What They Don't Tell You in the Army Careers Office.

What They Don't Tell You in the Army Careers Office.

If you're considering a career in the British Army, you might think that you'll be stuck with a job that doesn't have much use outside of the service. You'd be mistaken. There are plenty of things that they don't tell you in the Army Careers Office.

You’ll Learn Another Language.
That’s right, it won’t be long until the banter with your muckers will be mint, as you basha up, and snuggle into your scratcher after a night nav ex up Brecon. Back in the block, you’ll talk about which females you’d love to smash, while waiting for your dhobi to finish, and before giving some turbo mong a regi shower for being a gipping lizard.
Army linguists get extra pay for being fluent in another language. Ask your careers advisor about qualifying for that extra pay now!

All Pouches and Pockets will be Utilized.
Impress your civilian friends by having useful and relevant things stored in your wallet pockets and pouches. When you open your wallet, you’ll have your driving licence, your paper counterpart, your FMT, your MOD90, your EHIC, your forces discount card, your Army Sports Lottery card, your ration card, and even your “Every Man a Recruiter” collection of regimental business cards. You won’t ever be at a loss for what to store in all those compartments again. Not everyone can boast that their personal admin is as squared away as yours. You’re in the British Army. You’re the best!

Your 10% will always be Exactly What the Doctor Ordered.
The next time that you go hill walking, you’ll be the hero of the moment when somebody gets a blister, gets tired from walking at an angle, and needs to sit down for a rest. Not many people will carry zinc oxide tape, 3 litres of spare water, high energy Haribo snacks, spare socks, waterproofs, extra warm kit, a compass, cyalumes, a multitool, a torch, spare batteries, arc markers, spare mags, a foam seat, and a bandolier of 200 rounds. Mortals will marvel as you switch from a fleece to a waterproof jacket when it rains suddenly, and they’ll be knocked down with a feather when you tell them that you’re taking all your warm kit off before you start walking!

Your Communication Skills will Flourish.
Remember when you left school and you couldn’t look a person in the eye? Well, after joining the British Army, you’ll be able to stand up tall and take a graphically violent verbal rebuke like a man. You won’t flinch as you are bombarded with coffee breath and fragments of a full English breakfast. No matter what is said about your wife, girlfriend, sister, or mother, you’ll keep facing your aggressor and you’ll stay cool, calm, and collected. Later in your career, you’ll be able to polish all of the personal insults that you have ever received and shape them into handy torrents of abuse that can be poured over unsuspecting junior members of your craft. If you have an inferiority complex, you’ll always have a captive audience to take it out on.

You’ll have Skills for Life.
How many times have you heard your bank manager ask for a fully trained mortar man to flatten the council estate down the road? Well, once you’ve qualified, you’ll be trained on the most deadly weapons systems on the planet. Who wouldn’t want skills like these in Civvy Street? The next time that the local butcher wants pheasant, killed by automatic weapons fire and grenades, you’ll be the guy he employs. Remember to tell any future employer that you have skills in shouting, need NAAFI breaks every morning at 1000 hrs, cannot work for women, and that your drink problem could well lead you to come to work drunk on a regular basis.

If you have any questions about a career in the Armed Forces, don't hesitate to ask.

Contact. Wait out. #37. Menagerie.

Contact. Wait out. #37. Menagerie.

There's something about military establishments and pets. I can't count the number of times that I've gone into somebody's office only to be met by their dog. On one occasion, while visiting the Army Air Corps, I entered an office and found that there were several big dogs in there. It had a bit of a whiff, and I had to wade through the things, but I didn't really mind. Having a dog around is sometimes a nice distraction.

On occasion, they can be a pain in the backside. There was a Red Setter visiting with an officer one day, and the thing pissed that often that as soon as you entered the corridor, you were overwhelmed with the smell. The owner didn't seem to notice and thought his dog was lovely. I don't remember the dog's name, it was something like Buster or Barney, I just remember the stink.

Thankfully, the regular additions to the local workforce where I am are well behaved and friendly. They don't stink, or piss all over the place, they just mind their own business and destroy the odd chewy toy. To that end, this strip is dedicated to Polo, Lilly, and Molly. That's right three in my building alone. That doesn't include the odd occasions when Molly's best mate is there or when we get visits from other animals. I've even had a barn owl in the office shitting all over the floor. A barn owl!

Contact. Wait out. #36. Suggestions.

Contact. Wait out. #36. Suggestions.

The archaic rank system in the army is required in times of war because of the need for orders to be followed without thought. The belief is that if you wait to digest, or even question an order, people will die. There just isn't enough time to waste when the rounds are falling at your feet. I'm sure that there's some truth in this. You can't have your subordinates asking why all the time when in a combat situation.

Unfortunately, this system doesn't work in day to day life. The main reason is that soldiers have changed. Better educated men and women are coming through the system and they need to know the reason for things. Asking why has become a common thing in the army and the seniors are pulling their hair out over it. If you're issued a pair of silver shadows, but you have a gleaming pair Nike or Reebok running shoes, why the hell would you not be allowed to wear them for PT? Surely, your feet will be better taken care of by the high end trainer. When a senior tells a private that he has to wear the Hi-Tek, but he knows that his own trainers are superior, he's going to ask why. If the senior doesn't have the answer, then the private is going to get beasted.

I don't know the answer to this new problem. I really doubt that the "men will die" excuse is going to cut it forever. Perhaps as the younger guys go through the ranks, they'll understand what they were like as juniors, and they'll be more understanding when they get asked bone questions. Maybe, who knows?

7 Lesser Known War Movies You Should See

7 Lesser Known War Movies You Should See

The amount of war films that come out, year after year, is immense. All you need to do it look in the bargain bucket at your local pound shop and you can pick up box sets of gutsy war films and action flicks. The trouble is that most of them suck. Wrestlers are making special forces movies, copyright is running out on shocking B movies, and Ben Affleck is still alive. All this combines to give us plenty of quantity but with virtually no quality.

