Welcome to the official page of the "Contact. Wait out." sketch series. Zeitgeist of the British Army.

Tuesday, 29 August 2017

How to melt a barrel.


When the CoC tell you to fire off all the ammuniton so you make unlimited belts and melt the barrels.

#Carbon

Friday, 26 May 2017

25 Signs You Might Be A Veteran


A veteran is classified as any person that has served for any amount of time in any uniformed service. There's more to it than that though. There is a type of person that comes out of a service once they've finished their time. The military moulds you. It makes you a thinker, a doer, a decisive individual who knows how to iron a shirt and how to polish a pair of shoes. Even those veterans that fall on hard times have it in them to step up when the need arises. Maybe you're a veteran. Maybe. Here's 25 signs that might help you figure out if you really are.

1. If you look at service personnel today, and laugh at them thinking that they're being original, you might be a veteran.

2. If you turn up everywhere early, and classify those who turn up on time as being late, you might be a veteran.

3. If you look at catalogues of military kit, and consider buying stuff only to realise you have no reason to use it, you might be a veteran.

4. If you buy kit out of military catalogues anyway, you might be a veteran.

5. If you look at hippies, emos, goths, skater boys, druggies, bums, and in fact anybody who isn't in some kind of service, and wish somebody would whip them into shape and cut their hair, you might be a veteran.

6. If you defend the armed forces at every opportunity, you might be a veteran.

7. If you have a strange fixation with firearms, you might be a veteran.

8. If you wow your friends and colleagues with suspiciously accurate knowledge of military kit and equipment, you might be a veteran.

9. If you have an opinion on military foreign policy, and tell anyone who'll listen, you might be a veteran.

10. If you can strike up a conversation with anybody you feel like, you might be a veteran.

11. If you fear no man, woman, nor beast, you might be a veteran.

12. If you can look another person right in the eye when you talk to them, you might be a veteran.

13. If you are proud of your flag and your people, no matter their race, colour, or creed, you might be a veteran.

14. If you secretly miss the toil and hardship of serving, you might be a veteran.

15. If you openly believe that you had it harder then the young military personnel of today, you might be a veteran.

16. If you secretly believe that you had it easier than the military personnel that came before you, you might be a veteran.

17. If you have outright respect for those that choose to put on a uniform and defend their country, you might be a veteran.

18. If you understand that all of the uniformed services share a common purpose and share a mutual understanding of duty, you might be a veteran.

19. If you rip the other services apart for being fat, lazy, homosexual, stupid, bone headed, privileged, overpaid, etc, but would be honoured to fight side by side with them again, you might be a veteran.

20. If you gave a period of your life to something bigger than the sum of its parts, you might be a veteran.

21. If you ever referred to yourself by your last name, or simply a number, you might be a veteran.

22. If you have many friends from the far reaches of the country, you might be a veteran.

23. If you ever stood on a gate, in the rain, and questioned your life choices, you might be a veteran.

24. If you live your life by a moral code, that few civilians understand, you might be a veteran.

25. If you have a strange relationship with alcohol, that few civilians understand, you might be a veteran.

So, there are 25 reason. Feel free to add your own. What do you think makes a veteran?

Sunday, 16 April 2017

Contact. Wait out. #71. Spiked.


Contact. Wait out. #71. Spiked.

There's no story for this one. Just a friendly reminder. Keep your eyes open when you're out on the town. Don't leave your drink unattended, and remember, the CDT team always drop in unannounced.


Saturday, 11 March 2017

Contact. Wait Out. # 70. Feedback.

Contact. Wait Out. # 70. Feedback.

This actually happened to me the other day. I was working and two officers came up, in civilian clothes, and started chatting away to me. At first, I wasn't sure who they were exactly. It didn't take them long to tell me though. They got their bit out of the way and then asked me how I thought things were going and how I would change my particular aspect of the job.

As I was talking, I could see the Colonel's attention drifting off. He even folded his arms. I figured I was getting nowhere, so I stopped. That's when he hit me with it. He chinned me right off there and then. He told me I was moaning and that I wouldn't get anywhere. Cheers.

Hey, maybe I was moaning a little bit but a wise man once told me that a moan only becomes a moan when you've raised a valid point several times and nobody has listened.

