,
I'm getting a manicure.
Gone are the days when you'd see
your jihadist wearing guy-liner and sporting fashionable jewelry.
That look went out with Saladin and his minions. Nowadays the popular
garb for our crazed terrorists is the combat trousers, sandals, socks
and nondescript army shirt. Washing clothes or hands is not going to
happen unless they think their in imminent danger of having some
ghostly black-op ninja swabbing them for gunshot or explosive
residue.
3. What's so extraordinary about
rendition?
If our jihadi is going to get
whisked away for questioning, he's hoping that he gets caught by
somebody in from the West. If his fellow Muslims catch him, he's
going to die a slow and painful death. At least if he gets
disappeared by folks that use such colourful phrases as
"extraordinary rendition" he'll be able to keep his life
long enough to think about what he's done and have a jolly good word
with himself. That won't stop him shitting broken glass at the
thought of it though. What's that? We don't engage in such
activities? Oh, of course we don't. I forgot.
4. Oh, you got the new Eminem
album? Turn it up and we can listen while enjoying a brewski.
No brewskies are available in
the caliphates. In fact, there's no music either except the wailing
of the cute young guys on Man Love Thursdays. Pretty much every
single thing that keeps your mind off how rigid the regime is has
been banned. Want to sooth the nerves with a crafty fag? Death
penalty. Want to chat up a pretty girl? Lashes. Want to confess
undying love for your goat? Ok, that's still allowed.
5. Wow! those contrails are
really pretty.
Contrails are the white fluffy
cloud things that aircraft leave in the sky. We get to see them day
in and day out over our skies and they generally mean that some lucky
sod is off on holiday. If you live in a war zone, the chances are
that those fluffy clouds were left by a more sinister presence. If
you're an IS fighter popping mortars into a idyllic desert village,
and you're spotted by a lurking drone or fighter bomber, you're only
going to have moments to consider how you spent your youth. Death
from above is now sponsored by several NATO countries. Embrace it or
stay indoors.
6. I do like the design on the
American flag. I'm thinking of having it as my wallpaper at home.
I do like the design on the
American flag. I'm thinking of having it as my wallpaper at home,
said no Islamic State fighter ever. Of all the curtain, carpet, and
wallpaper designs in the Aleppo Dunelm Mill, United States of Freedom
sees the fewest sales. It is closely followed by Rustic Rule
Britannia. Bizarrely, black curtains with funny squiggly white lines
are selling like hot-cakes and can be seen in many an ISIS holiday
brochure and tourist board video clip.
7. Doesn't the IS flag look
pretty above Buckingham Palace.
No Islamic State fighter has
said this and no Islamic State fighter will say it. Despite their
advances and victories throughout Iraq and Syria, the West would
never let them advance far enough. Sure, they might be dreaming of a
burning Big Ben and Sharia law across the globe but let's be let's be
pragmatic here. Even hardcore West hating Muslims have had enough of
their crap and have joined in the fight against them. United the
world will defeat evil.