It is tough to filter through the turds in order to find a nicely polished one. It is even harder to stumble upon a really good war film that we haven't see before. Well, thankfully, I've put together this list of films that deserve a chance. You may have seen some of them before, but if you haven't, I hope that you enjoy them.

Feel free to add to the list by using the comments section or suggesting something on Facebook, and remember, you can find these titles on Amazon. Just click on the links in the article.

#CWO


Image: en.wikipedia.org

Contact. Wait out. #35. Disambiguation.

Contact. Wait out. #35. Disambiguation.

The army is full of lovely little phrases like this. I'd always known that an egg roll was called an egg banjo but I didn't know why until it was explained to me. Basically, if the egg splits while you're eating it, and the yolk goes down your shirt, you'll hold the roll up with one hand while wiping the yolk away with the other. The action makes it look like you're playing a banjo.

I don't know where the phrase comes from. Some people believe that it comes from Northern Ireland in the 70s, other believe that it was around in Aden in the 60's, and still more believe that it originates from India in the early post-war years. We all have a habit of thinking that the great slang we're using is brand new, so it wouldn't surprise me to learn that egg banjos were around at Agincourt.

Whatever the derivation, there's not much better than smelling somebody frying eggs and bacon while you're on some freezing cold and wet exercise. If you're in a regiment that dictates that you eat ration packs on hard routine for most of the time, an egg banjo can be the greatest morale boost in the world. Fire up the Jet Boil, get your eggs on the go, and get strumming for the egg banjo.

Contact. Wait out. #34. Never Trust a Skinny Chef.

Contact. Wait out. #34. Never Trust a Skinny Chef.

Let's get one thing clear from the start. I know that not all RLC chefs at fat arses. I know many of them are normal blokes and normal girls. That doesn't make for good humour though. Stereotypes are fun and that's why I'm happy to rip on the RLC in general.

These fat lads are drawing weapons from the armoury and the poor armourer has to deal with their REMF comments, and no doubt, he'll have to sweep away the biscuit crumbs and pick up the coke cans after they've left. You can almost guarantee that a chef would choose an ACMT over a PFA any day of the week. You have to wonder whether their stores are larger than average due to their having to store all the max size uniforms. Jabba jabba jabba jabba.

Got some return fire? Bring it on.

Loot Winner!

So, last month we announced the winner of the Jack Wolfskin competition. This was a highly sought after Gucci jacket, and part of the terms and conditions was for the winner to provide a picture of themselves in kit, and for them to provide a picture of themselves with the loot once they'd received it. The name was picked at random by our hi-tek name selector and Lee Pollit from Bournemouth was the lucky winner.

In keeping with the "Contact. Wait out." ethos of being 100% gen, and ruthless with the banter, here are the pictures of Mr. Pollit. If you know him, feel free to show your glee at his being a spawny bastard.

Here's Lee wearing his prize in Devon just recently.

Here's Lee in his prime. We're loving the UN dinner plate on his swede. Thanks for participating Lee.

Contact. Wait out. #33. Liberties.

Contact. Wait out. #33. Liberties.

You know, soldiers have a special way of speaking to each other. To an outsider, the level of bad language and ruthless abuse could be considered a bit over the top. You certainly wouldn't get away with it in an everyday office environment. Equality and diversity and human resources departments would have a cow and start sacking people on the spot.

There's no way an outsider could get away with talking to a squaddie the way that squaddies talk to one another. You see, the banter is horrific for a reason. It might not be immediately obvious, but when a soldier verbally destroys another soldier, he's actually figuring out what kind of character he has. If the guy can take the banter, and give some back, then you know he's alright. If he shows weakness, and snaps, then you know he's not so cool. Of course, there are times when the banter gets too much and people break but that's all part of the game. You got to have thick skin in this job.

Contact. Wait out. #32. Crows.

Contact. Wait out. #32. Crows.

If you get called a crow, in the British army, you're getting insulted. It's like being called a Boot in the US Marine Corps. Crow actually stands for something. It means Combat Recruit of War. You know, that super keen recruit that lives and breathes the army spirit and ethos and has yet to realise that he's soon going to be dry bummed on a regular basis.

Your crowbag still thinks that wearing Silver Shadows over Nike or Reebok is cool. He still would rather have an issue daysack over a Blackhawk, Karrimor, Viper, or Motherlode. His enthusiasm sucks at your very life force because you remembered that, in the very distant past, you were filled with enthusiasm too. The Crow just annoys you.

The thing is, it isn't his fault at all. He's just living his life and getting on with it the only way he knows how. You're the one with the problem. All that bitterness that the army has humped into you has turned you against the innocent new guy. Damn crow, what a wanker. How dare he make you contemplate your own psyche. Best you go and fuck with him a bit punish him for it.

Contact. Wait out. #31. Subtle Differences.

Contact. Wait out. #31. Subtle Differences.

The old timers will always tell you that they had it harder than you did. Their kit was inferior, the training was tougher, welfare was non-existant, and they got filled in all the time. It seems as though the army in ye olde times was just a place where blokes with inferiority complexes went to punch other blokes with inferiority complexes. Still, it made for proper soldiers with a tough streak.

Nowadays, everyone is talking about their feelings and the new vogue for development is to be inclusive and to find ways to build people in a pink and fluffy way. I never saw the card system in use but I heard about it. It is something that the old timers will bring up when you talk with them about training and you can't help but feel slightly ashamed that it got to that point. Something has to be said for a bit of tough love. Although it is now supposed to be a thing of the past, I can't help but think that some squaddies could do with a touch of more robust development.