Gold isn't it. You can have that one.

Sunday, 26 February 2017

Contact. Wait out. #69. That One Guy

Contact. Wait out. #69. That One Guy

If you were ever dumb enough to lose your beret before forming up, you'll know all about this. You'd be that one guy. If you haven't you'll have more than likely seen it at some point.

You simply can't go on parade without your beret on. Those that have lost it, and have their helmet nearby, would have to put their helmet on. It makes sense. However, if you were that unlucky fellow wearing your helmet, while everyone else was wearing the correct head dress, you'd stick out like a sore thumb. Everyone else would know that you'd messed up and so would the senior NCOs and Officers.

Thankfully, I never have. It still makes me giggle when I pass a formed up group of soldiers and see it.

Thursday, 22 December 2016

Contact. Wait out. #68. Resettlement.


Contact. Wait out. #68. Resettlement.

It has been a while since I've posted a strip. I've changed jobs and there isn't much time. No excuses though. I know the old adage. Don't give me problems, give me solutions.

Anyway, I wanted to do a little themed strip about what would happen if our favourite platoon sergeant went into civvy street and how he'd manage. Obviously, we can't speak to civilians the way we speak to each other. I often think of some of the choppers that I've had to work with in the past and imagine them struggling to adjust. I just hope that I'll be fine when I inevitably end up working with real people.

I've always said that I don't ever want a real job.

Wednesday, 3 August 2016

Contact. Wait out. #67. Nav Ex.

Contact. Wait out. #67. Nav Ex.

If you haven't seen soldiers, in and around camp, playing Pokémon Go, you're not looking hard enough. I was recently walking along the coast and nearly everybody that I saw was playing the game. This ranged from kids all the way up to fully grown adults. People everywhere are playing it and the military is no exception.

While I was on camp, smashing a pretty laborious but essential course, there were soldiers walking around with their heads in their phones. You might think that this raised issues from the chain of command but it didn't. At one point in particular, I saw two officers, a captain and a Major, walking along looking for Pokémon. I thought to myself, "These are the leaders of men and they're playing Pokémon!"

If I'm being totally honest, I'd be playing it too but I'm too scared of losing my life to it. If you're playing it, crack on. I hope you get all the most BA monsters.

Monday, 1 August 2016

Contact. Wait Out. #66. Fly on the Wall.


Contact. Wait Out. #66. Fly on the Wall.

So, if you're out at a fayre this summer, or you happen upon some outreach event run by an army outreach team, you could get the chance to play with the Occulus Rift. I haven't had a go on one yet but I am reliably informed that they are good fun. You get to see some pretty cool stuff, as you would with most Rift videos, but I doubt you'd get a real picture of army life. Still, as a recruiting tool, it is a pretty good idea.

I hope to get my hands on one soon. If you've already had a go, let us know what you think.

Saturday, 2 July 2016

Contact. Wait out. #65. Moustache.


Contact. Wait out. #65. Moustache.

Yup, that's me. I can grow a bit of a tash and a goatee but nothing on the side. Whenever I'm on leave, I leave my facial hair to grow wild and after a few days I shave it off through sheer embarrassment. I can remember growing up and wishing that I could grow a meaty tash but I'm kind of glad now. Shaving is a pain in the arse.

I really feel for those guys that have to shave twice a day. I've seen these hairy blokes getting beasted in the afternoon for not shaving when I was there in the morning when they did it.

Anyway, if you're like me, and you're thinking of sporting something for Movember, get cracking. It is never too early.

Wednesday, 22 June 2016

Contact. Wait out. #64. Brexit Voter Apathy.



Contact. Wait out. #64. Brexit Voter Apathy.

The day is finally upon us. Voters will determine whether we stay in the EU or leave it. I have to say that I'm glad. There has been a lot of media attention and it has left a lot of us annoyed. Those in the stay camp are really vocal about it and those in the leave camp are just as loud. Somewhere in the middle are the folk that either don't know or don't care.

There is so much noise that it is almost impossible to stay on the fence, or worse still, not vote at all. Don't let anyone know that though. Either side will beat you over the head with their opinion until you walk away or throat punch them to oblivion.

I'm not saying where I'm putting an X or even if I will. We'll just have to see how the day ends.